Disaster's Aid

I finally started work for a marketing company as a receptionist. The pay is supportive enough that I don't have to use my savings and it has given me something to do. Although Tariq doesn't know yet, but how can anyone know what I'm doing when my family is so far away?

Tariq has a client in Pakistan that wants to buy a large shipment of styles of the mattresses and dresser drawers he sells because they have built a new hotel on a low set of mountains. Mountains, they are pegged into the earth to keep it from shaking. It is even mentioned in the Quran:

"Have We not made the earth as a bed, and the mountains as pegs?"[Noble Quran 78:6-7]

"And He has set firm mountains in the earth so that it would not shake with you." [Noble Quran 16:15]

Allah has set the mountains. He alone is the Knowledgeable and Able. Without Allah we cannot understand anything.

And 1400 years ago this was written in the Quran and right now, in this moment, this unstable time, it feels like it was written for me.

And Alhamdullilah I understand. I understand that my Tariq, strong and sturdy flew across the globe and now my world is unsteady. Shaken.

The first week I learned fifteen new dessert recipes. The second week I had to exercise off the ten pounds I put on with Arfsy. The third week I interviewed for a job and got it. And now I'm here at Mist Marketing and I'm in charge of doing all administrative tasks and meeting schedules. This makes me look extremely busy.

But my mind is spinning. It's not that Tariq and my parents don't call me twice a day, but that I'm not too bothered to be alone. Not really.

I'm making friends. There are two professionals from the law department that have made it their duty to see to it that I'm comfortable and happy. Both of them are extremely charming, especially Stephan, he's always cracking jokes and throwing a wink my way. Like we have a personal joke. Like Yousef won't understand unless we break our code of silence. Then there's Jess, she's actually my supervisor, but she's my age and we have a lot in common. So we always end up chatting while we tap and click into the computers.

So Jess, Stephan and I have lunch together in the cafeteria and we usually split a packet of mini muffins because they come in packs of three. Yousef has to meet clients for lunch so he insists on a morning coffee break with as many of us that can come. Particularly Jess. A few times I've dropped Jess home after work because she shares her car with her sister and doesn't get it all the time. Those have been great times for us to just talk. Mostly she tells me about Yousef, and how she hopes he asks her out soon because she's been dropping hints and they've been flirting. And sometimes she hints at Stephan and I. But I let her know that isn't possible.

That he isn't the one for me.

Although I haven't told her about Tariq, I haven't told anyone. Remembering him constantly just makes me feel unsteady, brittle and sad. I don't want them to know why I'm frowning sometimes. I don't want their looks of pity to be stronger. I just want to keep my mind busy.

An empty mind is a devil's workshop.

I've been talking to Arfsy, she's been reassuring. Even gave me the idea to get a job to keep myself busy while he's gone. So because her uncle's the hiring manager at Mist Marketing I got mentioned just in time for the new opening and that's how one short interview got me busy.

What's kind of fun though is that in the two weeks we've already had two birthdays, and so two cakes. Yesterday's was Jess's and today Yousef got her a cake so we can surprise her.

Currently, Yousef, Stephan and I are huddled around the red velvet cake with white chocolate swirls to arrange the candles in the dark room. The small glow lights up the light wood and the twelve grey swivel chairs.

Yousef places Jess's purse on the table beside the cake. His way of luring her to the meeting room. He left her phone and I messaged her to get herself over.

Someone knocks.

Jess enters. She switches on the light and turns.

"Surprise!" We cheer.

Jess's sour face brightens and she covers her mouth.

"You guys!" We start to laugh and I keep clapping until she moves over to blow the candles.

"Smile Jelly bear." Yousef says snapping a picture with his S6.

She grins with her eyes sparkling up. Then she takes some icing and swipes it across his nose sweeping a kiss on his cheek. Yousef grins and Jess flips her hair nervously.

"Wanna get dinner tonight Jess? I'll treat you for your birthday." Yousef says glancing at her shoulder instead of her face.

