Was It Ever Enough?

April 29, 2012

Guess who I met and talked to tonight! So hot. So sweet. He was after a few beers, but he still was charming.

She saw a picture of his and some girl, who was a fan. He looked so handsome. She touched the laptop screen and ran her finger down the place where were his collarbones-tattoos.

***

Lorelei looked around. Sad, white walls. Everything was so...sterile. And everyone pretended that everything was ok, even if it wasn't. That's why she hated hospitals.
She took a deep breath, packing her clothes to her small suitcase. And then she turned, wanting to get out of here as soon as possible.
Lorie saw a tall, blonde woman, who was wearing a stylish dress and her hair was tied. She looked elegant as always. Lorelei looked at her necklace of pearls, which she knew so well. She had always admired it since she was a little girl.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked, looking at that woman angrily. "How did you find out? Did you use your money to find out how things are?"

"No, I found out by accident" the woman finally said. Lorie laughed bitterly. "Lorelei, sweetheart..."

"Don't you ever dare to call me like that. I'm not your sweetheart, I've never been, have I, mother? We haven't seen each other since I left home and now you're here because you found out by accident that your daughter is...dying? How fucking cute..."

"Language, Lorelei Mae" her mother said through gritted teeth and sent her a glare. Then, she gave the sigh of disappointment that never failed to make Lorie feel twelve again.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, looking down at her feet and straightened her posture the way she'd been taught during all those interminable charm classes she'd endured during middle school. Suddenly, she lifted her gaze to her mother. "You know what? No, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry anymore. I run away from you because you didn't love me."

"Don't be silly. Of course we did" Julianne Albow looked at her. Lorie rolled her eyes and grabbed her suitcase.

"Only when I was doing what you did expect. Was it okay for a child who wanted to be good enough for their parents? But I've never been" she wanted to leave but her mother stopped her. Lorelei took a deep breath. "There is one thing which I am grateful for. And I will always thank you for that. It's one of the best things in my life. Dancing. Do you remember? You sent me to the dance classes. Actually, you told my nanny to sent me. You just wanted not to look after me. And you've never seen me dancing, even when I won so many awards you weren't proud of me. I was able to forgive dad, he had always been busy, working hard to make sure you had everything you wanted. But you? What was more important? Shopping, silly friends and showing up as the wife of a great doctor?"

"And for you, the child is more important to you than...yourself? You've made a decision and you don't want to change it. You've always been stubborn!"

"Stubborn? No, mother. I'm not stubborn and I've never been. Just...I'm just not you! My baby is more important than myself."

"Think of yourself, Lorelei Mae. What do you have now? Just a child? You don't even have yourself. And that boy. Jonathan... Not that I liked him, but now you got away from him too, because of what? Because of some child."

"It's John, but I see that you did the investigation" she said. Her heart started to beat faster as she thought about him. "And it's not some child. It's my child and I love it. Now, get the fuck out of here. Or I-I.. don't care." she left the room and then the hospital.

***

She twisted and hit the floor, gasping. She closed her eyes, trying to calm her body and her mind down, although the music rumbling in her ears. She has been dancing for two hours, she wanted to forget about everything. Dancing had always helped her. And now she was lying on the floor at the Jordan's apartment. In the living room. She had moved two armchairs and a coffee table, closer to the wall, because she wanted to have more space. And then, she turned on the music. A large mirror that hung on the wall was useful.

"Are you fucking stupid?" she heard a voice. She opened her eyes, turning her head to Jordan, who was standing and looking at her. "You've chosen killing yourself. Okay, but seriously, do you want to do the same to the baby? I thought it has to be born" Jordan gave her a smile and sat next to her. "Can I touch it?" she asked, looking at her fourth-and-half-month baby bump. Lorie was wearing a bodysuit instead of baggy John's shirt and now a baby bump was noticeable. She nodded and Jordan put her hands on it, smiling. "It's growing so fast. It's been over a month since you're here and now I can see it. How have you been?"

"I have good and bad days" she shrugged.

"And today is...?"

"Physically? A good one. Mentally? It couldn't feel worse" she whispered. "I was in the hospital for two days. They wanted to monitor me. And they did some tests. I've been great so far, if I may say so in this situation. Now...taking drugs, some rest and.. Bruises began to appear on my body. But this is one of the symptoms. The only thing I have to remember is that at any moment it can be worse."

"We all miss you. Even if the boys are getting furious and mad at you. John is unbearable. But he still misses you" Jordan rubber her baby bump. "So there's only John in your mind or...? You know, you haven't danced for some time, even if you had to leave. But now..." Jordan looked around. The she stood up and turned off the music.

"My mother was here. I mean, she found me at the hospital. I don't know how and... I haven't seen her for almost five years!"

"What the hell did she want from you?"

"She reminded me that I mean nothing to her. And said that I should get rid of the child" she said quietly.

"No, you can’t. I mean...maybe you should, but it's your decision and all I can do is supporting you. Everyone has the right to say what they think about this situation, everyone, but not your mother" she grabbed her hand. "Don't think about her, now the most important thing is your health. And the baby, of course."

"Tell me about John. Is he okay?"

"He's better with each passing day, but...not really. Earlier he didn't want anyone to see, now he's looking everywhere for provocations. He almost fought with Gare a few days ago. But they are okay now, I guess."

"I wish he was here" Lorelei sighed, rubbing her baby bump. Jordan gave her a sad smile and lay next to her. "At least, I have you."