Secret Happiness
Part 7
How can such a small person create such a big mess, have so many things? After changing her crib and putting all her toys away I go down stairs and make a cup of tea. All day I’ve been running errands here and there, doing this and that. All the things that I’ve been putting off because something or other has cropped up.
5 years ago everything was so different. All I had to worry about was if I met my deadlines or I had a clean pair of knickers in the morning. I didn’t have to worry about anyone, I wasn’t responsible for anyone. The only people I missed were my parents back home yet now, now that I have Emily my world is upside down. I worry about her every day, if she’s eating ok, if her health is ok, if she’s getting enough sleep. When she cries my heart skips a beat and everything in my body tells me just to protect her. She’s only been gone for a few hours and I miss her like crazy, I feel like I haven’t seen her in an age. I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
I start to flick though the channels on the TV but all I can find is either soaps or really shit reality car crash TV. Without Emily my life is so boring. The door knocks and I all but jump out of my skin and throw my tea all down my front. I put my mug down on the table and try to pat my top dry as much as I can. ‘Just coming!’
When I open the door I’m presented with my little baby girl fast asleep on the shoulder of her father who is standing there behind his shades with one arm holding her and the other arm stroking her hair.
‘Hello Rae.’
I wish I could see his eyes.
‘Hey, come on in.’ I move aside and he enters the hallway swaying her slightly side to side. ‘Hey, sorry for the mess, I forgot what time it was. How was she? Was she alright?’ He takes off his shades and places them in his pocket.
‘She was fine, behaved. She had a lot of fun; I took her back to my hotel, we had some lunch then she played some games in the pool with me and Emma. She tired herself out and fell asleep on the ride over.’
‘Good, she’ll sleep through the night then.’ There’s an Elephant in the room but neither of us are going to go first. So we just stand there in the aura of awkward silence. Thank God for the stirring baby. She takes a deep breath and starts to rub her eyes. I put my hand on her back then start to stroke her hair. ‘Hey, baby girl.’ I say soft and soothingly. ‘I think it’s time we got you to bed, hmm?’ She rubs her eyes once more then faces away.
‘ Daddee bed.’
‘Baby, Daddy has to go now, he’s very busy.’ She starts to cry a very pitiful cry, I hate to have to say no to her but it’s better to get this over and done with now rather than later. Jared tries to comfort her and give her to me but she won’t let go of him. Oh she is definitely her mother’s daughter.
‘Okay, okay how about Daddy put you to bed, huh? How about that baby, shall Daddy take you?’ Jared takes the initiative to calm her down and I have to say I’m surprised, the last time he put her to bed she was just a baby. ‘Is that alright?’
‘Yeah, of course her room’s the second-‘
‘Second on the right, yeah I remember.’ He looks at me and I suddenly become aware of the now silence in the room. She’s gone straight back to sleep on his shoulder, like she never even woke.
‘Her pyjamas are in the top drawer by the window.’ He nods and looks at her. I lean in and kiss her head goodnight ‘Night night sweet angel.’ I put my hands on my hips when Jared takes her upstairs. For a couple of minutes we look like a normal family at bed time.
Ten or so minutes pass and he slowly comes back down the stairs. I come out of the kitchen with a fresh cup of tea for me and a glass of water for Jared. ‘Come on, come and have a drink with me. Or do you have some other engagement you have to be at?’ I walk past him into the living room and place our drinks on the coffee table. He lets out an exasperated breath and stalks over to the sofa and sits down next to me. He leans back and rests his arm on the back of the sofa.
‘You know I’m busy. You know I have a lot on my plate right now.’
‘Just stop. Jared, okay? Just stop.’ I was tired of all his excuses. I didn’t want to torture myself by listening to the same ones again. ‘I’ve had enough Jared, we both have. Why are you still making these promises you know you can’t keep? You build her hopes up every time, and the way she blindly admires you it’s- it’s cruel.’ Jared takes a deep breath and looks to his lap. Here it comes, the shit storm of a slanging match.
