A Lifelong Promise

Clare felt James' lips on hers for the first time in months. Her breath hitched in her throat, her heart stopped and her stomach churned. She pulled back and found herself looking into her ex-husbands eyes; she could see the pain and exhaustion on his face and when he leaned back into her she didn't have the heart to push him away. He kissed her harder and she reluctantly kissed back unsure of what to do. James wrapped his arms around her, ran his fingers through her hair and took comfort in her as he allowed his body to push hers back on the bed. A fire lit under him and he couldn't stop himself from crawling between her legs and grinding against her panties as her dress rode up revealing more of her to him. He ran his hands on the side of her thighs up to her ass and kissed down the side of her face to her neck where he nibbled at her soft, warm flesh.

James felt his fingers touch her panties under her dress and began to tug to get them off, but as he did he felt Clare squirm beneath him. "Stop," she pleaded before he could go any further.

He tried to muffle her request by kissing her but she shook him off and pushed him back. "James, stop," she begged again and he finally relented as he pulled himself back and rested on his knees. "Why?" he asked panting, hoping she wouldn't turn him down.

Clare immediately sat up and began to readjust her dress, pulling it down to cover as much of herself as she could. "What are you doing?" she asked as she shook her head at him.

James looked down and squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "I....I don't know..."

"You can't do that to me," she said softly. She was mad at him for pushing the boundaries and mad at herself for letting him do it despite her better judgment.

"I thought you wanted it as much as I do," he said softly unable to look at her.

"You didn't give me a chance. I don't know what to do." That was true - she didn't know what to do and she wasn't expecting him to go for broke.

"Because you still have feelings for me," he stated, not questioned.

"It's more complicated than that. I don't want to hurt you anymore than you're hurting right now. You're vulnerable and upset and I'm trying to support you but I can't do that," she said with a swallow as she felt the tears welling in her eyes realizing what had happened. "It's not happening. I love Paul, you know I do. I wanna be there for you...but I won't hurt him."

James scooted off the bed and looked down at the ground uncomfortable. "I don't even know what to say to you."

"I'm sorry..." she breathed out having a difficult time controlling her emotions.

"You love him," James stated sadly as he finally admitted it.

Not wanting to hurt him anymore than she already had, Clare didn't know how to answer aside from a simple, "I really do. I think...I think you should go to your room. I'll see you in the morning."

James couldn't look at her. He nodded his head and felt the pit in his stomach growing as he walked over to the door but he couldn't look at her. "Good night."

When he shut the door behind him Clare collapsed back on her bed and put her hands on her head. She could feel her body still trembling from what had happened and she felt terrible about it. She saw how vulnerable and emotionally raw James was and she didn't have the heart to hurt him further, but now - even though she didn't want James and she stopped it from spiraling out of control - she knew Paul wouldn't be willing to forgive it. She undid her dress, put her pajamas on, and curled up under the covers. She knew coming with James was a mistake, and now that he'd used his vulnerable state to take advantage of their situation, she wished she'd never left Paul home alone to begin with.

***

"I'm going to freak out," Paul confessed to Sid when they arrived at the rink for practice. "I haven't talked to her in two days."

"You didn't talk to her last night?" Sid asked as he glanced at Paul trying to be rational.

"No," Paul shook his head.

"Calm down," Sid instructed. "Wasn't the viewing yesterday? That's like an all day event. She was probably exhausted and fell asleep as soon as she got back to her room."

"She was with his family all day, with him all day."

"You gotta calm down bro."

"Would you be calm? If you were me? Seriously?" Paul asked coming undone.

Sid shook his head and swallowed as he looked at Paul. "Probably not."

Paul took a deep breath in trying to calm his nerves if only a little. "I don't know what to do."

"Look, do you trust her?"

Paul nodded, "Yeah, I trust her."

"Then why are you freaking out?"

"I don't trust him man. I don't." Paul ran his hand through his hair as he stuttered out his confession. "I hate being this person right now. I've barely slept since she left. All I keep thinking about is what could be happening."

"You can't do that man. The 'what if's' will kill you - at the very least drive you insane."

"What if something happens man - what if she goes back home with him and spends all this time with him, his family - what if she realizes she still wants to be with him."

"I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that isn't a possibility, because it is. Do I think it's likely? No. But I've told you time and time again, you know who you fell in love with, what her past was. I think she loves you and I really don't think she would go back to all that...but you chose to be with her knowing it hit close to home."

"I know that, believe me. The thing is...when I kiss her... I don't care."

***

Clare had a hard time sleeping through the night and seriously considered just bailing sometime in the wee hours of the morning, but was too tired to move. She only had to get through one more day - that's what she kept telling herself in order to get the strength to go on. At this point she didn't want to see James, she didn't want to go to the funeral, she just wanted to go home. But she had promised. She reluctantly got dressed and was ready when James knocked on her door, but she couldn't look at him.

"Are we going to talk about this?" he asked after driving in complete awkward silence.

Clare shook her head and looked out the window but didn't say a word.

"Fine." James was angry and Clare knew it but he also had a lot of his plate at the same time. She just had to get through the funeral and she would be one step closer to being home.

She did her duties and sat besides him during it, supported him when he cried and put on a happy face for his family. She wiped her own tears away as she said her good-bye to his grandfather and held James' hand when they walked away from the casket for the last time. She put on a smile at the lunch after it was over, chatted with those who wanted to chat with her, and rubbed James' back gently as he played with the food on his plate, obviously still emotionally distraught.

When they got back in the car Clare breathed a sigh of relief - the hard part was over, now she could focus on going home and trying to explain to Paul how much she loved him and how sorry she was for everything. Only it took her no time at all to realize that James wasn't heading back to their hotel. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see," was the only explanation James offered up. Clare looked around at her surroundings and shook her head in confusion. "James where are we going?" she asked again.

