A Lifelong Promise

Clare felt James gently caressing her face as he nudged her to wake up. "Morning baby," he said softly as she came to her senses. When her eyes opened she felt totally delirious, like she didn't know where she was, and it took a few seconds for it to come rushing back to her. All that awful stuff that she convinced herself she dreamed all happened and now it was time to start trying to live again.

She didn't do much after she went back inside to James except cry and crawl into bed. She laid under the covers for hours just staring at the wall sobbing before she could fall asleep, and when she did, she didn't wake up once.

"Baby I made you breakfast," he said sweetly as he continued to touch her face and run his fingers through her hair. He knew it was best to give her the space she needed when she got there, and if letting her sleep and catch her composure was what she needed he had no problem obliging.

"Alright," Clare moaned out groggily. "Okay hold on. I'll be up in a second," she sighed out as she completely woke up and pushed the covers off of her.

"I'll meet you downstairs then," James nodded before leaning in to kiss her on the forehead.

Clare sat on the edge of the bed with her feet dangling to the floor as she watching him leave. When the door shut behind him she dropped her head into her hands and let out a deep breath. This wasn't how she envisioned her life and she hated where she was at. She literally forced herself up where she put on her robe, brushed her teeth and made her way downstairs to join James. She took a seat at the table where he had the french toast and eggs on a plate ready for her to eat off. "Thank you," she said quietly as she pushed the food around on her plate.

"You've barely touched it," James sneered after he realized she'd done little more than cut it up and move it around her plate.

"I'm not that hungry right now. I'm trying, alright?" She wasn't yelling at him and she wasn't really mad - she was too tired to fight anymore. Her heart was always on her sleeve and it was never hard to see what her emotions were at any given moment, right now James could see she was heartbroken and exhausted.

"Okay well, that's fine. I understand this is all happening a lot faster than you anticipated." James stood up and brought his plate into the kitchen where he plopped it down into the sink.

Clare forced herself to have a couple more bites of breakfast before she got up and brought her plate into the kitchen. She started the water and began to rinse everything off before putting the dishes in the dishwasher. As she stood up and moved back over to the sink she felt James slide his arms around her waist. "I know this is going to take time but I'm glad you're back."

Clare felt the tears well in her eyes as she breathed in and gave a little nod. James couldn't see the look on her face and it was probably better that he didn't as Clare winced at his touch. It didn't used to be this way - she never hated the feeling of his hands on her, but she did now. This wasn't a decision she came into - she was trapped in a prison of this marriage that wouldn't let her go even though he was the one who destroyed it.

As Clare politely slipped from his grasp she began to make her way back to the stairs. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay, I have the day off today completely so I thought we could kind of spend it together."

Clare nodded again and kept her silence intact as she walked up the stairs and made her way into the shower. All she could think about was Paul while she washed her body and felt the warm water soothe her tense muscles. James had done a lot of abhorrent stuff to her during their marriage, but the way Paul tossed her aside to the lions made her hate him. She loved him more than he knew and now she was consumed with anger, what he'd done was unforgivable and it broke her more than any indiscretion of her husband - he flat out told her he didn't want to be with her, looked her in the eyes and told her he was giving up on her. He blindsided her in every which way imaginable. After things fell apart with James, Paul had been something she hadn't looked for and didn't expect, but she fell so hard for him; trusted him on such an intimate level that when he shattered it, it made something inside her shatter even more.

When she got dressed and did her hair she needed to do anything to keep her mind off of the hell she was trapped in. So she took a look around the house and decided that with James living on his own for a few months it was probably a good idea to give the place a good cleaning. She was in the midst of scrubbing the upstairs hallway floors when she heard his footsteps approaching from behind her. "Babe," he called out. "I know you're mad but at least come talk to me."

"Just let me finish," she pleaded with a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Stop." He squatted down next to her and rested his hand on her back. "You've been at it for an hour now. I want to see you. Last night was the first time we slept under the same roof since you filed for divorce. You're here to make this work, or at least try. So can we?"

Clare swallowed as she begrudgingly nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry. It's just been a rough few days."

"I know," he said as he rubbed her back lightly.

"Alright just let me grab the laundry from the bedroom," she said less guarded as James helped her to her feet.

"Do you have any kind of appetite yet?" he asked as he followed her to the bedroom. "You wanna get lunch from somewhere or order in? Whatever you want," he offered as he watched her walked into their room and grab the hamper. When she stubbed her toe on the post of the bed she jolted and dropped one of James' socks. "Oh my gosh!" she screamed out in annoyed pain.

"You'd think by now you'd be used to it," James said playfully trying to get her soften up. He'd watched her stub her toe a thousand times on that damn post and every time she did it, her reaction made him smile.

"I hate that thing," she said irritated as she shook her head. "I definitely didn't miss that."

"Here," he said still laughing as he walked closer. "Let me take the hamper." He grabbed it as Clare bent down to grab the sock she dropped on the floor. She was about to stand back up when something caught her eye. She cocked her head and reached under the bed where she grabbed whatever it was and pulled it out for a better look. "Oh my God," she sighed out in frustration as she dropped the lime green satin thong that definitely wasn't hers. "Are you serious? You brought them here?" she shook her head in disgust as she threw the sock back in the basket and pushed it hard into James so he kind of stumbled backwards.

