A Lifelong Promise

Clare didn't know what to say as she looked at her distraught estranged husband. He was totally broken as he stood there in front of her pleading for her to go with him and help him get through the funeral. She knew the trouble it could cause and before she said anything she quickly glanced back at Paul who gave a begrudging yet supportive nod. "Okay," she whispered as she turned back and faced James. She could see the relief immediately spread over his face as he pulled her into him. "Thank you," he breathed out as he squeezed her tight. "I'll go book the flights and everything. We're going to have to leave tomorrow. We'll only be gone three days, you'll be home on the fourth one - and I'll make sure we get an early flight back too."

Clare pulled back and gave him a nod. "Okay," she said again as she looked at him with a heavy heart. She reached out and grabbed his hand into hers as she gave it a soft squeeze. "It's gonna be alright James. I know this is hard for you, he was a great man."

James nodded and began to unravel at not only her touch, but her words as well. "He always supported me, wanted me to become something great- and not professionally- he wanted me to be a great man, a stand-up, man of conviction....and look how I turned out instead," James said as wiped at his eyes.

"James," Clare breathed out shaking her head at the words coming out of his mouth. "You're a good man," she said sincerely as she looked up into his eyes and rested her hand on his cheek. "Go home and get some sleep. Please," she begged. "Try and rest, we're gonna have a long few days ahead of us."

He leaned into her hand and closed his eyes at her touch. "Alright," James nodded. "I'll send you copies of the confirmation emails so keep your phone close."

"I will," she promised. "Look, if you need anything tonight..."

James stopped her before she could keep going. "What I need I lost long ago," he forced out with a pained smile. He looked over Clare's shoulder to the visibly uncomfortable, yet patient, Paul and shook his head. "I'll let you be."

"Are you sure you'll be okay tonight?" Clare asked seriously concerned at how scattered and broken up he was.

"No," he answered honestly. "But I'll see you in the morning."

"Alright," she said as she pursed her lips and nodded her head. "Get some sleep."

James didn't say anything as he walked out the door, he just looked at her with appreciation and heartbreak plastered on his face as he closed it behind him.

Clare stood there looking at the door he just exited for a few seconds feeling totally caught off guard. When she was finally able to move she spun around to see Paul had already made his way over to her and was in the process of sliding his arms around her waist when she broke down into heaping sobs.

"Are you okay?" He asked genuinely concerned for her well-being.

"I don't know," she shook her head as she cried harder into Paul's shoulder. "I knew his grandfather, obviously, and he was such a sweet, gentle man. So kind. I really loved him. And as much as I hate James for what he did to me it kills me to see him so devastated- they were really close. I know he's going to have a really hard time coping."

Paul delicately rubbed his hands protectively up and down her back as he let her cry into him. He kissed the side of her head and swallowed as he thought about what the next few days were going to do to him internally. He stayed out of the way like a gentleman as James stood there with his heart on his sleeve, devastated over the loss of his grandfather, and begged Clare to accompany him back home to the funeral. Paul felt the daggers in his stomach as he realized that he needed to let her go and pretend it didn't bother him. He kept quiet and put up zero fight as he watched Clare comfort James, touch him, hug him, look at him with that angelic look on her face. He said nothing as he watched it all unfold from his own apartment - a moment that felt like a personal one he had no business witnessing between a husband and wife.

Now Clare was falling apart in his arms, and though he knew the circumstances justified the behavior, he couldn't deny feeling the pangs of jealousy he felt. "You're going with him," he muttered out in as nonchalant a way as possible.

Clare pulled back and looked up at him with her swollen eyes. "Yeah," she sniffled as she gave a nod. "You nodded at me, you said it was alright. I looked at you--"

"I know," Paul hushed her quick defense. He knew she was right, he did give his consent though he hated doing it. "I'm really sorry for your loss-- and his," Paul said quietly, offering his support once again. "I don't want you to go," he breathed out honestly. "But I know you need to."

"What was I supposed to do? I was stuck between a rock and a hard place."

"I know, it just doesn't make it any easier to let you walk away from me for days with your ex husband. I feel like such a jerk admitting it."

"You don't need to admit it for me to know how you feel," she said with a slight smile. "I already know and I think it'd be weird if you didn't feel that way. I know I would. This isn't going to be fun- this isn't some romantic rendezvous, I just need to be there for him and his family and make it through the viewing and funeral. After that I'll be back with you and- you heard him- he'll sign the papers."

