A Lifelong Promise

Paul felt his heart pounding against his ribcage as he looked down at Clare waiting for her to speak. He could see the wheels turning in her head as she absorbed what he was really asking her. When it felt like he was about to explode she finally cocked her head and began to speak. "I...I think I can. I've just been there, and I don't want to make anymore mistakes. Not that I think you are one," she said gently as she reached up and rested her hand on his soft cheek. "I love you," she said as she looked seriously into his eyes. "I just don't want to go through what I went through a few years down the road and waste my life falling for the wrong things."

Paul knew it wasn't her intention to hurt him but he couldn't deny the fact that he did feel slighted. "I understand why you might be hesitant," he said as he swallowed and looked down at her. "And I know you took an emotional beating with James, I know that. He put you through the wringer. We waited a few months before we got together but there wasn't a huge gap for you to get over the marriage you were in- and he broke you. I know he did. But you can't punish me for his mistakes Clare-"

"You do the same thing that he does. Don't you get that? Don't you see why I might be even the slightest bit afraid? You have so much of an opportunity to cheat, more than regular guys, and I really do love you but I don't want to go through that again. I don't think I could- not with you. Everything was fine with us... and then your past shows up at your door- and I'm okay with that. I really am. But it's a reminder of why I left my old life in the first place."

"Don't you get it?" he asked as he looked down at her bewildered with his heart in his throat. "I've had a great life, successful career, and done things I could only dream of growing up. I worked hard to get where I'm at, have a comfortable life. But I haven't had a reason to want to come home so bad since I fell for you. I went out a lot when I was younger... but I was always looking for a reason to come home. I never had that with Jess and I don't wanna lose that now. I don't think I could handle losing you." His heart was on his sleeve and his stomach was churning but this was a discussion they needed to have, it was one they'd been avoiding. She was the only person who saw this vulnerable side of him, no one else had coaxed it out of him before. He knew that she loved him- he'd never doubted anything she'd ever told him before. She wasn't a liar, it just wasn't in her character, but he knew he'd be left to fight the demons left behind by his teammate. All he could do was be honest with her in return and hope she knew him enough to trust what he promised her.

Clare curled her lips in and looked away from him as she took a step back. As she turned around he could see her wiping her eyes and he knew she was crying. He wanted to comfort her but he wasn't sure she wanted him to in that moment. "I know you're going to hate me for saying this again," she said with a shaky voice as she slowly turned around to face him. But what if that wears off- how do you know-"

"Are you going to compare me to him forever?" Paul finally erupted as he cut her off. He understood how big a number James did on her but he couldn't handle thinking that she'd never really get past it. "I'm not him. I don't know how else to prove that to you. I don't wanna look at you everyday and be so fucking thankful that you're the girl sitting next to me and have you look at me thinking I'm second place to the fuck up you divorced. You're first in my life in so many ways Clare....I don't want to come second in yours."

Clare began to shake her head as she looked at him longingly. Her eyes betrayed her heart as all her emotions were plastered on her face. "It's not that-"

"Then what is it?" he cut her off again feeling himself losing it altogether. He was hurting pretty bad and the best way for him to express it was through his anger regardless of how wrong it might have been. "He fucks you over, hates the fact that we're together and schemes to get my ex here and all of a sudden you're backing away? You've fallen right into his hands then because that's exactly what he wanted."

Clare put her hands up and covered her face trying to mask her sobs. She hated crying, especially in front of people, but she hated the way she was making Paul feel. She was conflicted in so many ways and she knew that part of her was wrong but she didn't know what to do. "Would you just give me time to think?"

"Think?" he asked as he froze in place and looked up at her alarmed. "What, so you're breaking up with me?"

"No!" she blurted out and her eyes popped open when she heard how he interpreted her request.

"You know what..." he said as he dropped his head and tightened his jaw. "Whatever," he sighed, feeling completely defeated.

"No," she immediately let out in hopes that he would talk to her and not shut down the way he was- though she wasn't sure if she already had. "What-- talk to me. I told you the truth about how I feel--"

"I've told you the truth from day one Clare!" he yelled to disguise the pain he was feeling. "I've given up friends for you, took a beating in my reputation for you. Risked being the distraction to my team for you and at the end of the day, when the rest of the guys get dressed after the game they go out and see their girls. I leave by myself. I look up and you aren't there. And that's okay because I understand why it's that way, it stings but I would never hold it against you because it has to be that way. But you can't even tell me that you trust me enough not to lump me in with the mistakes he has made. You can't even look me in the eyes and tell me that I wouldn't subconsciously come second to him. You're right Clare, maybe we both need to think." He went to brush by her and when he did he felt his stomach tightening. He was afraid he'd vomit right there on her floor but he kept it together and made one foot into the hallway before he felt her hands on his bicep.