"Clare!" he immediately dropped the clothes and chased after her, spinning her around by her arm and pulling her to him. "C'mon."

"Don't c'mon me. This is exactly why I left. Don't you see that?"

"And you fucking Paul behind my back is okay?"

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "I didn't cheat on you and we didn't start up until a few months after I left. He's a good guy and I fell for him before anything happened between us. Bad enough you were screwing around when we were together on the road. Now you're bringing them here? To our house? When at the same time you're trying to convince me to give you another chance. you're unbelievable."

"It's not that simple alright?" he yelled. "I told you it doesn't matter who you go home with at the end of the night if it isn't the one person you'd give anything to be with. If we fix this I won't be that guy anymore."

"You already were that guy when we were very much together! It shouldn't take me to make you change, James! You shouldn't have been that guy ever! We were married and living in this house and you were doing it. Why should I believe for a second you could ever change?"

"Because I see what I've lost - and I lost everything."

"No," she shook her head. "See, I'm onto your game now. I'm onto everything you've done. Every time you'd do something terrible you'd feel guilty and go overcompensate - buy me expensive things or pretend you were trying, when all you were doing was easing your conscious. I'm not putting up with it."

"Look we said we'd try right? Lets just put this behind us. I made my mistakes and paid for them. You made yours and we're back here right now with the chance to clean the slate and make this right. I'm not being nice to you now to overcompensate. I'm trying."

"Yeah I bet," she mumbled. "I'll give you a week."

"That's not enough time -"

"To what, exactly? You had five years of marriage to make it right and it didn't matter. So I'll give you a week. If this doesn't work I'm going down to South Carolina and I'm never coming back here. You'll never see me again. You can live your life and do whatever and whoever you want and I won't be here to make you feel pangs of guilt."

"And Paul?"

"He gave up on me. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Me leaving makes the most sense. You have a job here and you don't have a choice on where you work."

"Fine," James nodded. "A week. But you better try and give this your all because I am."

Clare knew better than to believe him but she rolled her eyes and agreed anyway.

"That means no more rolling your eyes or pulling away or avoiding me. It means we talk to each other and cut the tension."

"Okay."

"Would you please have lunch with me?"

"Sure."

"I'm ordering in. The next two days I'm here. I have off. So I plan on being with you."

***

"You did what?" Sid screamed at Paul as sat on the couch in his living room watching a movie. When Paul called him he had no idea of what had gone on in the last twenty four hours. "Excuse me baby, I gotta talk to him," he said tenderly as he looked at Hannah on his way to the other room to have this conversation. "I'm sorry you did what?" he asked again in disbelief.

"I let her go man. She needs to figure out what she wants."

"No, you fucking made the choice for her. Are you brain dead? Why would you turn her over to the guy that messed her up to begin with? She's crazy about you!"

"Because I don't want to stand in the way of her being able to decide. I don't want her with him, I think he's a fucking loser who doesn't deserve her, but if she still cares for him and if she wanted to be with him deep down, then she needs to decide that. She's independent and I'm giving her the freedom to choose without feeling obligated."

"You're an idiot! I mean I understand where you're coming from if she was a mess the other night but you don't break up with the girl and force her to try at a relationship that died long ago." Sid was still in shock hearing what Paul had done.

"I love her," Paul breathed out completely defeated. "I love her enough to let her go. But the second I drove away I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life."

"Duh ya think? Congrats on ruining your own happiness for whatever reason. Instead of working through it you handed her over to him like some kind of car key or trophy or something. I...Im having a hard time understanding why you'd let her go. She makes you so happy. After everything you've been through..I don't get it man. You never did anything wrong - you didn't steal her or cheat or do anything. You waited and gave her space even after she filed those papers and when it happened it was what you both wanted. I don't know why you'd give that up."

"I hate myself right now. I said some awful things to get her out of the car. She hates me and I don't blame her. If she only knew man..." Paul sighed and felt his stomach ripping apart once again. He barely got any sleep as he laid there all night kicking himself. He couldn't stand to see her with James and he didn't really think she should be, but he wanted to give her the freedom to decide what was best for her without him clouding her judgment.

"You know he's gonna fuck up right?"

"I don't know. He's been trying to make it work since the second she left Crosby."

"Yeah and he's done such a good job at that. Well hey now you guys are on the same page - or at least getting closer. So good job at that."

"It's for the best," Paul repeated to Sid though he knew it was a lie.

"Okay you keep telling yourself that. How many times have you puked dude?"

"I don't know," he sighed out in defeat yet again. "I hate my life right now."

"You did it to yourself. Why would you let her go man? You guys were right for each other. You always were."

"What does that mean?" Paul asked through the phone with a wrinkled brow.

"You know what it means. Look - I don't know what to tell you man. All I know is there's one thing that can change every other aspect of your life and when you find it you'll do whatever you can to keep it. And that's love. You had that with her, and finding that girl is hard enough that usually when you do, you'd crawl over anything in your way to get to her. Only thing I can say is when you have that, you do whatever you can not to lose it."

