A Lifelong Promise

Paul braced himself for what would be his first encounter with James since Clare left him. He knew he had no reason to feel pangs of nervousness as James wasn't aware of the closeness he shared with Clare, but it didn't make him feel less transparent. He knew eventually James would find out, whether he could right away he doubted, but eventually he'd be forced into the inevitable confrontation.

James dragged his body in and Paul could instantly see just how bad James was taking it. He was a mess, a complete mess. His beard was scruffy, his hair was unkempt, his face was tired and empty. He didn't say anything to anyone upon his arrival but it didn't stop the guys from asking what was up and commenting on his current state of appearance. Paul didn't say anything, he observed from afar and listened to how James would handle it.

"Wow, what happened to you?" Kunitz asked surprised to see his friend in such a bad state.

James didn't say anything he just shook his head and went to his locker. He didn't even look at him all he could do was muster a groan as he shrugged him off.

James threw his stuff down and immediately dropped his face into his palm where he rubbed at it and pressed his fingers hard into his forehead to try and alleviate some of the pressure.

"Seriously dude?" he heard from behind him. "What's up?"

James let out a sigh and slowly spun around. Paul watched out of the corner of his eye as James continued to rub his face, "Clare left me."

"What?" Kunitz asked in surprise. "Wasn't your anniversary..."

"Don't even ask," James cut him off. "Yeah," he finally nodded, "But..." he sighed again unsure of what to say.

"Wow,' dude. I'm really sorry to hear."

"Thanks," James mustered out as his nodded his head.

"What's this?" Crosby asked as he walked closer. "You and Clare split up?"

James turned to him and rolled his eyes not wanting to have to continue this conversation. "Yeah."

Paul looked from James to Crosby and could see the look on Sid's face. He was definitely surprised to hear that it had happened, but it was clear that he wasn't surprised at the same time. Crosby knew was James was up to behind Clare's back and he kind of figured this would be his fate once Clare found out. Paul swallowed as he darted his eyes away-- at least one guy in the room wouldn't be giving James too much sympathy aside from himself. Crosby, of course, said the right thing. "Sorry to hear man," he let out as he gave James a squeeze on the shoulder before he walked back to his locker.

Paul knew if he kept too much distance that James would pick up on something. So, as they got ready to walk out for warm-up's Paul forced himself not to avoid his friend.

"Hey," James breathed out when he saw him looking pitiful and defeated.

"Hey man," Paul answered. He swallowed and let out a puff of air before continuing, unsure of what words to say. "I heard..."

"Yeah," James nodded with a sad expression on his face, he didn't need Paul to keep going. "That happened."

"Yeah..." To say it wasn't an awkward moment would be a lie. "How are you holding up?" Paul asked curious as to what the answer would be. With how James had behaved in order for these actions to be taken by Clare, he wasn't sure what to expect.

"Honestly? Worse than I thought I would be," James answered as Paul noticed just how tired his teammate looked. "I mean, I was totally blindsided, man. I walked in the house when we got back and I thought I'd be greeted by my wife-- not divorce papers."

"That sucks man, I bet." That was the best support Paul could muster up. He wanted to dig into James, tell him that if he hadn't been fucking anything that wiggled on by he wouldn't be in this position to begin with.

"She uh," he ran his hand through his hair and laughed at himself in frustration. "She came to surprise me and apparently she found me in a, uh, compromising situation."

Paul pursed his lips and nodded his head, secretly biting his tongue.

"She came to surprise me dude. And I fucked that up. Funny thing is, I forced myself not to care so much that I didn't realize how much I actually did. Now it's too late. She won't even talk to me. I don't even know where the hell she moved out to. Which," he said quickly, "Is amazing in itself. She caught me the night before our anniversary and when I came home the next night she already moved out and was somewhere new. She wasted no time."

Paul said nothing and continued to nod his head, pretending to simply listen all the while keeping himself restrained.

"You don't seem to have much to say," James finally said as he looked at him surprised and wanting to hear something, anything at this point.

"I can see you're hurting but I don't think you'll like what I have to say all that much."

"Go on," James egged him. "I kind of expected it."

"What did you expect?"

"You to tell me it was my own fault, I deserve what I'm getting."

"Well," Paul swallowed and gave a little shrug. "Don't you?"

"Yeah," James nodded his agreement. "I do."

"So what's the problem then? Why are you so upset? You obviously didn't think too much about this happening if you continued to cheat on her. It was the eve of your anniversary and you were fucking someone else. I mean, it's hard to feel too bad for you here. It isn't like she blindsided you and you were an innocent party."

