Disaster's Aid

He knows everything.

I rub my face into the designed pillows on my bed. They burn my cheeks. It's thundering outside and my whole body is burning hot in shame. The blankets are bundled around me tightly and I haven't changed out of my pink shalwar suit.

He knows.

I hiccup and cover my mouth so my parents don't wake up. I glance at the darkness, the empty shadows. Every inch of fabric clings to me, pressing into my skin. Every design and bead scorch my skin, but the shame is too deep to go into motion.

Mama told me Tariq headed upstairs after I went to the bathroom to show my dad his new complex and he never came back down after him.

He heard everything, that's why he must have gone right away. He never came back to the lounge. So now I know, he knows.

I won't see his face again, I won't get to hear him speaking about trips around the country with Abou like today, I won't be able to marry him. I won't be able to stop thinking about him. He's good.

And now Tariq is gone.

My body shakes as I sob. I deceived him. I tricked him. I never told him my past. I never led on how hard I was trying to keep away from him.

Harsh sobs bubble in my chest and I choke them out.

I realize now I've lost him. I don't want this to happen. I want him back. But he's safer away from me.

Lightening strikes and my eyes pop as I glance at the window. The strong fabric strains movement and my warm blankets in the humid air suffocate me. I ping-pong my eyes around the room and especially the windows. The pouring rain has silhouetted a figure. A menacing figure.

I blink.

A dark tree sways its' leaves and the figure morphs as the branches separate.

"La Hawla Wa La Quwwata illa Billah. There is no power and strength except with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala," I breathe.

"Ya Allah, please guide me to the straight path. Please give me a nice husband. Please help me get away from here, if it is good for me, and the ones around me, and if I am meant to stay please make it easy for me. Ya Salam, Oh Source of Peace, please put barakah, blessings, in my life. Please give me a strong purpose in life and please make my heart better. Please make me act better. Please. Please. Please. You are my Lord and I have nothing and no one unless you provide for me."

I close my eyes.

It's time for me to stop lying.

Time to stop hiding my true thoughts about this place.

Time for me to have a discussion.

If I'm really meant to be here, it's time for me to open up and stop hiding in my hollow shadows.

Today, I propose that I am different. I will try.