Paper Wings

It shouldn't be this easy for me to forget about him, but as I stand alone in the middle of the dance floor it's like there's nothing but me and the music running through my vains. Well, the music and the drugs. Lets not forget about the drugs. The Molly I popped before the party has transported me to another world. I can feel the lights, the blood rushing away from my heart and instead flowing into my hands, my feet, my brain. My pulse is speeding faster than a bullet. The beat vibrates through my body causing me to undergo involuntary spasms. I can't stop moving. I can't stop feeling.

I'm so lost in my high that I don't realize I'm crying. I'm crying hard, overcome with sudden sadness. It's a sadness I thought I could escape. But suddenly it's as though another round of excess dopamine has been released into my system.

"Wait...what am I sad about?" I ask aloud to no one in particular. But I can't remember. I can't answer my question. "Why am I crying?" I ask again, but I can't remember that either.

"Why am I here?" I ask the girl dancing next to me. She doesn't stop flailing her arms around, and she barks in response. It's clear to me that she's tripping on something.

"Dance." She purrs in my ear and takes my hand in hers. We begin to spin in a circle, hand in hand, spinning faster and faster until all of the colors around me blend into one solid yellow blur. The yellow turns into green. The green turns into blue. The blue turns into black.

I don't notice when the world stops spinning around me. I can only feel myself falling, falling, falling, and finally crashing onto the dance floor with a deafening thump. My world stays black and the music begins to slowly fade away behind an ever increasing buzzing sound.

That's when I feel it. His touch. I know it's his. His fingers are brushing against my cheek and the hot air of his breath envelopes me in a blanket of sweet spearmint.

"I love you." Is whispered in my ear. It's his voice, I know it's his. It's faint and distant, but i know it's his. "I love you." There it is again. The impossible. " I love you." A third time.

"Stop!" I scream and begin to roll around on the floor, my world still hauntingly black.

"I love you." A fourth time. I'm pulling at my hair now.

"No no no no!" I continue to scream and cry. Now I remember why I am here, why am crying.

"I love you." A fifth time. His voice resonates in my head, this time louder than the previous.

"If you loved me then why did you kill yourself!" I wail before hastily covering my mouth with my hands. I let it escape, the one thing that has been killing me. The burden that has been slowly eating away at my soul from the inside and out. I want to take it back...everything. I want him back. I want to live again, but i know i never will again, not without the other half of my heart. Too bad it's lost forever.

I wait to hear his voice again, but just as suddenly as they began, the I love yous subsided, and I was alone again in my endorphin infused nightmare. I try to open my eyes, but I'm afraid of what I might see. Instead I continue to lie, sprawled on the dancefloor with my eyes pressed shut. I appear silent and go unnoticed over the thunderous bass of the music, except by the occasional pairs of feet that jab into my stationary body, after which I receive a series of half minded "sorry bro's."

It is quite disheartening to me that I could be on the floor dying right now and no one would notice. In fact to be honest, I am pretty sure that no one would even care. Another dead faggot, I bet everyone would just love that.

The song changes. How long have I been in here? How long have I been on the floor? I have no clue. The beat picks up and sounds like what I imagine to be the heartbeat of a man running for his life. The thump of the bass regenerates my body instantly as if it were a defibrillator and suddenly I'm off of the floor and dancing again. Uncontrollably, my arms and legs move in jolting waves of energy.

The colors of the dance floor shift and change like Tetris pieces underneath my feet. Without thinking I grab the girl closest to me and envelope her in a sloppy kiss which she receives willingly. Lips so soft, they're foreign to me. I don't like it, but I keep going. Our tongues squirm around in each other's mouths until she suddenly breaks away.

"I'm Alice." The girl smiles. Her pupils are so large that only mere outlines of blue can be seen around them.

"I...I..my name is...I am..." I take a deep breath, quickly clearing the haze in my mind, "I'm Ezra."

"Alice and Ezra. Sounds magical together doesn't it....magical." She bites her lip, taking hold of my hand. "Take me home Ezra." It's a command not a question.

"To...to...my house?" A new song begins and we both begin to dance hand in hand.

"Yeah silly!" She giggles then hiccups. We continue to dance as we slowly make our way to the front doors of the club, struggling to squeeze our bodies between the tight mass of sweaty bodies. Our hands are interlocked as if they're part of an unbreakable chain and we are left with only our free hands to use as weapons to break apart the crowd. I feel as though we are attempting to navigate through an endless jungle of tall trees.

Suddenly we're in a cab that I don't remember calling. Alice's head is resting on my shoulders and my arm rests wrapped tightly around her. She walks her fingers down to my crotch, where she lets her hand finally come to a stop.

"How old are you?" I ask as Alice slowly undoes my zipper.

"Seventeen. You?"

"Nineteen."

"Cool."

"Yea. Cool."

I don't even bother asking how she got into the club. It doesn't matter. This whole night has just been so unnatural and unnerving for me, I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.

Alice plays with the hem of my boxers and her fingers threaten to make their way into them, but I swiftly brush her hands away.

"Hmm..." Alice squints in the darkness, however the confusion in her voice and face are clear as day.

"I can't..."

"Oh, okay."

"It's not you..."

"Of course it's not." Alice lets go of my hand and scoots a little away from me.

"I'm...I'm in love with someone." I sigh.

