Disaster's Aid

Soul mates.

Matched individuals.

What does it really really mean?

Am I bound to marry him, or am I bound to ruin his life?

Am I bound around his life tightly strangling him with my knots?

But no, he can't be tied. He can't, he's too bright, he's too strong. He thinks things through, so he would know how to escape.

It's not fair. Why is it easy for others? My parents, Aunty Yasmina, they all have their marriage set in stone and they already know they will be okay. They are so strong, their imaan is so good.

On top of them already having ease there, they're so nice I want to copy them. It is hard though because I remember what I did back in North America. I do not want to do the same thing here. I just don't know how to feel or how to react right now. Am I supposed to let this simmering light brighten my whole face or keep myself composed and try to be at ease?

I guess the decision to have our Nikkah is tomorrow should make me happy, right?

Mama explained to me the plan when I was having breakfast. Cold fresh yogurt from the cows on our land with brown sugar and a hot buttery paratha. It melted in my mouth and her plan melted my nerves. Mama was speaking to me last night as well, we had a long discussion well into the night. It's like she knew how to quell my feelings from earlier in the week. We even prayed our dawn prayer before sleeping.

She would rest her head at a tilt whenever she smiled at me. Thoughtful. Seeking. Knowing. I feel like she thinks I'm ready to just accept this.

I feel a bubbling in my stomach, I am not sure if it is lava or sunshine.

I put down my empty plates in the sink and wash them with the Sunlight detergent we brought from home.

Nikkah is marriage, the official ceremony. So is it our parents plan, or is Tariq asking for my hand? Does he still want to marry me? Does he feel obligated? The Nikkah means we are spouses. Mama makes it sound like we will be "halal" boy friend and girl friend, which doesn't really make much sense, because we are actually husband and wife after the event.

Goosebumps run over my arms and I rush to the courtyard of my father's house to sit beside the roaming peacocks and their dancing wings. Everyone else will be busy having breakfast. I watch the birds chill in their giant cage, eyeing me curiously.

I feel oddly judged by this magnificent work of art and lower my gaze.

The whole halal girl friend thing is just about me not leaving the house yet and leaving more slowly, but also getting to know Tariq first before living with him. It's cultural, to help families and daughters go through a transition instead of an abrupt change. It's to avoid the idea that fiance's should be meeting in private. It is to encourage that when two people are decided to be together they can be together completely. No one in the community looks down on them, they don't feel wrong about hanging out or chatting and they are not sinning because they are married.

So, a simple yes means he's mine.

I grin and cover my face with both hands.

"Oh Allah, please help me!"