Back for Good

“Matt, I’m leaving.” I slowly opened his door and peaked inside and saw him sprawled all over his bed, he looked over his shoulder then scoffed, “Alright, see you in a decade.” Obviously, he was still pissed off at me for not telling him that I had to leave for Germany and stay there until God knows when. I sighed heavily and stepped inside, closing the door behind me, pushed his foot with my hand then sat on the edge on the bed. “You’re running late, go ahead.” Matt made a gesture in his hand to shoo me while his face was kept buried in the bed, he was being unbelievable right now. Maybe I was not too sensitive enough to not tell him right away but if only he knew how much of a hard time I was having leaving him and the rest of the guys. At first, I thought being with them would be a disaster since Matt just dragged me to come on tour with them but then I’ve realized being around them was like being with five big brothers that was there to make fun of me all the time but then be there to protect me in times of trouble.

Except for Matt though, because with him it’s a totally different story. I’ve been in love with him since before A7X, before everything happened that led us to this. I never really got the chance to tell him because I was their best friend. They ran to me when they had girl problems, when their stomach’s growling or simply when they just made up a new joke and someone has to laugh at it. (I’m shallow, even the corniest joke of Jimmy could crack me up)

I’ve realized that it’s been a whole five minutes since I sat there without saying a word and it was dead silent at the room so I figured I’d break it: “You’d really let me leave like this, huh. Nice.” I blurted with sarcasm and to my surprise he sat straight so we were inches from each other.

“Don’t say that as if you didn’t do anything bad.”

“Bad? What is it? That I didn’t have the courage to tell you that I’m leaving?”

“Exactly, that’s what’s wrong with you, Gwyneth!” He spat out, “I don’t understand what’s making you have a hard time to tell me when you could just casually tell Johnny and the rest of the gang during dinner while I was out jogging. I’m no different from them, wait, actually I’m fucking different because you met me first! Shouldn’t you trust me? We both know how much we understand each other well, I know you inside and out and you’re the same to me! I wonder why is it so hard to explain to me when it’s so goddamn easy for you to tell them everything. What the fuck!”

By the time he finished, he towered over me his eyes filled with anger as it laid on mine. And also, by the time he finished, he’d already torn my heart into a billion pieces. He still didn’t get it. I also rose so we were face to face, not minding out quite huge height difference.

“That’s why you don’t understand, Matt.” I said my index finger almost buried in his chest as I pressed on to it. “You’re an insensitive fuck.”

His eyebrows furrowed as it spelled out confusion and surprise, surprise because I’d never say anything like that to him, confusion because as I said: he’s an insensitive fuck.

“I’m insensitive now, yeah? Just because I was hurt that you didn’t bother to tell me you’re leaving? That a big fucking thing if you were not informed, Gwyneth. Germany’s miles away I can’t just drive to see you there because it’s far fucking away and that’s my point! It’s fucking far!” he made emphasis on the last thing he said.

I had been running for a flight and the next one would be in nine hours so I better not miss this and I as much as I don’t want to be an emotional wreck on my plane ride, I had it coming. I took a deep breath and said what I’ve been dying to tell him since ’95.

“I’m in love with you, Matthew Charles Sanders how could you have not gotten that. That’s why I kept telling you you’re insensitive because all this time I’ve been there for you and all I was to you was a fucking sister or sometimes even a mother! I don’t want to tell you I’m leaving because I’m not taking it well because the idea of not seeing your face everyday breaks me because I’ve so used to it. I love you, Matt. Even though you’ve been such an insensitive fuck.”

I think I didn’t even finish my little speech in there because I came running down to the car. “Brian,” I said as I slip in to the backseat, “Pedal to the medal, now.” I said sharply then we sped off.

Two weeks later, I’ve gotten a voice mail from Jimmy telling me to listen to one of the songs from their new album: Waking the Fallen. The song was named Unholy Confessions and he told me Matt made it for me. At first I thought ‘what, now he thinks I’m the devil?’ because of the name he gave the song

But I listened to it in the four wall of my room in our Germany home; everyone was out so noise wasn’t a problem. The incident that happened before my departure flashed back and there it was. The words that inflicted me pain and cause me to brawl over my pillow until I fell asleep

“I know its hurting you but its killing me”

It haunted me for weeks.

The entire time those memories of 2003 were coming back to me, I was tracing the details on Brian and Michelle’s nuptials invitation. “I think it’s time you’d come back, Gwyn. It’s been awhile; we’d want to see you.” I remember Brian telling me over the phone, we talked for hours not minding how much it is costing him since he was the one who called. “Brian, I don’t know. After what happened with me and Matt…” I tried reasoning myself out but I heard a faint laugh.

“The two of you probably grew out of it, after all, seven years have passed.” He said casually and for a moment I didn’t know what to tell him because maybe I didn’t. No matter how many things are going on around here or how much I try to occupy myself. It’s still there. I still told Matt I loved him seven years ago and sad to say, I couldn’t go back and re-do the entire thing. I could have just got out of there. Exit and just get away from it and not go back to Huntington forever.

But I decided I should play the stupid card and profess my long-time unrequited love from him. Brian cleared his throat then I forgot he was still on the other line, “Sorry,” I muttered then the next words I blurt out were something I didn’t expect from myself, “You’re right. I’ll book the earliest flight out of here and I’ll head over there.” I paused for a moment “you guys still live together and it’s still the same place, right?”

“Of course. See you, pumps. (The other nickname they had for me, short term for “pumpkin”) I couldn’t wait and I bet the guys would just their heads off as soon as I tell them.” I warmly smiled to myself as I felt that he was smiling back there in California: the place I’ve missed for quite some time and also the place I’ve been too scared to even come near at until now.

It’s ironic, I know. Don’t point it out.