"Sure that sounds amazing." Jess giggles.

I guess that's one way to find love.

A slow unsure way to find love. Their parents aren't there to ensure their kids get the best. Although both Jess and Yousef are kind, are they really going to stay together? Or will they meet and disperse like different streams of rivers. Ununited. Unplanned. Sporadic.

Stephan throws a wink at me and he glances back at the two. I smile. Although Yousef, he's Muslim, I don't believe I can tell him anything to his face about being less flirty and touchy. I was like that a few short months ago. I don't have influence on him either. And perhaps something I say will push him further away from imaan, from his belief. And I don't want to risk that.

I cut the cake and as we eat I watch the two. Holding each others hands. Feeding each other cake. Not knowing that this way of love isn't truly real. It isn't right.

They leave together to hand out cake to Jess's friends in the office.

Stephen glances at me and smiles.

"Hey Sara, I'll treat you to dinner tonight too. Should we head out to Boston Pizza? I know they have some halal options."

Halal options. He wants me to go out with him for halal food. The most haram thing to do would be to go with him.

Why do these people meet like this? It never leads to anything good. Couples that live together for years unmarried. Long dark meetings and distant understandings of what it means to be in love. How can you truly love another person when you aren't sure if you can be together. You aren't sure if you can touch them, unsure if you can hug them, terrified of God because you know that it isn't right to meet them. Not alone. Not like this.

And don't they know that cohabiting couples have the highest levels of violence? My sociology of family course opened my eyes to why Islam has people married before they live together. So that they are safe. A safeguard to allow the two people all the protection of being understood by the other's family and to be completely bound to each other with a tight bond. No half bonds. No confusion. These two become each others completely. No buying and selling the spouses with abusive dowries. They aren't stuck, they know why they are together. Their marriage. They agree to live like this. Anything otherwise is just a way to live unsure, to not know. To feel attached but not truly be each

No heartfelt 'I do'.

I do want to be with you completely. You are my wife. Not a girlfriend. That shallow word that I can use to label any girl I see for a few days. You are a wife. A title of honour that you deserve because you and I agreed to be together. To live together and care for each other. You are mine. Totally and completely. And I am yours entirely and surely. Religiously. Legally. Heartily. We are for each other.

We are a covering for each other.

No one can be unsure of this. No one can come in between us without us knowing surely that we already belong to someone else. That we have someone else. Someone we chose. We freely chose each other. We are bonded tightly.

And then there is the matter of religion. If I truly believe in One God and you are not sure why you go to church. And I truly believe in Heaven and Hell. How can I even consider you, when I know you and I might not meet in Heaven? It is heartbreaking to even consider. Not unless you accept Allah is one and that the message brought in the Quran by Prophet Muhammad may peace be upon him is true.

If we can't even agree in faith...

If we just want each others company for a short precarious time...

If we just want to have short shallow meetings and pretend they are meaningful...

Then who are we kidding? We are lost. Beyond lost. We don't care if the body, the other being we meet believes what we can understand. We don't care if they love us truly and completely. We just are looking for the short fleeting pleasures of giggles and smiles. But smiles don't last. And emotional baggage is heavy.

Understanding lasts. And I don't understand you.

If you believe in God like you said. Even in that different way of yours, that I don't comprehend. If you really believe God created men and God created women then you believe in the message He sent. We both know God sent the Bible. And I know God sent the Quran.

I know that in the original Bible the truth was sent, that some things remain true despite the translations. Despite the religion courses Jess told me about where the biblical stories are taken and changed to see how the later stories are influenced. Changed for curiosity's sake. The magnitude of each interference is examined, is seen as interesting instead of horrifying .

Is God's word a joke?