I was fully expecting him to retaliate, point out all the reasons I’m wrong, go on about his career and commitments. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to nod his head.
‘You’re right. You’re right, it’s cruel Rae.’ He bucks his jaw and shakes his head. ‘I can’t stop letting her down. I’m supposed to be her father, who’s here to protect her and to put her to bed every night.’ He takes his arm off the sofa and places his hands over mine. ‘That’s why I want you to reconsider coming back to LA with me.’
My eyes widen and my breath quickens. I go to speak but he cuts me off. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for long time. Today she was in the pool with Emma and she looked so happy. She wanted to go to the deep end and when Emma held her back she was splashing so hard to get away. I dived in and came up out of the water right in front of her and she gave the biggest laugh. That should have been us. You should have been the one holding her.’
‘Jared, I-‘
‘I’m going to buy a new place, a bigger one. Better security, hidden away from the rest of the world. I’ll keep the work at the hub and come home to you two every night.’ He places his forehead to mine and brings out hands to his chest. ‘Please Rae, please think about this.’ I bit my lips and put my hand on his cheek.
‘Jared, I’m sorry but I can’t.’ I whisper soothingly. His eyes are closed in desperation, or fear, I can’t decide which.
‘I know you’re scared, but once you’re out there you’ll realise.’ I sit up a little straighter and try to gather myself. I suppose now is as good a time as ever.
‘Jared, I can’t go because I have commitments here.’
‘If you’re worried about nursery, that’s not a problem. We’ll get a nanny; we’ll find the best nursery there.’
‘Jared, I’m seeing someone. He’s called Harry.’
If I’d have slapped him in the face it would have stunned him less. He looks speechless. He swallows hard and blinks back the tears forming in his eyes. It’s like I can see him physically pulling away and closing in on himself.
‘I have to go.’ In a matter of moments Jared goes from sitting on the sofa to heading for the door.
‘Jared, please stay, we need to talk about this.’
‘I can’t. I just can’t.’ He throws his hands in the air and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
I instinctively look towards the stairs and hope she doesn’t wake.. What the fuck just happened?
5 years ago everything was so different. All I had to worry about was if I met my deadlines or I had a clean pair of knickers in the morning. I didn’t have to worry about anyone, I wasn’t responsible for anyone. The only people I missed were my parents back home yet now, now that I have Emily my world is upside down. I worry about her every day, if she’s eating ok, if her health is ok, if she’s getting enough sleep. When she cries my heart skips a beat and everything in my body tells me just to protect her. She’s only been gone for a few hours and I miss her like crazy, I feel like I haven’t seen her in an age. I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
I start to flick though the channels on the TV but all I can find is either soaps or really shit reality car crash TV. Without Emily my life is so boring. The door knocks and I all but jump out of my skin and throw my tea all down my front. I put my mug down on the table and try to pat my top dry as much as I can. ‘Just coming!’
When I open the door I’m presented with my little baby girl fast asleep on the shoulder of her father who is standing there behind his shades with one arm holding her and the other arm stroking her hair.
‘Hello Rae.’
I wish I could see his eyes.
‘Hey, come on in.’ I move aside and he enters the hallway swaying her slightly side to side. ‘Hey, sorry for the mess, I forgot what time it was. How was she? Was she alright?’ He takes off his shades and places them in his pocket.
‘She was fine, behaved. She had a lot of fun; I took her back to my hotel, we had some lunch then she played some games in the pool with me and Emma. She tired herself out and fell asleep on the ride over.’
‘Good, she’ll sleep through the night then.’ There’s an Elephant in the room but neither of us are going to go first. So we just stand there in the aura of awkward silence. Thank God for the stirring baby. She takes a deep breath and starts to rub her eyes. I put my hand on her back then start to stroke her hair. ‘Hey, baby girl.’ I say soft and soothingly. ‘I think it’s time we got you to bed, hmm?’ She rubs her eyes once more then faces away.