As he was about to close the door behind him she grabbed his muscular arm and tried to pull him back to her. Wait," she pleaded as he turned, only this time he wasn't having any of it. As much as he wanted to melt into her, he was too damn hurt to listen to anything she had to say right now. "No," he said somberly and shook his head. "Good night Clare."

When the door closed behind him Clare fell to the ground and sobbed into her knees with her back pressed against the door he just exited. They'd officially had their first fight and Clare was left there to wonder if there'd be the chance to ever have more.

Paul ran his hand through his hair and gave it a tug out of frustration as he made his way back up to his place. He'd never had a disagreement with her before and now it was unbearable to know she was sleeping in the same building as him with things so uncertain between them. He wasn't sure where he stood with her and even thinking of the possibility of losing her made him feel worse than he'd ever felt before. His emotions were running high, as he was sure hers were too, and what started off as a great night quickly became a clusterfuck of confusion. He'd never fought with Clare before and he was quickly realizing he didn't really like it all that much-- he couldn't handle it. He tried to sleep in his bed that still smelled like her but he didn't get any rest. He tossed and turned, his stomach tightened so badly he thought it would come up through his throat, but he didn't succeed at the one thing he probably needed most, and that was sleeping.

***

The next morning when Paul got to the rink he promised himself that he wouldn't make a scene or act any differently to let James know that he'd gotten the best of him or Clare. He didn't want him to know that he had any impact on his relationship with Clare or give him the satisfaction of knowing that he'd succeeded at his goal. The funny thing was, the second he laid eyes on James, something inside of him snapped. He was able to contain himself at that point and keep his eyes off James for fear that he'd kill him, but when they hit the ice for scrimmages Paul felt himself losing control of his own body. When the opportunity presented itself Paul checked James a little harder than would be appropriate in an actual game, and James wasted no time going back at him. Before they knew it their gloves were on the ice and they were going at each other throwing punches.

It took about three seconds for the rest of the guys to step in and pull the former friends away from each other, and as they struggled to catch their breath in the grasp of their teammates, it was Paul who spoke first. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Me?" James blurted out. "I'm not the one attacking you. You started that all on your own- kind of like your affair with my wife."

Paul went to lunge at him again but was restrained too well to be able to budge. "There was no affair you stupid asshole! I can't believe you had the nerve to call my ex-girlfriend in hopes of breaking us up. Who does that?"

"Who dates their teammates wife?" James immediately responded. Neither man had any concern or filter at that moment. The promise they'd made to keep their issues out of the locker room was breaking more with each sentence.

"You deserve what you get. I felt sorry for you for about a second and now I don't give a shit what happens to you," Paul spat out as his nostrils flared and his heart pounded. He wanted nothing more than to beat James into the ice for everything- from the way he treated Clare while they were married, to the way he broke her ability to truly trust anyone, to the way he brought Paul's past right back to him-- but he didn't. He remembered Crosby's words as they echoed through his brain- you're going to have to make the tougher decisions.

"How's it feel to lose her?" James asked condescendingly causing Paul to look up at him with wide eyes. Paul bit his lip, tightened his jaw and shook his head as he ripped himself away from the teammates who were restraining him and stormed off the ice trying to catch his breath. As Paul ripped his pads off and sat down to take his skates off he saw someone enter the room out of his peripheral vision.

"Well so much for keeping it out of this building," he heard as he looked up and met eyes with Sid.

Paul wasn't in the mood to have this discussion. They only kind of response he could give was a grunt accompanied by an evil glare.

"What happened?" Sid asked as he sat down next to him. "Whatever it is has you on a rampage. What'd he do?"

Paul sat still for a second and inhaled deeply before getting it all off his chest. "I went home last night and everything was perfect. Clare was sleeping in my bed waiting for me and I curl in next to her and we just fall asleep. You know? I missed her while we were away and I'm finally with her and everything is as it should be and then my doorbell goes off. And it's pretty late at this point. I'm thinking maybe it's him, ya know? Who else would it be? But no. I open the door and Jessica is standing there with a suitcase." Paul looked to see Crosby's reaction and when his eyes widened he knew he wasn't the only one amazed at how fucked up this story was. "Apparently James called her up, told her I'd changed and that she should come out and give it another try with me."

"No fucking way," Sid breathed out in disbelief. "He did that?"