That it can be changed just for fun? And despite this God sent us another book, the Quran which includes in it the same teachings of the Bible and the true books before. With the truth and laws for best living concisely given for all of humanity through the Prophet Muhammad. The messenger whose enemies even called him Al-Amin, The Trustworthy. The truth brought from the trustworthy. And a promise from God that no one will be able to change the Quran. A true promise. 1400 years later it is the same.

So much consistency and wisdom in one book that young children under ten memorize the entire 600 pages. That if the Quran disappeared it would take but a few short days for it to be written up from the memories of those Hafiz, the preservers. And not with even one letter out of place.

But some things in the Bible still are consistent evenly with the Quran, aren't they?

Both have marriage in them. Neither wants us to date.

So if you believe in that, or say, at least, that you do, how can I trust you will be faithful to me when you aren't even faithful to your creator. He prescribed marriage. Thus, marriage in a church. Thus, it is a sin to commit adultery. We should be lowering our gaze, not dressing our brides like exposed dolls. Marriage is supposed to be life-altering and the day where two souls come together. But people have made it into a joke by sleeping with each other and having kids before they are united before God. God is not a joke.

This life is short. YOLO won't cut it. We Only Die Once. We are Only Judged Once. So woe onto us for being so precarious. For not caring what we to do to us. This life gets us what we have earned in the next. If we don't try harder then we get nothing. Only burning.

"YOLO": "And they say: 'There is nothing except our life on this earth, and never shall we be raised up again." (Quran 6:29).

Do you think God doesn't know what you do? That he doesn't know of all the others you've been with too? He knows. He knows everything. He's our creator and he knows how we are. That's why God prescribed to us marriage, not one night stands.

That's why it's hard for me to trust you because I don't know where you stand. Not that I don't still give you the benefit of the doubt, but now that I see you're one of those, one of those that don't care about being faithful for what they say is their way of life, their religion, how can I believe that going out with you isn't wrong?

How can I give myself to someone even for an evening alone when I can't trust them?

When I don't understand them?

And why on the earth that our Creator made, would they trust me? They don't even know me.

So that leaves me to know that they don't even care.

It's fine to have friends of different religions. Companions to talk to and meet. But when men and women meet, alone without anyone knowing, with their parents unaware, without any sort of guardian for the girl. Really they are meeting with the devil as the third wheel. And I'm done being the devil's aid. Of being disaster's aid.

"Oh God, Sara, what's wrong?" Stephan comes to stand in front of me. His sleek white shirt against his tan skin, his brown hair styled on his head, his black shoes gleaming and his face in a frown.

He's still human after all, the natural feelings to care are still there. The natural belief in God is still there, but it's just so wrong for him to ask.

"I'm not the type to go out actually." Not anymore.

"Oh, I was, I was just thinking we would eat, but that's fine. We can go just go eat at the cafe if you want." Stephen leans back against the table and drops his hands to hold the edges.

"Actually I'm married. And Muslims shouldn't go out with people that aren't their family or spouse." I say and I try to smile.

"Oh wow, that's fine. I-, but I thought you lived alone?" He says pushing himself to perch on the table.

"He's out of the country on business. Anyways Stephan, speaking of home, I have to go, it's getting late."

"Is that a thing too, that you have to isolate yourself?" Stephen frowns. His strong square face stern.

I stop and look at him. Stare him down.

"Look I'm sorry Sara, but you shouldn't spend all your time alone." He says. His blue eyes glimmer with worry.

"I'm not alone, I have friends Stephen. And my husband's coming back next week. Don't worry." I throw a thumbs up at him.

"Okay, as long as you keep some good company. You've been seeming a little sad since you came. But from your husband gone, I get it."

"Thanks for caring Stephan. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, goodnight."

I toss my cake plate into the trash. I wipe the sweat from my hands on my pant leg and hurry to my car.

Stephen is kind and caring, but he just doesn't understand.

These discussions I've had with Tariq through my ignorance have opened my eyes. And each new encounter makes this knowledge tangible. We always talk about different subjects and I never saw them come together in my head until now.

I miss Tariq.