Disaster's Aid

I try to scream.

Again and again.

I try to call for help.

I try to turn and crawl away.

And I don't understand what is weighing me down.

I start to recite Iyatal Kursi, a protective verse from the Quran.

"Allah — there is no God but He, the Living, the Self-Subsisting and All-Sustaining.
Slumber seizes Him not, nor sleep.
To Him belongs whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth.
Who is he that will intercede with Him except by His permission?
He knows what is before them and what is behind them;
and they encompass nothing of His knowledge except what He pleases.
His knowledge extends over the heavens and the earth; and the care of them burdens Him not;
and He is the High, the Great. (Al Quran 2:256) "

The pressure lifts.

I open my eyes to darkness. The moonlight hits the dark floors and the glare hits my eyes. My burning eyes, my burning heart, my burning past. I remember now, the day before. Had I been so stupid to let one moment come between me and my new life. Did I forget to pray before I slept? Was that the pressure I felt?

Sleep paralysis.

When jinns sit on top of a person while they sleep so they cannot move. Their favourite thing to do.

Again it happened to me. Always when I forget to pray before I sleep. It used to happen so often I would run to Mama every night and tell her I couldn't sleep. Mama always made me space to rest beside her and would do iyatal kursi on me and hold her arms around me.

But it hasn't happened since that day I faced Mo and Shahid.

And now I don't have Mama to run to.

I glance around the room to see that Tariq is no longer beside me, perhaps no longer here.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

An alarm. The shrill makes my heart leap around and rattle my ribs. I hold tight around the leather.

Someone rushes down the stairs towards me. They move past me to the kitchen. To the beeping noise.

I hear the familiar click of the microwave. Just the microwave.

I stare at the figure to see Tariq picking up a cup. He turns the light on and sits down to drink.

"Bismillah hirrahmaniraheem." He breathes.

I watch him, slow and steady. The bags under his eyes highlighted from the yellowish light from the chandelier. He catches my eye and smiles. The light of his shining out over the slight tiredness.

"Sleeping beauty, are you finally awake?" I can't help but grin at him. I straighten my back and stretch.

I walk and rest beside him. He finishes off his warm milk.

"You know, you're really cute when you sleep." He says.

Tariq takes my hand and kisses it. I giggle. The heaviness fading and a light calm filling me, charging the worn out parts of my heart.

"Did you even sleep Tariq?" I say glancing at his eyes.

"I tried, but I could not. Not while you were having anxiety. Are you feeling better?" He says and slides his thumb under my eyes.

"Oh, thank you. I do feel better, but you should sleep." I pull his arm and he rises with me.

I place the cup in the sink and he waits by the stairs. I turn off the kitchen light and we stride upstairs holding hands.

"Sara, I have to tell you something." Tariq switches the light to my room on.

"Hmm?" We both sit down on the bed.

"You know that day you were at my house, when Ammy took you to that islamic circle at Aunty Sadia's? It's about afterwards, you know, when we all met to have lunch." Tariq glances up from his knees to me.

"Yeah." I feel a breath caught in my heart.

The day I hid in the bathroom to talk to Arfsy.

"I came upstairs and I heard you speaking with your friend. I was worried because you sounded scared, so I stayed in my room long enough to ask if you were okay. But I heard you talking about these boys Mo and Shahid."

"Are- are you angry I didn't tell you?"

Tariq runs a hand through his hair.

"I know you've changed Sara. I'm glad you stayed for me and didn't run to the embassy," He gives a small grin. "But I wish there wasn't anyone else. But I have to be realistic, the world's not perfect. And I can't judge you Sara, only Allah can judge us. I left that day to decide what to do. When I came back I knew that I still wanted to marry you."

Tariq takes a deep breath and puts a hand on my cheek.

"And from how much you cried before you slept yesterday, I know you don't want to be the same anymore." I hold his hand to my face. Just as he did last night as I tried to cry my sins away.

"I'm so sorry Tariq, if I could change how I am I would do it right now. I wish I can be different."

"We can't change who we were we can only build who we will be. I don't know much about your past Sara, but we both can change for the better. And I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you." Tariq glances at me and nudges my shoulder to his. "But if I see that Mo again.."

I nudge his shoulder back and we laugh. I lean my head on his arm and take a deep calming breath.

He's not mad at me. I smile.

"Sara there's still half an hour left before fajr, you should do Isha and then we can pray together. Go do wudu."

"Half an hour!" I rush to the bathroom and wash my hands, mouth, nose, face, arms and feet three times each and wipe my wet hands over my hair once.

I come outside and Tariq grins at me.

"Hurry, Sara, hurry!" Tariq claps his hands.

We both laugh and I pray. And then we pray together.

And the lightness of our relationship further heals my heart and makes me happy. Makes me glad. Gives me peace.