A Lifelong Promise

Paul felt numb as he held Clare close to him as they walked to his car. She was still wiping tears off her face and sniffling back more trying to pretend that she was fine. Each step they took felt like his heart was breaking under him - he realized that despite everything, she still hadn't let it all go.

"I'm so sorry," she cried as she sat in the passenger seat of his car and regained her composure. Paul didn't say anything as he swallowed and put his key in the ignition. "Seeing that, seeing him do that, it was just like seeing him do that every single time he did it during our marriage behind my back."

"Are you gonna be okay?" Paul asked quietly as he rested his hand on her thigh, feeling more unsure of himself with each passing minute.

"I think so," she breathed out. Her eyes were still red and glassy from crying and as she looked away he pulled her into his chest where she took comfort in him. "How could he be so cruel....so damn heartless?"

"I don't know," Paul said as he swallowed again and rubbed her back, giving her any type of support her could.

"It shouldn't bother me," Clare started already knowing what she was admitting to Paul.

"But you still care about him," Paul quickly tacked onto her sentence in the kindest, most understanding way possible.

She shook her head and let out a deep sigh, "I love you." She meant to reassure him of her commitment to him, of her adoration of him, and though he believed her he knew that James would always know how to get to her and it'd never just be the two of them with him lingering in the shadows. Clare had shown Paul she loved him and despite all that; despite how much she put him above James, Paul knew there was more there than he wanted to believe.

"I know you do," he said quietly as he kissed her head. "You have no idea how much I love you," he said with his heart racing and his stomach churning. "I need you to know that your best interest is always in the forefront of my mind."

Clare pulled away and looked in his eyes. "I know that. I always have."

"Okay," he said with a nod as he looked no where in particular, just not at her. "Good." It was obvious there were a lot of things running through his mind as he sat there shaken up. He took her hand in his and held it tenderly the entire drive home. He didn't say much, in fact he was a little stiff, but his touches soothed Clare to her core. "Are you sleeping at my place tonight?" she asked as they rode the elevator up in their building.

He shook his head, "No," he said softly as he looked at her like she was the only girl on the face of the earth.

"You want me to stay with you?" she asked nonchalantly thinking she misinterpreted his intentions.

"No," he said yet again causing Clare to cock her head and look at him confused.

"What's wrong?" she asked genuinely not understanding why he wouldn't want to sleep next to her.

"Nothing," he said as sweet as possible, and in fact that was true - he wasn't angry with her, he never really had it in him to ever be angry with her. "Just go get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Paul," she said longingly as his name escaped from her lips like sweet honey. "Is this about what happened before? Are you mad at me?"

"I'm not," he said again genuinely meaning it. "That's not it. Don't worry." He pulled her into him and held onto her almost as if he was afraid to let her go. "I love you Clare," he said with desperation in his voice as he swallowed and forced himself to pull himself away from her.

She breathed him in and kissed the side of his jaw before he pulled away. "You're sure you're okay?"

Paul tightened his jaw and looked away before letting out a deep breath and swallowing his true feelings away. "Yeah." He looked at her and let down his wall for a brief second showing his vulnerability, "My concern is you, it always has been. Being with you has made me a better person and I want you to know that. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I need you to understand that." He ran his fingers through her hair and looked down intensely into her eyes.

"I know baby," she panted as she pressed against him unsure of why he was saying these things. "Just come inside with me. You're scaring me."

"I can't Clare." It was clear how hard it was for him to turn her down because, honestly, there was no where else in the world he'd rather be.

"Why?" she didn't understand why he was resisting her so adamantly. She grabbed his hand in hers and looked up at him with her big doe eyes as she rested her free hand on his cheek. "Paul if I hurt you at all...I'm sorry. You know I love you, you know how I feel about you."

He nodded delicately, "I know. You've shown me time and time again and it's been the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"So come in," she pleaded with her heart racing a mile a minute. "Just be with me."

Paul wanted to turn her down but he didn't have the strength anymore. "Alright," he nodded as he let her lead him into her apartment and straight to her bedroom where their exhausted and mentally drained bodies hit the mattress.

They made love that night and Paul really took everything about her in - he cherished every touch and kiss and smile she gave him. He held onto her like he would lose her if he didn't and kissed her softly a thousand times before drifting off to sleep. They didn't say much to each other for there was nothing to say. The night had already been stressful and dramatic enough, all they wanted was to be together and in that moment Clare had no idea how much Paul was holding onto that.