And again she was met with the same response. "You'll see."

They drove by trees and nothing but land until he turned off the road and abruptly stopped the car. "C'mon," he instructed her to get out as he did but she couldn't move. When he opened the trunk she turned around and looked at him through the back windshield. "Come here," he asked, this time more somber, and she felt the lump in her throat as she did so.

When she looked at what he had in the trunk and in his hands she let out a little gasp. "I believe I owe you a picnic," he said softly as he held the blanket in his hands.

"This is where we had our first date," she said with a slight smile and he nodded.

"Yeah, and you wanted to go on a picnic right before...well, before you left. We had a date planned and I forgot it. Remember?"

Clare swallowed and gave a nod. "Yeah, I remember."

"I at least owe you this."

"I don't know..." she said tentatively and was seriously contemplating turning him down.

"Please," he interrupted her. "Just let me do this."

She sighed out closed her eyes. "Why?"

"Because, I told you, I owe you it."

Clare nodded her agreement and followed him into the field until he found the spot he thought was perfect to rest the blanket on. He placed it down and took a seat, waiting for her to do the same. "Do you remember our first date?" he asked as he took a stroll down memory lane. "God I would've gone to the moon and back if it would have put a smile on your face."

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "I remember," she whispered as she finally took a seat next to him, but not too close.

"You really were just everything I'd ever wanted in someone - just so fun and beautiful and genuine. I really don't know how I let myself mess it up."

"It's water under the bridge at this point."

"It's not. We've had some incredible times together. I don't know how you could let it all go."

"Because I can never trust you again," she answered bluntly. "I'm a firm believer you don't cheat on someone you truly love. I wouldn't do that to Paul and I really don't think he'd do it to me."

"Didn't you last night?" James asked, striking her right in the heart. She winced at his words and began to shake her head. "No. Because you emotionally manipulated me. Nothing got out of hand, it wouldn't have."

"And you trust him?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Can I ask you something, and if I ask it, I need a real answer from you," James requested putting Clare's emotions on high alert.

"Okay."

"You're with Paul now and I get that you're happy - he probably doesn't do the dumb shit that I did, and he shouldn't. I know him, I know him pretty damn well, and I know that he's just stupid crazy over you. He loves you. And I know that you fell for him."

"So what's the question?"

"Well, you met his ex. You know his past now. He wasn't perfect, he made mistakes and hurt someone that really cared about him. He does the same thing I do for a living. How come you're so quick to believe that he really could change - that he really does love you...but you can't believe that I could change, that I really love you, when I married you."

Clare looked down at her feet and put her hand to her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a deep breath. "I don't know."

"He made the same type of mistakes Clare - maybe not to you, but he made them. I learned my lesson. If he can straighten up and walk the line, don't you think that maybe there's a chance that I can too?"

Clare didn't want to cry but she couldn't help the tears as the streamed down her cheek. "It's just so complicated."

"How," he asked softly as he took a step closer and wiped away her tears. "Tell me how. Tell me what to do to uncomplicate it."

"James..." she breathed out his name feeling his words tugging at her heartstrings. "You don't understand. I can never look at you the same way I did. I can't ever trust you, I can't ever think you won't be with someone else when you're on the road. I can barely look at you now without picturing you being with other women. Paul..." she trailed off. "He's just, he's the one. The good times we had are in the past. I couldn't be with you and have a happy future."

"And what, it's his now? Or will it be once he finds out what happened between us last night? I'm seriously asking. How can he be with you without picturing you being with me? Without wondering if you compare him to me. He'll always wonder, he'll always have that insecurity because you were mine first. Is it really fair to do that to the guy?"

Clare shook her head and immediately tried to defend Paul, tried to defend their unconventional way of how they fell in love. "He isn't like that. There isn't a reason to be, he knows that I love-"

"C'mon Clare. He's a guy. It's natural," he insisted as he cut her off. "I wouldn't be able to shake it if I were him. And once word gets out, if you two continue on, people will hate him. They'll think he home-wrecked us - that you cheated on me with him, left me for him. They'll judge not only you, but him as well and they'll trade him. Do you really want to subject him to all that? Do you really want to turn him into the bad guy when in reality it's me."

Clare let his words soak in before dropping her head in defeat. The last thing she wanted to do was exactly what James just summed up - the worst part was she knew he was right. "No."

"If you love him as much as I think you do, you'll be fair to him. Don't ruin his career. If you don't want to be with me," James said sadly as he looked down and winced at his own words. "That's...well, I deserve it. But him... he didn't deserve to get dragged into this."

***

When Paul didn't hear from Clare again he knew he had reason to panic. He knew her flight should have landed and he waited for her at her apartment but it was hours later and she never showed. He swallowed the lump in his throat and convinced himself to get off his ass and see for himself if she'd decided to get back with James. If he went there and found her there with him, he knew that she made her choice and that he wasn't it.

He drove there with his heart in his throat the entire time and forced himself to go knock on the door. When James answered Paul reluctantly looked inside the house but saw no trace of Clare. "What do you want?" James asked coldly as Paul continued looking inside the house.

"Is..is she here?" he stammered out not sure if he really wanted to know. He wasn't going to be able to handle it if the answer was yes.

"No," James shook his head and looked completely surprised at Paul's words. "Why would she be?"

"She isn't here?" Paul asked again, this time the shock on his face matching the amount on James.

"No. I figured she was with you," James answered bitterly - as if Paul should have already known. "She left yesterday, didn't fly back with me today. I assumed she went to be with you."