"I get it," James snapped and his jaw tightened. "I fucked up, alright? I don't need to hear it thrown in my face."

"I don't get you," Paul breathed out in annoyance and shook his head. "You're acting like the victim."

"My wife just left me!" James quickly retorted raising his voice.

"And why is that?" Paul answered just as fast, his voice elevated and laced with anger.

"You act like you've never done anything wrong to a girl," James spat with a lower tone after a few seconds. "I know you've made your share of mistakes, as most of us have. I don't see why that makes me the bad guy."

"You never do." Paul shook his head as he walked away.

"Wait," James yelled out as he quickened his pace to catch up to Paul.

"What?" Paul turned his head and looked at him unsure of what was coming.

"I'm freaking out about that dude she works with. I'm going crazy," James admitted as he became undone.

"Why?" Paul's interest was peaked and for some reason this guy instantly became a threat to him too.

"I went to her job yesterday and tried to find her to talk to her and she made it clear she put the memo out to her co-workers that she didn't want me there."

"Okay?"

"I ran into that guy Jason I told you about. He was so fucking smug, man. He was loving the fact that she wanted nothing to do with me. He basically told me he was going to go after her and it made me so mad I punched him. Then they kicked me out."

"Geez," Paul let out at his revelation. "That's..." he breathed out again. "You hit a guy at her job?" he asked deflecting the main point of this discussion.

"Yeah but that's besides the point. They this thing, this...thing, in a few weeks. Gotta get dressed up and sip champagne for some kinda charity organization or something. I was supposed to go with her. I missed last year because we had a game but this year I was supposed to go with her. Now she'll be there, no rings on her hand, and looking gorgeous as ever."

Paul's heart sped up a little as he thought of the possibility of other guys making a move on Clare. "Well," he said clearing his throat. "She hasn't done anything wrong. You were sleeping with other people while she had those rings on. At least she's giving you the freedom you've been itching to have-- maybe you should do the same for her."

"I don't want the freedom. I thought I did but those papers were a slap in the face. I was feeling guilty as hell before she caught me. Now I just feel like part of me died."

Paul just looked at James and waited for him to keep talking because it was clear by the look that overcame his face that he was hitting rock bottom.

"Actually," James said with a pained look on his face. "It's like she did. She's just gone," he said quietly as he looked down at the ground. "She's gone... and she won't answer. So all I have left of her are the pictures she left at the house and her voice when I try to call and get her voicemail. I killed her man...not physically, obviously. But I killed her spirit. I'm the reason she filed those papers." It was clear that saying those words, accepting them, were hard for James.

Paul felt for James for maybe the first time, ever, in regards to him and Clare. But after a flash of a second he pulled out of it. He'd seen Clare cry one too many times over James. He'd been the shoulder she cried on more than once. This wasn't some one-time event that pushed her away- it was the cherry on top of a shitty, cheating, lying cake. Her leaving was a long-time coming, and that was clear to just about everyone. Everyone, except James.

***

With James having a busy schedule and genuinely not knowing where Clare had moved to, it wasn't hard for her to leave work and go right home. She was always aware of when he had a game or travelled-- which was quite frequently-- and with James being busy it also meant that Paul was as well.

Clare saw Paul at least for a few minutes most nights he was home. She purposefully worked late so that she could keep herself distracted and Paul was busy in his own right. He greeted her and checked in. He kept her informed on how James was coping and admitted that he hadn't seen him leave with a woman since Clare left him. Though, Paul couldn't be completely certain of anything. He was nice to her and Clare appreciated him-- she didn't talk to many people since their split and he was one of her few friends. He gave her the space she needed, which was something she didn't realize she needed so badly until she got it. James would have suffocated her and Paul allowed her to breathe so she could accept everything in her own way.

As Clare was getting ready to walk out the door she saw Jason getting ready to do the same.

"Hey Clare, geez you're here late."

"Yeah, same with you Jason. Why are you here?"

"Rearranging the gems display," he said as he rolled his eyes and gave a little smirk. "Everything has to be perfect for the gala."

"Oh trust me, I know."

"But that isn't why you're here late, is it," Jason asked knowingly.

Clare's cheeks turned a shade of pink and she couldn't contain her nervous smile. "I guess you got me there. I'm sure it's a a tough one to figure out," she said sarcastically.

