Was It Ever Enough?

Lorelei lunged at him as he entered the apartment. She wrapped her arms around his neck, sobbing. John hugged her, rubbing her back and arms.

"Hey, what's going on, Rory Bug?" he asked softly, but worriedly. After awhile, she pulled away and handed him a pregnancy test. With two pink lines. His eyebrows furrowed. Then, he heard her sobbing again. He pulled her tiny frame to his body, hugging her.

"We're not ready for the baby. I... I-I... I'm not ready to be a mom, John" she said quietly. He nodded, putting his hands on her cheeks. He kissed her forehead and her nose. Then her lips.

"It's just a test. You need to go to your doctor, ok?" he asked and she nodded, hiding more in his arms.

Two days later he found her in their bedroom. This morning she had a doctor's appointment, but he couldn't go with her because of an important meeting with the producer. And now, she was laying on their bed, sobbing.

The visit didn't go so well, he thought.

"I'm not pregnant" she whispered and he frowned, sitting next to her. She sat, seeing his gaze.

"Then why are you crying?" he rubbed her thigh as she placed her body in his arms. Lorelei shrugged as he kissed her forehead.

"Because I'm not pregnant" she said again. "I don't know... I just... I'm not ready for the baby, but I really thought I was pregnant. I imagined everything!"

"And?"

"I thought about our wedding, how you wouldn't be able to resist making jokes during our vows. And earlier, about the problem of choosing a perfect ring for me. Even if a child doesn't mean quick wedding, I know, you're a good guy. Besides, your mother would kill you if you had a child and didn't get married to me. And other things. Buying bigger house because of the baby and three dogs you'd buy for me. Or something" she explained with a small smile. He smiled back. "And it was pretty great. I mean, those thoughts. I'm still not ready, I guess, but..."

"But it will happen, I promise. Someday" John kissed her lips, pulling her to his chest.

***

"No" John shook his head. "Just no. She should be healthy. She's only twenty-two, she'll be okay, right? She has to" John's gaze switched around on the floor, like it would have the answer.

He was tired.

Physically. He had spend like ten hours here, trying to get some news about her. But they only told him to wait. He was sick and tired of waiting.

Mentally. He was tired of this bullshit. He still didn't understand her lie and he was trying to rationally explain it to himself.

"You'll find a way to fix this, huh? I know you will. You're a doctor, for God's sake" John looked at him, trying to find the answer. The right answer. The answer he needed to get.

"Son," Dr. Harries sighed. "I can assure you that we're doing everything we can, but..."

"No!" he yelled, giving him an angrily look. Ross grabbed his arm, to make sure his brother won't hit this man. "You're not doing everything you can, because she's still not okay!" he shouted. Dr. Harries nodded knowingly.

"Sir... That was her choice."

"Her choice? She has chosen to have this damn disease? What a bullshit!" he spat, shaking his head.

"No, she has chosen a baby, not the right for this disease treatment. I don't understand her decision, but I had to respect that. I've never seen such a dedication for the baby. She has chosen your daughter. This little girl is more important for her than herself. Of course, her condition is bad, let's be honest. And I can't tell you if your baby will be ok or if she will be ok."

John's heart almost stopped, hearing about a baby. It was a girl. His little girl. Their little girl. Even if John was furiously mad at Lorelei, he wasn't at their baby. He couldn't. At least, he tried.

"But we did everything we could do and in this situation, we are doing everything that we can. This disease is unpredictable and it was a real challenge for her. It still is. She has been doing great, but at this moment her body refuses to work and just has a crisis. Now, she's after some tests and examination and..."

"Just tell me where Lorelei is" John cut him off. The man sighed, murmuring something and nodding in the direction. John looked at Ross and Jordan, who were standing behind him. He was still mad at them, at least at Jordan. But he couldn't tell her to go. Actually, he could and he had already done. But she flipped him off and stayed.

He walked down the way Dr. sent him, glaring through the windowed walls of each room. It didn't take him long to find Lorie's room. The anger dissolved off of him completely as he came to a stop in her doorway.

She was laying on the bed in a hospital gown, her eyes closed. There were wires coming out of the neck of her gown, connected to machines that beeped next to her.

That was the first time he had seen her since almost three months and Lorelei just looked like a shell. An empty shell of the girl that he loved.

"Lorie?" he breathed, taking steps into the room. He didn't know what he should say. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to be here. He was so mad at her. Jordan and Ross, telling him the truth...they just broke his heart again.

Finally, he sat down on the side of the bed and just stared at her. He just hoped that if he looked at her long enough, she'd finally start to move. And she'd finally tell him the truth, tell him this is a fucking nightmare and they can be together again. Together and happy.

He was still trying to wrap his head around those damns words Dr. Harries had used, even while sitting there, staring down at her lifeless body. He was so confused with those medical terms, but they only were saying one thing. She was dying.

