A Lifelong Promise

When Clare woke up and felt herself smashed into a warm, hard body she felt her cheeks curl up into a grin thinking she was next to James. It was just a flash, just one second where she forgot who she was tangled up with, because she hadn't woken up next to anyone aside from James for as long as she could remember. When she fluttered her eyes open and realized she was pressed against Paul, and that his arms were the ones wrapped around her she felt her heart start to pound and her eyeballs pop wide open.

She tried to shimmy out of his grasp and crawl off the couch without him noticing but the second she rolled onto the floor she heard him stir from his slumber.

"Morning," he said with a groggy voice as he looked at her with a smile. He hadn't yet moved but it was clear he slept very well.

"Morning," she said back embarrassed with her cheeks turning a shade of pink.

"You okay?" he asked as he looked at her standing in front of him and saw the way her face was flushed.

"Yeah," she immediately answered with a quick nod trying to play off the inner-turmoil she felt. "I'm, I, uh, I guess we kinda passed out last night."

"I didn't mean to," he said quickly as he popped up and sat with his feet on the floor. "I hope you're not..." he tried to find the words to say whatever he was trying to say but nerves set in and all he managed to do was sound like a blubbering idiot. Before he could continue to put together half-sentences, Clare looked at him and gave a little smile. "It's okay, really," she said this time more at ease. "It was kinda nice to wake up next to someone."

Paul met her gaze from his seat on the couch and felt his cheeks turn up into a grin. "Yeah. It kinda was."

They stayed like that for a few seconds, eyes locked, cheeks curled up in complacent, yet knowing smiles until Clare swallowed and shook herself out of their little moment. "I, uh, I have to get ready for work. I gotta get in the shower and everything so..."

"Yeah," he said as he stood up and rubbed his hand through his hair. "I have practice and all that. Game night and all..." he looked down at the floor before looking back up at her. "Come."

She tilted her head and looked at him uncomfortably and before she had the opportunity to shoot him down, he realized what he just asked her. "Forget I even said that," he said as he shook his head and let out a nervous laugh. "That's....yeah, I don't know why I said that."

"It's alright," there was no animosity in her voice as she answered him. She was always gracious- it was something he couldn't help but notice even in her interactions with her husband.

Her husband.

Shit. It wasn't as if Paul was ignorant to it, but there were times, like now, that he let it slip his mind that her ex really was that close to him. He was going to see him and would have to keep on keeping on when it came to hiding things from James. Not only had he been helping his estranged wife in the divorce process, visiting her almost any chance he could, but now he'd gone and slept next to her in her new place. There wasn't any funny business going on between them, at least physically, but it was enough to get himself beat to a pulp if his buddy found out.

Paul swallowed as the realizations of the situation he was wrapped up in hit him harder. He walked to Clare and gave her a hug, unable to help noticing the fact that even after a night's sleep her hair smelled like a sweet, cool summer's eve, and pulled away to walk to her door. "I'll see you later," he said as he opened it. "Have a good day at work."

"Thanks," she said sweetly as she followed behind him to lock up when he left. "You have a good game tonight.

"I always try to," he said as he turned to walk in the hallway.

"Hey," she called quietly and he instantly turned back around.

"What's up?"

"I, uh," she started but quickly looked down at the ground as she swallowed. "It's stupid really," she said as she looked back up at him. She let out a deep breath before continuing. "As you know I have this...thing... for work next week. It's this gala, fundraiser thing, black-tie event and I was supposed to go with James this year but as you know, it's been well over a month since I left and that means I don't have someone to go with..."

Paul's lips curled up into a smile as he realized where she was going with this.

"And I would really rather not be alone with Jason trying to impregnate me all night since you seem to believe he thinks the drinks outing he cornered me into this weekend is a date, so, I know you don't have a game and if you wanted to go with me, I'd like the company."

Paul looked at her and took in how cute it was that she was so nervous and frazzled. He leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. "Of course I will," he said quietly with a smile and she shot one back when she heard his answer. "See you later." He walked down the hallway to the elevator and as soon as the doors closed he put his hand over his heart, threw his head back against wall and let out a deep sigh. He knew he was in deep trouble.

***

Clare wanted to get out a work earlier than she had been but with the gala in a little over a week and everything that she needed to get done before then, she found herself lost in her job-- which usually was no problem with her. It was a welcomed distraction since she left James and it did the one thing nothing else could do- keep her mind off of him.

She checked the time on her phone when she walked out the doors and rushed to her car. She had hoped to get out a little earlier but this wasn't bad either. The game should have ended about twenty minutes earlier and she knew she had plenty of time considering the boys and their post-game rituals.