"How are you holding up?" he asked her as he put his hand on her shoulder. "It's obviously been a tough few weeks for you, but you'd never know if that makes you feel any better. You look beautiful as always."

"Thanks," Clare said bashfully. "I'm doing alright, actually. Everyone seems to think I'm one bad comment away from hanging myself from my shower rod, but I'm really doing alright. I made the right decision, as much as it sucks."

"I'm glad to hear that," he said as he turned to walk out and gently rested his hand on the small of Clare's back, leading her out. "If you need to talk about anything, ever..."

Clare tried to brush him off her as nonchalantly as possible. "Thanks Jason. I really appreciate that. It's very sweet of you."

"You wanna get a drink?" he asked hopeful as they walked outside.

"Um," she said awkwardly as she felt her cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. "You know what, I would. But I'm exhausted. I really need to just go crash. Can I take a raincheck?"

"Alright," he said as they stood outside by the door. "How about Friday?"

"Uh," she tried to come up with another excuse but Jason was on to her. "I don't..."

"Saturday then. No excuses. I won't bite, it's just me. You know that."

"I...I guess," she breathed out accepting her fate. "Sure, thanks." It wasn't that she didn't like Jason. They'd worked together for years, she just wasn't interested in him.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he leaned in and gave her a quick hug. "Night Clare."

"Night," she yelled as she turned to walk to her car in the cool dark air.

"So you're dating already?" she heard a voice bellow from behind her and she yelped as her entire body jumped and she turned around.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she yelled at James as she put her hand to her heart and tried to catch her breath.

"You won't take my calls, you won't talk to me. I haven't seen you in weeks. I haven't seen my wife in weeks."

"James. I'm not gonna be your wife much longer. You need to stop stalking me at work."

"Stalking?" He asked bewildered. "This is the second time I've showed up here. I think, considering the circumstances, that's pretty good."

"Well what do you want?"

"I just...I don't even know. I want to see you. There isn't any part of you that misses me? That wants to see me?"

"I don't know how to answer that question."

"Because you don't want to admit to yourself that you do."

Clare shook her head. "No. Because I don't know how to say that I'm not the same girl I was before I filed those papers. I miss what we had when we first got married but I don't miss what I left."

"I'm not that person anymore," he pleaded desperately as he walked closer and tried to slide his arms around her waist.

"I've heard that too many times to fall for it again," she answered coldly trying to keep herself together. She didn't want to give him any reason to believe she'd give into him again only to hurt herself in the long-run.

"Clare how can you just walk away from everything we had? We built a life together," he said softly trying to sweet-talk his way into her good graces. He tucked her hair behind her ear and gently ran his fingers down her face. "How can you just forget all that," he whispered as he leaned in closer. He felt his heart racing as he was about to press his lips to hers but she suddenly pulled away from him.

"No!" she yelled and adamantly shook her head. "No. I didn't walk away. I didn't forget it. I tried for so long and it was pointless. You cheated on me, God only knows how many times. Lied to me, subjected me to diseases, made me think I wasn't good enough, forced me to put my dreams of starting a family on the back-burner. You want to know why I left? Why I won't talk to you anymore? Because I'm done talking. You should have listened before I stopped."

Clare went home and broke down the second she closed the door behind her. This wasn't where she saw herself being when they had made their vows, but she knew that with the person he had become, it was the right thing to do. He'd broken her heart so many times over the years, this was finally the homestretch. He wouldn't be able to do that anymore.

***

Paul had been keeping his distance from Clare. Not because he didn't want to see her- the highlights of his evenings were when he stopped in to see Clare. He was traveling a lot and she was working late, and he wanted to give her space to deal with the recent changes in her life. He realized it was a lot to take in and if he smothered her, he would lose her all together. It didn't make matters easier that her ex was his friend and teammate, and he was clearly struggling with their recent separation.

James had gotten better, pulled himself together more as the weeks went on. He knew that James hadn't seen Clare because they were on the road and when they were home he didn't know where she was. When James admitted, though, that he'd broke down and went to wait for Clare at her job again, Paul couldn't help but feel his body tense up. He was proud of Clare for standing her ground as he listened to James rattle on about her rejecting him.

The one thing that caught his interest was the fact that James had blurted out the fact that Clare was having drinks with her co-worker over the weekend-- the co-worker that made it clear, at least to James, that he wanted to pursue her. And that bothered him way more than it should have. As soon as he heard that tidbit of information he stopped listening to James and didn't really hear anything else he said. All Paul could think about was the fact that he was jealous, as much as he didn't want to admit it.