"Oh he did that alright. Clare came out to check on me and it just got super awkward. She went back to her place so I could talk it out with Jess, tell her to leave, and when I ran down to her place she was freaked out-- totally freaked out man. She," Paul sighed again as he ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know. I don't know if she'll ever really trust me because of him."

Sid sat in silence for a few moments and bobbed his head. "Yeah I hear ya. I've been there. It's hard."

"I don't know what to do. We, uh, we had our first real couple fight last night. I mean I've known this girl for a long time- we've been friends for a long time. We aren't exactly like every other new couple out there, because we kinda of aren't. You know? We know each other. It hurts man, it fuckin hurts she doesn't trust me completely."

"You had a fight? A legit, no holds bar fight?"

"Yeah," Paul said with regret lacing his tone of voice.

"Well now you'll see where you stand."

When Paul looked at him confused Sid kept going. "Every fight is a test man, and if she loves you, it'll work out. But you made the choice to go into this relationship with her, you fell for her long before you were even together knowing who she was married to."

"I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about her or this fight. What if she can't ever trust me the way I need her to?"

***

Paul went home and had to restrain himself from going down to Clare's apartment. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to see her face, but he didn't think he was wrong in how he felt. He wanted to give her space and use it for himself as well. He almost broke down and went to her anyway, but he knew neither of them were ready. He lounged in his apartment miserable all night and wished she'd knock on his door but it never came.

Going through game-day was rough for him knowing the last time he'd spoken to his girl they'd had a huge fight-- a fight that had the potential to seriously ruin, if not end, their relationship. He didn't talk to anyone and thankfully no one bothered him about the episode between him and James that had occurred the day before. He didn't look at James out of anger and pure disgust, and when the time came to step out on the ice for warm-ups he tried to push everything out of his mind and focus on the one thing that always set him free.

"How are you?" Sid asked in passing as they went back to the locker room to get ready before going back out for the national anthem for the start of the game.

Paul just shook his head and kept his eyes on the stick he was examining.

"Have you talked to her?"

Paul again opted for silence and continued to shake his head. He didn't want to talk about it and he didn't want to think about it as much as possible. He didn't want this to be a distraction to him, and he didn't want to be a distraction to his teammates. His hurting heart had nothing to do with anyone in the room, well, mostly, and he wasn't about to be that guy- the one who couldn't do his job due to personal issues. He was ready to skate onto the ice when they were announced into the packed arena and take his spot on the bench for the start of the game. Right before the anthem was about to be sung, Sid gave Paul a little nudge before skating out back onto the ice. "Do me a favor, just look up that way real quick," he said as he nodded nonchalantly to Paul's right up somewhere in the crowd.

Paul immediately turned his head to see what Sid had him looking for and it only took a few seconds until his eyes fell onto Clare. His breath hitched in his throat as he looked at her for a moment and she looked back at him with a slightly nervous smile. He turned his attention back to the ice and as the anthem blasted through the arena he closed his eyes and smiled to himself, feeling his shoulders drop and muscles relax for the first time in days.

The game went by in a blur-- all Paul could remember was that they won. He couldn't tell you how, but he knew they did. While buttoning his shirt and putting on his tie all he could think about was Clare's face looking down at him. He gave Sid an appreciative smile as he walked out the door and felt the butterflies in his stomach as he instinctively looked to see if Clare was there waiting for him. When he saw her he almost fell backwards due to disbelief. She quickly walked over to him and slid her arms under his suit jacket and around to his back. "I'm sorry," she breathed out sincerely into his ear. "I'm so sorry."

Paul closed his eyes and swallowed as he let out a deep breath. He pulled her into him tighter and hugged her for a few seconds before pulling back just enough to look her in the eyes. "Me too."

She beamed as she looked up at him and made him feel like a million bucks. He cradled her head as he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, taking in how good it felt. Clare nuzzled into the crook of his neck and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek. "You're not second," she whispered before pulling back to look him in the eyes. "Not even a little," she reaffirmed with the shaking of her head.

Paul smiled down at her before spinning away so they could walk side-by-side. He took her hand in his before releasing it to slide his arm around her waist. "Ready to go home?"

Clare nodded with a smile and melted into him, "Yeah."

Paul turned and quickly kissed the side of her head as he began to lead her out of the arena. He was still absorbing what Clare had done for him. She went out on a limb to show him how much she loved him and it floored him. He knew it couldn't have been easy for her, but she did it anyway for him, and the love he had for her-- the happiness that shone through as he walked out proudly with her was something that couldn't be shaken. Not even by James who watched in horror.