Clare pulled in the driveway of the dark house after driving for almost a half hour and sat in the car for a minute catching her composure. She felt her heart pounding and her hands shaking slightly as she opened the door and got out of the car. She walked up to the front door of the only house she'd known as 'home' since she moved to Pittsburgh and took in a deep, calming breath as she turned the key in the lock.

When Clare walked inside the house she tried to keep herself focused on why she was actually there. The house was dark, as she expected it would be, and she turned on the switch in the living room as she made her way into the kitchen. She couldn't help looking around at the place she'd built a life with James and tried not to unravel inside it. She went to the drawer in the kitchen where she knew James tucked important pieces of paper in. She never understood why certain things; special documents went in a kitchen drawer but over the years she'd succumbed to his silly little quirk and did it too. She knew she had to move quick and as she rummaged through the drawer she found what she was on a mission for.

Clare pulled out the manilla envelope and brought it into the living room hallway, to the table she used to place her flowers on, and pulled out the divorce papers. She turned the pages until she got to where James needed give his signature only to find that the line was blank.

She jumped and let out a loud gasp as the hallway light up the stairs turned on and she simultaneously heard James' voice bellow from the top of the stairs as he looked down at her. "They aren't signed."

Clare looked up at him and fought like hell to catch her breath. "What are you doing here? Didn't you have a game?"

"Yeah," he nodded as he walked down the stairs to her. "We had a game. It ended. I came home and went to bed."

"You...you can right home after a game and went straight to sleep?" she asked him cynically as she looked him up and down. He was in pajamas which helped validate his story but she couldn't wrap her mind around him actually doing that rather than go out with the guys.

"Yeah," he said again more quietly. "When your wife leaves you, you tend to re-evaluate your life," he said shooting her an obvious little dig.

"I used to beg you to come home with me and you acted like your world would end if you had to come home with me instead of going out with the guys to drink and do whatever it was you really did when you weren't with me."

"And I haven't gone out with them in over a month," he said referring to their break-up.

"Why now?" she asked as she dropped her head and let out a deep breath. "Why do you do this now?"

"Can we talk?" he asked sincerely as he gently took her hand in his. He looked at her pleading for her to give him a chance. "I've seen you twice since you left. Twice. Not once have you let me tell you what happened."

"I don't need to hear what happened-- I saw it firsthand," she shot back bitterly trying to hold her own against him.

"Okay," he said as he dropped his head. "I wanna be honest with you."

"You had your--" she started but he put his hands up and interrupted her. "I know," he said calmly. "I know. But regardless...you need to hear it and I need to say it. Please," he coaxed her again as he led her over to the couch.

Clare sat on the opposite side of the couch, as far away from him as she could, and kept her gaze down at her hands which were perched on her lap. She knew that she'd turn to mush if she looked into his eyes.

As if he could read her mind, he asked her to look at him. She took in a deep breath and pursed her lips in annoyance as she finally gave in.

James could see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes as he began to speak. "Well, how are you?" he asked nervously trying to break the ice with small chit-chat.

"I'm...I'm okay, but let's get to the point here."

"Fine," he said as he let out a deep puff of air. "You asked me multiple times if I had cheated on you and each time I told you that I hadn't."

She nodded her head and felt her stomach churning as she knew where this was going.

"Truth is I was too afraid to tell you. Too ashamed."

"I asked you though," Clare said desperate. "I gave you so many chances to come clean."

"And if I had," he said in the softest of tones. "Would you have stayed?"

Clare paused for a second and saw his point. "No."

"I know that," he nodded. "The first time I cheated on you I felt so guilty I threw up."

Clare squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head away but listened to him continue nonetheless.

"The real reason I pulled away from you was because it was easier for me to continue lying to myself, numb myself from the guilt I had each time I did it. I wasn't happy with myself Clare. I changed-- lost myself along the way somehow. It doesn't excuse what I did and I meant it that night we went to the club after the game and I apologized to you. I meant it, but only halfway at that point. See," he winced as he turned away quickly and forced out what he was about to say. "That bartender you got all pissy about...I did sleep with her. Just once."

When Clare heard this she shook her head and popped up off the couch, tears streaming down her face as she began to head towards the door. James immediately jumped up and grabbed her. "Please, please sit back down."

"No," she shook her head. "I hate you," she said as her voice cracked and she fought back sobs.

"Please just let me finish," he begged as he gently pushed her back down on the couch.

Clare didn't say anything as she crossed her arms over her chest and sat there waiting to hear whatever he needed to get off his.