‘ Daddee bed.’
‘Baby, Daddy has to go now, he’s very busy.’ She starts to cry a very pitiful cry, I hate to have to say no to her but it’s better to get this over and done with now rather than later. Jared tries to comfort her and give her to me but she won’t let go of him. Oh she is definitely her mother’s daughter.
‘Okay, okay how about Daddy put you to bed, huh? How about that baby, shall Daddy take you?’ Jared takes the initiative to calm her down and I have to say I’m surprised, the last time he put her to bed she was just a baby. ‘Is that alright?’
‘Yeah, of course her room’s the second-‘
‘Second on the right, yeah I remember.’ He looks at me and I suddenly become aware of the now silence in the room. She’s gone straight back to sleep on his shoulder, like she never even woke.
‘Her pyjamas are in the top drawer by the window.’ He nods and looks at her. I lean in and kiss her head goodnight ‘Night night sweet angel.’ I put my hands on my hips when Jared takes her upstairs. For a couple of minutes we look like a normal family at bed time.
Ten or so minutes pass and he slowly comes back down the stairs. I come out of the kitchen with a fresh cup of tea for me and a glass of water for Jared. ‘Come on, come and have a drink with me. Or do you have some other engagement you have to be at?’ I walk past him into the living room and place our drinks on the coffee table. He lets out an exasperated breath and stalks over to the sofa and sits down next to me. He leans back and rests his arm on the back of the sofa.
‘You know I’m busy. You know I have a lot on my plate right now.’
‘Just stop. Jared, okay? Just stop.’ I was tired of all his excuses. I didn’t want to torture myself by listening to the same ones again. ‘I’ve had enough Jared, we both have. Why are you still making these promises you know you can’t keep? You build her hopes up every time, and the way she blindly admires you it’s- it’s cruel.’ Jared takes a deep breath and looks to his lap. Here it comes, the shit storm of a slanging match.
I was fully expecting him to retaliate, point out all the reasons I’m wrong, go on about his career and commitments. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to nod his head.
‘You’re right. You’re right, it’s cruel Rae.’ He bucks his jaw and shakes his head. ‘I can’t stop letting her down. I’m supposed to be her father, who’s here to protect her and to put her to bed every night.’ He takes his arm off the sofa and places his hands over mine. ‘That’s why I want you to reconsider coming back to LA with me.’
My eyes widen and my breath quickens. I go to speak but he cuts me off. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for long time. Today she was in the pool with Emma and she looked so happy. She wanted to go to the deep end and when Emma held her back she was splashing so hard to get away. I dived in and came up out of the water right in front of her and she gave the biggest laugh. That should have been us. You should have been the one holding her.’
‘Jared, I-‘
‘I’m going to buy a new place, a bigger one. Better security, hidden away from the rest of the world. I’ll keep the work at the hub and come home to you two every night.’ He places his forehead to mine and brings out hands to his chest. ‘Please Rae, please think about this.’ I bit my lips and put my hand on his cheek.
‘Jared, I’m sorry but I can’t.’ I whisper soothingly. His eyes are closed in desperation, or fear, I can’t decide which.
‘I know you’re scared, but once you’re out there you’ll realise.’ I sit up a little straighter and try to gather myself. I suppose now is as good a time as ever.
‘Jared, I can’t go because I have commitments here.’
‘If you’re worried about nursery, that’s not a problem. We’ll get a nanny; we’ll find the best nursery there.’
‘Jared, I’m seeing someone. He’s called Harry.’
If I’d have slapped him in the face it would have stunned him less. He looks speechless. He swallows hard and blinks back the tears forming in his eyes. It’s like I can see him physically pulling away and closing in on himself.
‘I have to go.’ In a matter of moments Jared goes from sitting on the sofa to heading for the door.
‘Jared, please stay, we need to talk about this.’
‘I can’t. I just can’t.’ He throws his hands in the air and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
I instinctively look towards the stairs and hope she doesn’t wake.. What the fuck just happened?