Dying.

And there was nothing he could do. He was helpless.

***

It had been half a week since Lorelei was admitted to the hospital. They continued to do test after test on her. They put her in machines and they monitored her every move. And they still didn't know if she will be okay or not.

"Honey, she's awake" he heard his mother voice and stood up sharply from the couch in the waiting room, where he had fallen asleep an hour ago. Jenny smiled at him, giving him a cup of coffee. He took a sip. "She already knows you're here. Please, don't be mad at her, okay? Don't you dare yell at her, John Cornelius" she sent him a serious gaze. He rolled his eyes, kissing her forehead and giving a cup back to her. Then he made his way to Lorie's room.

Her eyes met his as he walked in and she took a deep breath. John sighed, sitting next to her. He gave her a sad smile, even if the anger filled him completely. He knew that they had to talk. They needed to talk.

"Hey."

"John. H...Hi" she said nervously. "How have you been?" she asked. He shrugged, looking around before his eyes met hers again.

"Shitty as well, but Jordan told you that, didn't she?" he pointed, more than he planned. "I'm sorry. I just.. I'm just trying to understand this whole situation."

"And how's it going?" she asked.

"I feel like my head is going to explode or something" he said. She nodded slightly. "So what about you finally telling me everything I should know?"

"John, I only can say...It's a serious disease. I couldn't agree to get the right treatment because of the pregnancy. And we both know, you wouldn't agree to it. This baby is something we've been dreaming of, isn't it? And even if it’s not, I still wouldn't be able to kill it, ok? You exactly know how my childhood looked like and how I needed to be good enough for someone. For...my parents. I had never been. I couldn't agree to kill my little girl. Our little girl. That's why I had to do it" she explained.

"You should've told me, for God's sake, Lorelei!" he stood up, starting walking around. Lorie slowly raised her hand and wiped away her tears. She knew deep inside, if that moment ever came, it would be damn tough. But it was worse than her imagination.

She could see his anger and his broken heart. In his eyes. And it fucking hurt.

"I'm sorry, I needed to protect her" she whispered.

"Yeah, nice try. Now, you're almost dead and so is she" he spat. Lorelei sobbed again. "You broke my heart. But, now? To hell with it. How do you want to protect the baby when you're dying and you probably won't be with her? Huh? Look at you, how you want to take care of her when you're barely alive!"

"I don't know, John!" she yelled back at him. It was more than her nerves. "I've decided to give her life even if that means that I'll die."

"And then what?"

"I thought... You have to promise me that you'll take care of her. She's your little girl too. You just have to love her and look after her" Lorelei whispered. John looked at her if she was stupid.

"I can't Lorie. I will be not able to do that. I can't promise you that" he said quietly. He heard her sobbing.

"Promise me, John. You have to promise me, J-J.. J-Jo-John."

And suddenly her body began to shake, causing all of the machines to go haywire.

“Lorelei!" he shouted in worry. “Nurse, damnit! Nurse!” he added, turning and looking through the door and windows of her room. Two nurses quickly ran into the room with a doctor.

"We’ve got to get her into surgery. I'm sorry to tell you this, but we need to get this baby out of her today,” Dr. Harries explained after a few minutes, scribbling something down on the chart and then moving around to the other side of the room.

“We’re gonna need you to sign, sir…” A nurse added, holding a clipboard up to me.

"What? I’m not her family or something like that… I don’t…” He looked around the room in panic.

“You’re the father of her child?” Dr. Harries asked from the across the room.

“Well… yes… but -”

“Therefore you act as a family member, you have the authority. We need your consent to go forth with the surgery. She needs to get as soon as possible the drugs that endanger the child,” he said with raised eyebrows towards him.

"But our daughter isn't ready. She'll be not okay, right?"

"Sir, it's 29th week. Yes, she might be not okay, but I promise to do everything we can do, okay?"

John gulped and glanced down at Lorie who was staring up at him with wide, terrified eyes.

“Okay,” he breathed with a nod, letting go of her hand and taking the clipboard and pen from the nurse. He quickly scribbled down his signature and then handed it back to her.

***
"John" his mother took a deep breath as he started walking around for the hundredth time that afternoon. He looked at her.

"It's been forever, fucking forever" he sat down with hands in his hair, gripping onto chunks of it with his fingers. He couldn’t register anything inside of him except for pure panic. Especially since waiting for any news, two hours ago he heard from one of the nurses that there were complications.

Jenny grabbed his hand, squeezing and he put his head on her arm, like always when he was a child. He always was mama's boy. She was his best friend and his greatest support.

"Why did she do it? Why is she so stubborn? I want to hit her. Hard. And..." slamming doors cut him off. He lifted his gaze to some nurse and Dr. Harries.

A man looked tired and John did not know what the look he was giving him meant. And his heart beat faster with every step that reduced the distance between them.