The next morning Paul woke before Clare and laid in bed holding onto her for as long as he could. His heart fluttered when she squirmed into him and it took everything inside him to crawl out of that warm bed and put his clothes on. Before he left he leaned down and kissed her on her porcelain cheek. "I love you," he whispered as he nuzzled his nose into her before forcing himself to leave.

***

"Hey baby," Paul greeted her quietly with a hint of sadness in his voice over the phone. "Can I take you for a ride?"

"Sure," she answered more upbeat than him. "What's up? Where are we going?"

"I want to go for a drive maybe get coffee."

"Yeah of course. Where have you been all day? I haven't talked to you at all. Are you sure you're okay?" Something didn't sit right with her - the way Paul was acting was so out of the ordinary it was beginning to make her stomach tighten with worry.

"I had a lot of stuff I needed to take care of," he replied without offering up anymore information. "Be ready in a few minutes okay?"

"Yeah," she barely got out before she realized he'd already hung up the phone. She figured whatever was bothering him would come out eventually and she only hoped that their drive for coffee would entice him to communicate with her. After everything they'd been through together, she couldn't believe he was so distant from her now.

When he opened the door she threw her arms around him. Though he didn't immediately respond, he became undone at her touch. "Why are you pulling away from me?" she asked as she stepped back and looked at him.

"Just come with me," he said completely defeated.

Clare swallowed as she felt the pit in her stomach. "I don't want to."

"Why not?" he asked as he stopped and looked back at her.

"You're going to break up with me," she said nervously. She could sense something was seriously wrong with him - this wasn't how he was with her, ever.

Paul's eyes fell and he let out a painful sigh as he shook his head. "Come with me."

"Answer me," she said more defiantly.

"I'll explain it in the car."

"No, you explain it now. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. If you're going to break up with me then do it here and tell me now."

"Clare!" he yelled with a more elevated tone. "It's more complicated than you think. Please," he pleaded with her with his heart on his sleeve.

She looked away as the tears formed in her eyes and tried to keep herself together. She felt him grab her hand in his and hold it sweetly and without being able to put up a fight she let him lead her down to his car. Neither of them spoke from the moment her door shut behind her until they were on the main road. Paul finally began to fidget as he took a deep breath and prepared to speak. "You remember everything I said to you last night right?"

"Of course I do. I don't understand what's going on," she said unable to feel her body. She felt cold and numb as he continued to speak.

"I need you to remember that. Okay? Last night I realized that it'll never be just us two with him always around every corner. The way you fell apart watching him do what he did..." he turned his head away as he saw the image in his mind. "There's still something there."

"You're telling me how I feel? Because yeah I mean I was upset but no where near as upset as I'd be if I lost you."

"You're not losing me - I'm stepping aside."

"What?" she asked with disbelief. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you're still legally married to him. You obviously have to work out your feelings one way or another and I'm not going to stand in the way of that. We've had a good run and," he sighed out. "God I wouldn't trade it for the world. But what I said was true - your best interest is always my top concern."

"So you're breaking up with me? After everything we've been through, after how I've opened up to you and how much I love you, you're ending it. All the promises we made meant nothing. All the times you told me you'd never give up on me, on us - that there was nothing he could do that would make you give up."

"No, this isn't about what he did. It's about the look on your face when you watched him leave." Paul shook his head as he turned down Clare's old street. When she finally looked up and saw where they were she looked at him wide-eyed, jaw hanging open. "Are you kidding me?"

"You need to figure out where you two stand. Not for me but for yourself."

"I'm sorry... I'm going to throw up," she snickered as she tried to wrap her mind around everything. "How can you do this to me? How can you just give up on me after everything? What changed your mind? You came down to South Carolina for me. I went away with him and nothing happened! After all that you decide that you've had enough and I need to work on my marriage? Who are you to decide that? You more than anyone know the terrible things he did behind my back."

"I'm the guy who watched the girl he loves sob over her husband last night. I can't be with you without you being one hundred percent. I mean...even the funeral. He shows up at my apartment looking for you and you go to mush when you see him crying. I know it was hard and I know you were close with his family, Clare. But...going with him in the first place was huge. Would you have liked it if I left with my ex for days? And I'm not mad, I just can't stand in the way if there is something there. He's never going to just let us be happy and I need you to be mine. He's your husband."

"Ex," she enunciated. "Ex-husband. I'm pretty sure that was made clear by the fact that I filed those papers months ago. I picked you and I wasn't lying when I told you that."

