Status: Updating about three times a day (seriously)
Outlines
Chapter Fourteen- Here I Am Composing Of Burlesque
READ AUTHOR NOTE(:
JACK'S POV
Alex left right after I stopped crying. He kissed my forehead, threw on his shirt and left.
There was still never any "You're beautiful" or "I love you" or anything. Zack would've. He would've kissed me-- really kissed me, told me it's okay, and said that he loved me.
I remember the day he came out. It was amazing. He interrupted our teacher who was talking abut how all gays are going to burn in hell. Zack stood up and shouted "Well I guess I have a one way ticket!" and sat back down. Later that day, I told him, Lex and Ri I was too. Zack had given me the courage to be myself. No one else besides them and Cass know. Not even my parents. They would never accept me. It's too risky.
I get up and put my shirt on which is in the doorway of the bathroom, where Alex threw it after he ripped it off my body.
I really want my iPod. Some Green Day or Blink would be nice. Really fucking nice.
Oh well. Not allowed I guess. I would have it if I could.
I walk out of my room and wander the halls until I find myself in the arts and crafts room. Robin, the lady who runs it, hands me a sheet of lined paper and pencil after I tell her I need to write my personal essay. I find a table that's empty. No one except the multitude of crayons that are scattered across the table. I push the crayons out of the way and start to write about how I hate myself but can feel myself getting better. How high school has changed me.
How I am now starting to see I am surrounded by people who love me. How I am starting to be okay with who I am. How I am not afraid.
Because I know that Alex and Rian and Zack will always be there for me. They will always love me.
Because I know I have friends like Vic and Cass, who care even if they won't be here my whole life.
This is exactly what I needed. And I have Zack to thank for it.
"Can I have some more paper?" I ask Robin. This is my 5th time getting more paper. She just nods and holds out a stack of lined paper. She's about 60 and her hair is gray and she looks like a grandma you would be happy to have.
I take the stack, smile at her and run back to my seat. There's only one other person in here besides Robin and I, it's a girl with blonde hair that's curly and down to her shoulders. She's writing something and coloring in certain words. Her brown eyes are filing up with tears. She can't be more than 14. She's wearing skinny jeans and keeps itching at her upper thigh.
Seeing her scratch her stinging cuts makes mine sting and beg for more. It's so sick.
I turn away and keep writing my personal essay.
"I might not be perfect but I have the perfect friends. I have a great life and I swear to myself and everyone else who cares about me that I will never, ever, pick up a blade."
I sign my name at the bottom of the 6th page.
I think I'm going to get an A.
******
The chicken sucks for lunch but it's better than whatever the soup is that's at the edge of my plate, in quarantine.
I stare at the chicken on my plate and feel the table move. I look up. It's the girl from the arts and crafts room.
"C-can I sit h-here?" She asks from across the table.
"Of course."
We sit and eat our disgusting chicken in silence. There's nothing to say.
Nothing to say except for the looks we send each other that mean "Stay strong"
JACK'S POV
Alex left right after I stopped crying. He kissed my forehead, threw on his shirt and left.
There was still never any "You're beautiful" or "I love you" or anything. Zack would've. He would've kissed me-- really kissed me, told me it's okay, and said that he loved me.
I remember the day he came out. It was amazing. He interrupted our teacher who was talking abut how all gays are going to burn in hell. Zack stood up and shouted "Well I guess I have a one way ticket!" and sat back down. Later that day, I told him, Lex and Ri I was too. Zack had given me the courage to be myself. No one else besides them and Cass know. Not even my parents. They would never accept me. It's too risky.
I get up and put my shirt on which is in the doorway of the bathroom, where Alex threw it after he ripped it off my body.
I really want my iPod. Some Green Day or Blink would be nice. Really fucking nice.
Oh well. Not allowed I guess. I would have it if I could.
I walk out of my room and wander the halls until I find myself in the arts and crafts room. Robin, the lady who runs it, hands me a sheet of lined paper and pencil after I tell her I need to write my personal essay. I find a table that's empty. No one except the multitude of crayons that are scattered across the table. I push the crayons out of the way and start to write about how I hate myself but can feel myself getting better. How high school has changed me.
How I am now starting to see I am surrounded by people who love me. How I am starting to be okay with who I am. How I am not afraid.
Because I know that Alex and Rian and Zack will always be there for me. They will always love me.
Because I know I have friends like Vic and Cass, who care even if they won't be here my whole life.
This is exactly what I needed. And I have Zack to thank for it.
"Can I have some more paper?" I ask Robin. This is my 5th time getting more paper. She just nods and holds out a stack of lined paper. She's about 60 and her hair is gray and she looks like a grandma you would be happy to have.
I take the stack, smile at her and run back to my seat. There's only one other person in here besides Robin and I, it's a girl with blonde hair that's curly and down to her shoulders. She's writing something and coloring in certain words. Her brown eyes are filing up with tears. She can't be more than 14. She's wearing skinny jeans and keeps itching at her upper thigh.
Seeing her scratch her stinging cuts makes mine sting and beg for more. It's so sick.
I turn away and keep writing my personal essay.
"I might not be perfect but I have the perfect friends. I have a great life and I swear to myself and everyone else who cares about me that I will never, ever, pick up a blade."
I sign my name at the bottom of the 6th page.
I think I'm going to get an A.
******
The chicken sucks for lunch but it's better than whatever the soup is that's at the edge of my plate, in quarantine.
I stare at the chicken on my plate and feel the table move. I look up. It's the girl from the arts and crafts room.
"C-can I sit h-here?" She asks from across the table.
"Of course."
We sit and eat our disgusting chicken in silence. There's nothing to say.
Nothing to say except for the looks we send each other that mean "Stay strong"
♠ ♠ ♠
I know I haven't updated for a few days. I went to Warped yesterday!It was first day! We were in line and saw Forever The Sickest Kids walking down the line announcing what time they were playing, we saw Kellin Quinn next to his tour bus and waved, he waved back! Held hands with Christofer Drew (HE INTERTWINED HIS FINGERS WITH MINE), met The Silver Heart Club and bought their album for $5, my friend talked to Gabe Barham through the fence and gave him a letter, we went to to the Sleeping With Sirens signing and I hugged all of them except Gabe (he wasn't there so it was a good thing I spotted him at the fence and pointed him out to my friend!!!), heard Motion City Soundtrack play the first song I'd ever heard by them so it was super meaningful, met a monk who looked like Pete Wentz, met the Wonder Years at their signing they were super nice, Motion City merch guy was super chill, Wonder Years show was amazing, SWS show was amazing, Kellin beatboxed! And Kellin and Jesse talked about Jesse's mic stand.
Kellin: It kinda looks like my penis
Crowd: Laughs
Jesse: You guys don't even know what his penis looks like!
Crowd: Laughs again.
(SWS Signing)
Me: Thank you for being (slight pause) you.
Kellin: Aw thank you!
Me: Can I have a hug?
Kellin: (holds out arms)
(HUG)
It was the greatest first day of summer vacation I could have ever asked for.
Hannah Paige