"It became real to me that night when I saw how upset you were and I felt like such a dick. If I could have gone back in time and changed everything I'd done, I would have done it in a second. It was like everything I'd been pretending I didn't feel came rushing in and made me realize what I was doing to you. And it hurt. But I didn't really get to where I needed to be, I didn't really take the responsibility I needed to take until I walked in that door and found those papers. I had been behaving myself before you came to, uh, visit me- for the most part. And it was a one-time lapse in judgment but that doesn't really matter to you and I know that. I don't know how to prove to you that I'm not that person anymore- I'm the guy you married, the guy who would rather take a bullet than hurt you. I lost myself along the way, like I said. But I'm back now."

Clare didn't hide the tears streaming down her face as she listened to every word he said. He was tearing her up inside. "You know part of me wants to believe you. Part of me wants to really trust you, but the other part of me has seen enough to know it's bullshit. People change and I don't think you can just flip a switch and change back. How could it ever work, how could we ever be married and how could I ever trust you wouldn't do that again? How?"

"It's not easy and I know that," he said softly. "Clare look at this place. Look around you. It's not a home without you. I've been giving you your space, I've barely seen you. I don't even know where the hell you live now and I hate every second of every day I'm in this house without you. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do whatever I need to. I'll go to counseling, I'll retire if that's what it takes." James leaned in closer to her and continued to bear his soul. "I've made mistakes, Lord knows I have, but I love you," he whispered. Clare turned and looked at him and he slowly leaned in closer brushing his nose against hers. "I miss you," he breathed out as he very carefully moved in and pressed his lips against hers.

In a moment of weakness Clare slowly gave in and kissed him back. He lifted his hand up and slid it against her cheek, looping his thumb around her ear and his other four fingers under her hair at the nape of her neck. James pushed the envelope as he pushed her back against the arm of the couch and gently crawled in between her legs putting his weight on top of her. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, how much he missed her, and he knew her better than anyone. He knew what got her off and what made her feel good. He kissed down her neck and fiercely grinded against her as he slid his hand down her neck, chest and waist until he got to the button of her black work pants and went to undo it. As he began to pull her pants off and clumsily kick off his own in the sprawls of passion, he kissed her again and brought his lips to her ear. "I love you. I love you Clare."

He looped his fingers in the thin strap of her thong and pulled it down, exposing her entire lower half to him. His cock was dripping wet and painfully hard as he relished in the thought of making love to his wife. He quickly pushed inside her and released a relieved moan as he did so, unable to wait another second to feel her around him. She was wet and gasping beneath him as he repeatedly thrust in and out of her. He kissed her as they made love, he looked in her eyes and told her how sorry he was, how much he loved her, and as he felt her come all over him, heard her cry out impaled on his cock, he let himself go and came inside her.

He kissed her once more on the lips as he pulled out of her and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. When he came out he found Clare fully dressed sitting on the couch with a look of what he determined to be guilt on her face. She stared off at the wall and he saw the tears falling from her cheeks again down onto the floor.

"Clare?" he gently called her as he went to sit down next to her.

She turned to look at him and tried to speak, her lips quivering. "I... I can't believe that just happened."

"It was good," he flashed her a crooked smile.

"It wasn't supposed to happen. It was a mistake. A relapse. Me being too stupid to turn you down."

James felt his heart jump into his throat as he heard her speak. "It wasn't a mistake. You love me. I love you- we're married."

"No," she shook her head slowly. "Sign the papers."

"What?" he looked at her bewildered. "You're serious? You still wanna go through with this?"

"What you think because you manipulated me into sleeping with you that it means the divorce is off? That I forgive you for everything you've put me through? I'm a terrible person... I'm a terrible person... and this won't happen again."

"Well I'm not signing the papers. I'm not giving up yet. It's not over. It clearly isn't over. C'mon Clare," he said with his voice raised a little more as his frustration shined through. "You used to fight for us and we're at a crossroads now. And what are you gonna do? Are you gonna run away or are you gonna fight for us? Huh?"

Clare pushed him away from her and he could tell by the look on her face she was disgusted with herself. "I fought for us. I did. And while I was fighting you were fucking anything that walked on by." Her voice was calm, she wasn't yelling at him, but he could see it was going to be a battle to win her back. "Sign the papers. Don't call me until you do," she said sternly as she walked to the front door and let herself out. James stood there in shock as he watched her leave. He'd experienced the highest of highs only to be left in the lowest of lows. After a few minutes of standing there with his heart on the floor, he turned and grabbed the vase off the coffee table and threw it as hard as he could against the wall, watching it smash into a million little pieces.