"No Clare. Those papers aren't signed and until they are it's still anyone's game. I called him before and told him what I thought. He wins. I saw the look on your face last night and I realized that no matter what you say, it's not over yet. So I told him that I'll give up and let you go and he can have a real shot at fixing this if that's something you two want. At least talk about it. I already talked to Ray after I spoke with James and I'm getting traded. You can't ever have things normal with either of us if the other is here. You deserve a life, a real life, where you're happy and you don't need to put up this constant battle."

She had tears streaming down her face as she listened to him tell her these horrendous things. "But I'm happy with you," she said as he watched her heart break there in front of him. "I might have been upset last night because I'm human and I have a heart and watching what him do what he did while we were together hurt. But I want you, you're the one I'd fight for. And now...I hate you," she breathed out feeling more betrayed than even at her worst with James.

"That's okay," he nodded as he looked at her trying to hold it together. He knew the only way to get her out of the car was for her to think he didn't care about her as much as he told her he did; he knew she wouldn't leave unless he gave her a reason to really hate him.

"You're really okay with this? Even after last night - we make love and you hold me in your arms and you wake up and do this behind my back." Clare shook her head and tried to accept what she was hearing. "You made all these plans for me without even asking me what I want."

"I think I know you pretty damn well Clare - and I don't know if you even know what you want. Not entirely."

As she turned her head and looked out the window she saw James open the front door of their house and step outside. "You're okay with this? This is what you want?" she asked him again as she turned to look at him. "I just don't understand."

"Yeah," he nodded unconvincingly. "I mean how could it ever really work between us? You belong to someone else." Paul knew he was good at hockey, he had no idea he was this good at acting.

"You really don't want to be with me." He could see the pain he was putting her through - it was plastered on her face - but he felt so strongly like he was doing the right thing, looking out for her. He loved her enough to let her go even if she couldn't see that.

Paul tensed his jaw and looked down at his lap before looking up back at her. "No. I don't want to be with you." And with those words he succeeded at simultaneously telling the only girl he ever loved the biggest lie he'd ever told. He thought he was doing what was best for her even if she couldn't see it.

She put her hands on her stomach and tried to fight back the sobs that were escaping. "Have fun wherever you get traded to. I don't want to see you ever again."

Paul looked at her and held his breath as she got out of the car. When she met James at the front door he pulled away and drove as far as he could before he had to stop the car, get out, and run to the grass to throw up. When he got back behind the wheel he slammed his palms into it as hard as he could before completely breaking down into heaping sobs there on the side of the road.

***

Clare had no choice but to walk up to James and the second she did he slid his arms around her. "I'm happy you're home."

She didn't say anything as she walked inside the doors feeling completely numb to everything around her.

"Clare," James said her name softly. "I probably took it a step too far last night. I didn't think you'd be that hurt."

"Yes you did," she spat. "You wouldn't have made it a point to rub it in my face if you didn't mean to. You knew exactly what you were doing."

"Okay," he admitted. "You're right. But I feel bad about it. It doesn't matter who you leave with if it isn't the one you love."

"You don't leave with other people when you're not with the one you love - or did you forget that's what got you into this mess to begin with. If you loved me you wouldn't have cheated on me frequently...for a long time with a lot of women. That isn't love...and it isn't respect. So save it."

"Clare," he said uncomfortably. "When Paul called me this morning I thought he was playing a sick joke on me. But he's giving us the chance that we need to make this right. You're still my wife and I want to make this work. You know deep down you still love me. That doesn't just go away."

"You know part of me wonders if you really wanted to be with me after I left because you missed me...or if it was because you just couldn't stand to see me happy with someone you know. I'm not sure I even know the answer now."

"You're mad at me and you have every reason to be. I've been awful. I've done some of the worst things you can do to someone and you're the most undeserving person of that kind of treatment."

"Yet," she cut him off. "When I found happiness with the guy I wanted to be with, you somehow managed to ruin that for me."

"I'll make you a deal."

"A deal?"

"Yeah," he nodded as he sat her down on the couch. "Give this a week, a month, something. Give me something where we both try - just a trial period to see if there's anything there, anything worth saving, and if there isn't I'll finally let you go."

Clare pursed her lips and wiped the tears away from her eyes for what felt like the thousandth time. "Fine," she answered without a fight. She didn't have the strength to argue anymore. All she really wanted was to lay down and sleep for about a decade.

"He let you go," James quickly reminded her taking an opportunity to make her turn on him. "Give this a shot. Can you do that?"

Clare nodded her head as she swallowed. What she wanted to tell him was that it didn't matter what happened, she would lose no matter what. She lost the man she loved and she didn't see it coming. Her agreement was a settlement but she wasn't doing it for James - she was doing it for Paul.