Was It Ever Enough?

April 11, 2012

I met John O'Callaghan from The Maine last night! Ohmigod! He was so cute, even if he looked so sad. Someone said he broke up with his girlfriend. But is it possible that they were planning a wedding? Anyway, he was so cute and maybe he was just tired?

***

It's not cancer.

These words sounded in her head like an echo. It wasn't cancer. So why the hell did he tell her that diagnosis earlier?
When she found out she was pregnant, she told the doctor about other symptoms; sometimes fever, sometimes low-grade fever, lack of appetite, joints pain, which usually occur in the later stages of pregnancy, epistaxis, photosensibility and terrible headaches. She had initial health examination and the doctor said that it might be cancer.

And now he said that it wasn't cancer.

"This is systemic lupus erythematosus" he said, and she looked at him, not understanding. Another stupid name that didn't say anything to her.

"Could you speak English?" she said through gritted teeth. She scolded herself in her mind and she took a deep breath.

"It's a systemic autoimmune disease that can affect any part of your body... Your immune system attacks your body's cells and tissue, resulting in inflammation and tissue damage." he said.

"I don't... I-I don't understand. Do you mean..."

"Yes. It's like...it makes your body want to kill itself." he explained. Lorelei shook her head, trying to understand every word she had just heard. "And you're pregnant."

"And I'm pregnant" she repeat. It wasn't cancer and she didn't have to get chemotherapy. This could be not safe for the child. But now, she had just heard that her body wanted to kill itself. "I guess, it's not safe for my baby."

"Well, for women with SLE... I'm being honest, pregnancy can present some particular challenges for both mother and child. Of course, some of infants born to mothers who have SLE are healthy. But of live births, approximately one third are delivered prematurely. Pregnant mothers with SLE should remain under medical care until delivery, because some of them, in addition, other symptoms, have an extra increased risk for pregnancy complications. Your child may be healthy, because safe treatment that you will get during a few first weeks, will be sufficient protection for it. But they will stop being protection for you. And it can be deadly. This disease is unpredictable."

"So, again you ask me to choose? Treatment or child?" she asked and he nodded. "I told you then and I haven't changed my mind. I've chosen the baby."

"I meant... It's ok. It's ok to be pregnant and have SLE, and I'll send you to treatment, but you need to know about risk and effects for your child, even if they are not such big and harmful as for you. Your life and health or its life."

"I know. I understand. I really understand. And I want it to be born. Even if it's not safe for me" she said. She decided that she will be a better mother for her child than her parents were for her.

***

"It's awful, isn't it?" Jordan looked at medical flyers and articles about that disease. Lorelei smiled to herself, thinking that Jordan took it as if it concerned her.

"Well, yeah, but shouldn't you be the person that comforts me? Just saying." she smiled at her.
They were at Jordan's apartment in Los Angeles where Lorelei had been staying for almost three past weeks. Actually, since her engagement party. Jordan lived with Dirk at his apartment in LA (fortunately, John lived in Tempe) and her own flat was empty and free. There were just a few furniture, but Lorelei was fine with it.

She bit her lower lip, just dying to ask about John. She missed him so much and her heart was broken. She wanted to see him, but that wasn't possible. So, although she wanted to know any new fact about him, she could just see some tumblr-news or twitter-facts.

"Go ahead, Lorelei. Ask about him" Jordan gave her a cup of tea and Lorie let a sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank God. How's John? Is he fine? I mean, I know he's not, but..."

"Yes. He's not. He's definitely not, Lorie. First week? He didn't even go out of his apartment. And he drank heavily. I guess, he still does. But at least he got back to the studio and guys can control him, a bit. But he misses you so much. And I can swear, he cried after you had left. But before that, he had done a scene and yelled at us, wanting to know the reasons of your leaving. Of course, I didn't tell him. But... to hell with it. Why did you have to leave him? You're expecting the baby. His baby."

"God, J. I explained it to you, like a hundred times. It's not just a baby. It's a serious disease. I'm not sure if I will be able to get the right treatment because of the pregnancy. And we both know, John wouldn't agree to it. He would tell me to choose treatment, even if this child is his...you know, something he dreamed about. I wouldn't be able to kill it, ok? That's why I had to do it." she said, wiping tears. Jordan grabbed her hands and rubbed them. "I miss him so much."

"I know, sweetheart, I know." Jordan said. At least, Lorelei had her and Jordan told her news about John. "Bought you food and some other things. If you need something, call me, ok?" she hugged Lorelei. She nodded. "I love you, take care of yourself and the baby."