Paul swallowed and he nodded his head yet again. "I know." He wanted to say how much he didn't trust James, despite what he knew he was dealing with. Maybe, what he really meant but didn't want to admit was James was in a vulnerable spot and he didn't trust the affect he had on Clare. He'd already seen her backslide once when it came to James, seen how easily she gave into him, he couldn't bare the thought of it happening again, especially since she'd be trying to cheer him up. He trusted her but he didn't know if he trusted the situation. "You need to go, and I'm okay with that. I want you to do what you have to do," he lied as he pushed her hair back and wiped her tears away.

She gave as best a smile as she could as she reached up and held his face in her hands. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Paul paused for a moment and looked away as he released his breath. "I don't know," he answered softly.

Clare reached up and kissed him in attempt to reassure him of her feelings for him. "I have to go pack and I hope you'll come with me back to my place."

Paul swallowed and gave the faintest of smiles. "Where else would I be?"

Clare's face wrinkled as she looked up at him adoringly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and felt her body relax as she let herself go in Paul. She breathed him in and felt the butterflies erupt in her stomach as he sweetly caressed her back and held her tenderly close to him. "Come on," he whispered as he pulled away and swallowed back all his emotions. "We gotta get you packed," he said as he grabbed her hand and began to lead her down to her apartment.

There wasn't much that needed to be said the rest of the night. Silence was comforting as they somberly packed Clare's suitcase together and fell asleep beside each other due to exhaustion. Clare slept buried under the covers and securely wrapped up in Paul, but he was too unsettled to sleep. He laid beside her sleeping form and ran his fingers through her hair, alternated from fixating his gaze on her and the ceiling, feeling the pit in his stomach growing as each hour passed.

When James came by the following morning to scoop up Clare, Paul handed her the bags she was going to be taking with her and pulled her away for one last private moment. "Don't go," he whispered with an accompanying swallow as he pressed the bridge of his nose against hers.

She caressed his cheek and nuzzled her nose against his, "It's too late to turn back now."

"I know," he said in a barely audible tone. "I just don't want you to go."

"Usually you're the one leaving and I'm the one left behind. It's not such a good feeling, is it?"

"No," he shook his head. "I know how you feel in more ways than I'd like to right now."

"Don't worry," she said softly. "I'm yours."

"I hope so."

"Stop. You know," she said affirmatively. "I'll be back in a few days."

Paul glanced behind her and flickered his eyes on James before bringing his gaze back to Clare. "I'll be here."

"I love you," she said softly as she pulled away and turned to head towards the door. "I've gotta go."

"I know," he answered miserably as he held her hand and walked her over to the door. "Later man," he nodded to James who did the same. Paul watched in emotional hell as she walked out the door with James and closed it behind her. After a few seconds he turned to make his way into her kitchen, and as he did he heard the doorknob being fussed with. When he looked up he saw Clare burst through the door. "Forgot something," she said frantically as she ran over to him.

"What?" he asked as she jumped in his arms and smashed her lips against his, kissing him passionately and running her hands through his hair to the back of his neck - holding onto him almost afraid to let go. "That," she answered breathlessly as she slowed their kiss to a stop and he placed her back down on her feet.

Paul smiled into her and tucked her hair behind her ear as he breathed her in. "I love you so damn much."

"You better," she flirted as she kissed him one last time before she turned and walked out the door, this time for good.

***

Later in practice Sid made his way over to Paul having a good idea of what was going on with James, though he didn't know Clare had gone home with him. He could tell something was up by the way Paul looked - Sid had looked like that plenty of times in the beginning of his relationship with Hannah, and he knew his friend was hurting.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked as he gave him a nudge. "You don't look good. Look at you - hair is a mess, face is all white. What's up?"

Paul swallowed and took a few seconds to try and find the words to explain what was going on without making it even more obvious that it was killing him inside. "He went home for the funeral."

"I know."

"And he begged her to go with him. And she did."

Sid gave a slow nod, "I see. Yeah, I understand why that would bother you."

"I don't want to feel this way about it because it's a really shitty situation to begin with. As much as him and I have been at odds the last few months I feel for him - he lost his grandfather, you know? But I love her and thinking of her being away with him for days, being with his family...I can't even sleep man. I can barely function."

"Trust me, I get it. It's ironic when the shoe is on the other foot, huh? The girls worry about what we're doing, who we're with when we travel. Now she's gone and you're the one feeling like you're gonna puke at the thought of who she's with and what she could be doing."

"I don't like it very much."

"I didn't think you did," Sid said with a slight laugh. "But she loves you. Don't jump to any conclusions and do anything stupid. I did that, I made that mistake with Hannah but stopped myself before it could get out of hand - and the worst part was I was the one who drove myself insane. I let my mind run away on me and she didn't even do anything wrong. I could've lost her before I really even had her."