"Then why are you here with me right now?" Alice grumbles.

"I'm lonely." I'm holding back tears but I can feel them building up inside of me. Soon I know I won't be able to stop them

"You're in love and you're lonely...?" Alice turns back toward me. I can hear the confusion in her voice.

"It's complicated..."

"So I'm here, " Alice started, "because you want to...talk?"

"I guess so." I sigh.

"Then why the fuck did you kiss me?"

"I don't know." My head spins and I can feel myself coming back to Earth, but I don't want this trip to end. I don't want depression to creep back into my system, I just want this happy high to stay but I can feel it slowly slipping away.

"Well, I'm not mad at you...I'm sorry for you."

I'm not sure how to answer that. "Does that mean you'll talk to me?"

"Yeah." Alice takes hold of my hand again and we sit together in silence until the cab comes to a stop in front of my building, The Dorchester.
**
Alice becomes increasingly excited once we exit the cab.

"So what's her name?" Alice smiles as we make our way into the building.

"HIS name." I correct her a bit too sharply.

"Oh...I'm sorry. I didn't realize..."

"How could you have? I mean I kissed you..." I smile at Henry the Doorman who tips his hat at Alice and me as he lets us into the building.

"Yeah." She nods her head, "Anyway what's his name!" We enter one of the waiting elevators.

"His name was Logan." I smile. The doors close and I click on the twenty third floor, the penthouse.

"Was?" She repeats looking up at me.

"He died two months ago." I take a deep breath.

"Oh my God. I'm so, so sorry!" Alice covers her mouth with her hands.

"It's okay." I sigh. The elevator doors open and we make our way down the hall to my front door. I'm not sure how willing I am to talk anymore. The second I open the door Alice's jaw drops in awe.

"Woah! This is your place?" She gasps.

"Yup." I say as I make my way into the kitchen.

"It's amazing!"

"Thanks." I start, " Together we made an honest living."

"But you're only nineteen."

"I'm an actor. So was Logan."

Alice chokes on air. "Wait when you say Logan do you mean Logan Wade Lerman as in the Wallflower? As in Percy Jackson?"

"Yeah." I'm becoming more and more hesitant.

"Wait the fuck up!" Alice laughs " You're Ezra Miller."

"Guilty." I smirk, raising my hand.

"Ha!" She laughs, "I had a feeling. It's chill though."

"Is it?" I raise my eyebrows and sarcastically let out a huff of air. "Feel free to take a seat." I say and point to one of the swivel chairs around the kitchen island.

"Thanks." Alice says. She quickly takes a seat and continues to look around.

I still live in the condominium. Logan's favorite blue sweater is still hanging from the bed mantle, ironed and untouched. All of his favorite records are organized in a big blue box, hidden behind a curtain of dress shirts in our endless closet. My side of the closet is completely in shambles: shoes mismatched, briefs where my scarves should be, and a countless array of fedoras spread along one of my dresser tables. Logan's side of the closet is as clean as he left it: pants and shirts delicately folded in rows, ties and sunglasses placed in their specified drawers.

In our bathroom his toothbrush rests in the holder next to mine and his towel is neatly hung, displaying the calligraphic letters L.L across its bottom. Next to his sink is a small silver box Logan's sister bought him for his seventh birthday. It was once filled with gold Sacagawea coins, but now it's filled with Logan's razors, razors I wish he used for the sole purpose of shaving.

"Tell me the story!" Alice begs, taking me out of my daze, "I want to know the entire story. Every last detail."

"I don't know..." I grumble, scratching the back of my head. The Molly is slowly wearing off and I'm searching my cabinet for the strongest liquor I can find. I'm going to need it.

"Tell me about the love of your life." She smiles and pushes me slightly, "tell me about Logan.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Vodka and orange juice!"

"Hmm you really are seventeen." I laugh and crack open a new bottle of Grey Goose. I'm careful as I begin to pour the vodka into a tall glass. I don't know if Alice is actually willing to get drunk with me, so I stop pouring after there's a little more than a shot in her glass. Better safe than sorry.

"Ehhemm, that's it?" Alice scrunches her nose, clearly unsatisfied.

"Alright alright!" I laugh and pour her about three more shots. "Enough for now?" I ask while opening the bottle of Simply Orange.

Alice takes the glass and holds it up to the light. "Looks about right." She smiles. With a quick swig, she knocks back the entire contents of the glass and sets it on the counter with a thud.

"We'll fuck me." I stare at her, bewildered with the open bottle of Simply Orange in my hand.

"Shmanks!" Alice slides the glass towards me.

"Ummm, sherrrwelcome?" I reply with a smile. I nearly miss catching the glass, it threatens to slip right off of the counter, but at the last second I grab it. "Yuuss, and he comes in on the clutch!" I whisper to myself like I'm a sports announcer. I proceed to make fake cheering noises, "yeeah Ezra yeeah!" I whisper-scream as I pour myself four shots worth of my Russian medicine, my truth serum. It's just enough for the world to get fuzzy, but not enough for me to start seeing stars.

"Lets get to business mister!"

"Whaa?" I scratch my head.

"Logan! Tell me about Logan! Tell me how you met...wait no obviously you met on set that's a dumb question..."

"No." I correct her. "We'd known each other since high school." I close my eyes, take a deep breath and prepare to tell my story.