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Disaster's Aid
Disaster
When I was young I was a respecting girl with loads of friends and plenty of attention. Over time, I noticed the way things flowed within the hearts of those around me, I noticed I could influence them. So, I took to asking favours and getting rides to the movies. Simple things. Harmless tasks. Whimsical ideas.
But then I thought of my greatest heist, to take the heart of two so I could stay in my land of fun, my land of acceptance, where I could take charge and have power. To keep my freedom. But I had to watch that fail, I had to see the tears in the eyes of the survivors and finally I'm realizing it's no fun to be disaster's aid. To be the devil's aid. It hurts me. It hurts everyone. It hurts everywhere.
I have become so adept at hiding and sneaking and lying and manipulating that I forgot about my influence. The flying sparks of my manipulations. The dark stones that I pressured into being. No longer diamonds and no longer precious. The shrapnel that buried into the hearts of those I reigned over. That I tried to reign over. That I stormed on, that I forced to believe me, that I can no longer see, not now, and not ever again.
What will they remember me by?
I was so good at keeping tabs on who told secrets about me, who whispered truths about me, and I was so great at keeping them all in the dark. But now the cover is gone, the light is on and I'm far away. I'm still alive and breathing and they might see me again. How would they perceive me, the two faces of a looney? Or just a loony? Not worth the effort, not worth the cost, too many lies and deceits coming from this boss.
What will happen if I ever go back?
I can feel my arms trembling, I'm hiccuping, turning red, Mimi Aunty is holding me and she's holding me tight. I'm linked tight on this chain to this new person. A person of this new land. How can I be sitting here so calm when really I'm so bad?
My heart is quivering, my lungs are rumbling, and all of me is screaming at long last to save someone. I need to get away. I can't take another heart away. I can't taint another soul, this poor guy doesn't know it, but I am North America's greatest mole. I have to leave him be, let his family see me as crazy, hide on the mountains till I'm old, and at least just leave behind one untainted soul.
Just one.
This one.
His face is just too bright.
He's too full of life. I fear, I'm scared, that if I get close I'll burn right through his life. Like fire on oil, quick and hurtful. I'll burn our hearts to nothing and somehow I feel he deserves better.
Something else is in him too, maybe it's pure and that's why my tainted soul is so ready to hide.
I feel as if the whole world is waiting for me to know that this one guy isn't one of those. That I'm not allowed coming close. That I'll burn to bits after destroying his life too. That I'm not allowed to be here. That I'll cut off his happily ever after. That I'm not allowed calling the shots anymore. That when I say the end, it'll really just be the title sequence.
I feel that I'm not the one writing this story.
But then I thought of my greatest heist, to take the heart of two so I could stay in my land of fun, my land of acceptance, where I could take charge and have power. To keep my freedom. But I had to watch that fail, I had to see the tears in the eyes of the survivors and finally I'm realizing it's no fun to be disaster's aid. To be the devil's aid. It hurts me. It hurts everyone. It hurts everywhere.
I have become so adept at hiding and sneaking and lying and manipulating that I forgot about my influence. The flying sparks of my manipulations. The dark stones that I pressured into being. No longer diamonds and no longer precious. The shrapnel that buried into the hearts of those I reigned over. That I tried to reign over. That I stormed on, that I forced to believe me, that I can no longer see, not now, and not ever again.
What will they remember me by?
I was so good at keeping tabs on who told secrets about me, who whispered truths about me, and I was so great at keeping them all in the dark. But now the cover is gone, the light is on and I'm far away. I'm still alive and breathing and they might see me again. How would they perceive me, the two faces of a looney? Or just a loony? Not worth the effort, not worth the cost, too many lies and deceits coming from this boss.
What will happen if I ever go back?
I can feel my arms trembling, I'm hiccuping, turning red, Mimi Aunty is holding me and she's holding me tight. I'm linked tight on this chain to this new person. A person of this new land. How can I be sitting here so calm when really I'm so bad?
My heart is quivering, my lungs are rumbling, and all of me is screaming at long last to save someone. I need to get away. I can't take another heart away. I can't taint another soul, this poor guy doesn't know it, but I am North America's greatest mole. I have to leave him be, let his family see me as crazy, hide on the mountains till I'm old, and at least just leave behind one untainted soul.
Just one.
This one.
His face is just too bright.
He's too full of life. I fear, I'm scared, that if I get close I'll burn right through his life. Like fire on oil, quick and hurtful. I'll burn our hearts to nothing and somehow I feel he deserves better.
Something else is in him too, maybe it's pure and that's why my tainted soul is so ready to hide.
I feel as if the whole world is waiting for me to know that this one guy isn't one of those. That I'm not allowed coming close. That I'll burn to bits after destroying his life too. That I'm not allowed to be here. That I'll cut off his happily ever after. That I'm not allowed calling the shots anymore. That when I say the end, it'll really just be the title sequence.
I feel that I'm not the one writing this story.
♠ ♠ ♠
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