"I know," Paul nodded as he thought back to that time in Sid's life and how crazy he was over Hannah when he was trying to be with her - now that it was Paul who was crazy over his girl, he understood it more. "I can only hope I end up as happy as you are."

"Believe me, I'm rooting for you," Sid gave his vote of confidence and hoped it cheered up his friend.

"I never felt this happy before with or without anyone else, flip side is it hurts that much more too. I can't even think--" he trailed off but Sid stopped him. "Don't even let your mind go there. Everything will be fine Paul."

***

Clare made small talk with James' family when they arrived back home. She did her best to be polite and keep mum on their divorce - until she realized that his family didn't even know they'd separated. Not exploding on James was something she had to remind herself when she figured it out, and under the circumstances it was pretty easy to keep her emotions at bay. Whenever she'd feel the anger and rage start to bubble up she'd look at the pain and sadness splashed across his face and feel compassion for him instead. She sat beside him during the viewing and greeted people she hadn't seen in a long time. She avoided questions about them and their marriage all the while not blurting out the truth, why they hadn't had kids, and how things really were.

As the minster spoke and gave the brief message at the end of the long viewing, Clare felt James slide his hand over to her thigh and interlock his fingers with hers. She felt her heart racing as she nervously looked down to see what he'd done and tried to keep her breathing at bay as she looked at him in shock - he didn't flinch even a little, nor did he take his eyes off the minister as he sat there with his hand in hers, holding onto her for support.

When it was time to leave Clare gracefully said good night to his family and sat in silence in James' car as they drove back to the hotel they opted to stay in. She kept her hands folded tightly on her lap and looked out the passenger window, keeping to herself until they parked and she was able to get out of the car.

"Okay, good night," she said awkwardly without turning to look at him as she headed straight to her room from the lobby. She kicked off her shoes and undid her dress when she heard a knock on her door. Knowing who it was she gulped to herself and zipped her dress back up before she opened the door and poked her head out into the hallway.

"Hey," James said as he stood there in front of her, still in his suit and wearing the same saddened expression he had since he got the news.

"What's up?" she asked as normal as possible knowing full-well he wasn't buying what she was selling.

"Can I please come in for a minute?"

"I guess," she stuttered out as she pushed the door open and let him into her room. She watched as he paced nervously back and forth before she followed him inside the room and sat down on the edge of the bed waiting to see what he had to say.

"Nothing about this has been easy," he blurted out softly. "I don't think you understand how much I appreciate you being here."

"Well I guess considering your family doesn't even know we aren't together anymore, it was the least I could do to not look like the wife who doesn't give a shit," she said with more sting than she would have liked and immediately felt guilty for saying it. "I'm sorry," she said softer. "I didn't mean that - it's been a rough day."

"You'd never be that person and they know that. I will tell them, I will. I'll tell them when this all calms down. I haven't had the nerve to yet."

Clare didn't say anything, she simply nodded her head and looked away. Before she knew it, James had taken a seat next to her on the edge of the bed. When she looked up at him she could see the faint tears in his eyes. "Clare this isn't easy for me. It's really hard to lose someone you love, someone you're close to. Unfortunately, I've lost two of the most important people in my life - both in different ways, one to stupidity, one to death. I keep...I keep going over in my mind how much I had to have let him down. Doing the things I did to you...he wouldn't be proud of that. He wouldn't make any excuses for me. I can't even change it, I can't make amends for it. He was always supporting me when I was growing up and I let him down," James said as he dropped his head and pinched the corners of his eyes trying to make the tears stop.

"Shhh," Clare tried to shush him from being any harder on himself. "You didn't let him down. I don't think he could ever be that disappointed in you."

"He loved you, you know," James interjected. "He told me I'd done right by marrying you."

Clare swallowed a dagger and felt her heart sink. "He was a sweet man."

"He was right."

"You have to stop beating yourself up James. I know it's hard but it'll get easier, life will get back to normal."

"No," he somberly shook his head. "It won't." It was clear he was falling apart at the seams. Clare tilted her head and looked at him with compassion unsure of what to do. She took a deep breath and slowly slid her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug. She felt him rest his head on her shoulder and felt the damp spot on her dress from where his tears leaked through. She rubbed his back with one hand and held the back of his neck with her other as he took comfort in her holding him. As he slowly lifted his head up and got ahold of himself he pulled back painfully slow and looked Clare in the eyes. With his nose so close to hers and his eyes still wet and puffy from the pain he was feeling, he tilted his head and leaned in slowly, pressing his lips to hers.