***

Clare sat on the couch with James and watched tv with him as the night came to a close. He kept his end of the bargain - he got lunch and tried to talk to her about things they hadn't spoken of in a long time. He helped her with the cleaning she was doing and kissed her cheek in passing while she cooked dinner. When they were done eating he was the one to clean the table off and as they sat there on the couch he held her hand in his. There was a line that hadn't been crossed and she was still too uncomfortable with him to let her wall down and rest her head on his shoulder or nuzzle into him. He took what he could get though and she was being less visible angry with him than she had been since they had their argument earlier in the day.

After the show they were watching ended Clare pulled away from him and stood up from the couch. "Alright I'm going to bed," she said with a yawn as she stretched out. "Night."

"Okay. Wait," he reached for her and stood up on his feet so he was facing her. "Night Clare, I'll be up later." He slid his arms around her and gave her a hug. He went to kiss her but she turned her head and all he caught was her cheek.

Clare laid in bed by herself unable to do anything but think. When she left James she spent a lot of time alone in the new apartment going over everything, accepting what she already knew well before their split - things were over between them, they had been for a while and it was time for her to decide what she wanted. When things happened with Paul it felt right, it felt like it was meant to happen and she still couldn't get passed just how blindsided she was by his decision. Though she was in her old house with her estranged husband, Clare was using this time to figure out what she really wanted. Could she ever trust James again? Did she even still love him? Is this the life she wanted or would she rather be alone and start fresh? She thought she knew but this push was something she needed. She was under no obligation, this was something she could handle on her own, and she chose to stay because at the end of it all she knew she'd come out a stronger person.

The next few days went by much the same. James showed he cared but there wasn't that connection or bond that should have come with it. Going through the motions wasn't going to be enough and even if they were Clare was over it. She couldn't help but believe the fact that the situation there were in was all because of James and his indiscretions. If he hadn't done the things he'd done, if he hadn't pulled away from her, lied to her, cheated on her, she never would have left him - she never would have fallen in love with someone else, and he never would have needed to be in a position to redeem himself.

"Clare," he called her as he walked upstairs searching for her.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want me to drive you over to the apartment and you can get your car and whatever you need? It isn't fair I go to practice and whatever and leave you without a vehicle."

"Yeah," she nodded. "That'd be really nice. Thanks James."

"Okay, get your shoes on I'll take you over now. I know you took the week off from work and everything but still."

She nodded again. "Yeah I appreciate that. I'll get my shoes on."

They drove over in silence as Clare's heart pounded faster with each passing second. She felt herself getting nervous at the prospect of seeing Paul and being in the building that they'd been in so much together, but when James dropped her off at the front door and went to park she took a deep breath and walked in the doors. Her heart stopped when she saw Paul walking through the lobby towards her - only he didn't see her, not yet. Her mouth dropped and she slowed her pace without even realizing she was doing it.

As if he could sense her, Paul looked up at did a double take as his eyes widened at the sight of her. "Clare," he breathed out as he felt his heart swell in his chest.

She didn't say anything as they stood there in front of each other. She was still too angry with him to say anything. The only thing she could manage was a sigh as she forced herself to look away from him.

"How are you?" he asked genuinely wanting to know.

"Good," she shrugged not really wanting to talk to him anymore than that. Inwardly she was doing everything in her power not to reach out and touch him. Being around him was simply too painful after what he's said...what he'd done.

"I'm glad," he said with a nod as he breathed in. He knew she was having a hard time standing in front of him like that because he was struggling just as much.

"I'm just here to grab some stuff and pick up my car." She could feel her baited breath and trembling hands - but in the best way possible.

Paul didn't say anything he just nodded his head and stood there for a few seconds. "I figured you would be. Look...Clare...I..." he went to reach out for her but the second he did he saw James enter the lobby behind her.

"Hey man," James nodded at him as he approached them and slid his arm around Clare's waist. "Ready to head up?"

Clare looked at him and nodded her head. "Yeah," before she flickered her eyes over to Paul once again. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah," Paul said as he swallowed and exhaled heavily. He turned and watched as they made their way to the elevator and once the door shut behind them he finished what he started to tell Clare. "...made a huge mistake..." he breathed out quietly before putting his hand over his heart.

***

Clare walked in the apartment and felt empty for the first time since it belonged to her. She looked over the furniture and everything that made it uniquely hers before heading into the bedroom to grab some stuff. She figured one way or another she'd need to start packing - she knew when this week was up she wasn't going to be living here anymore.

"Hey babe," she heard James' voice bellowing from the kitchen.

"What's up?" she asked as she walked out and down the hallway.

"I didn't know you drank whiskey. Figures you'd wait until we break up to start indulging in the finer things in life."

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a wrinkled brow as she walked into the kitchen trying to figure out what he was talking about. When she saw James there by her table holding up a little bottle of whiskey she cocked her head trying to figure out where it came from. "I don't drink that," she said almost defensively as she looked at the flask in his hand.

She didn't understand why it was there until she looked down at the table James was standing by and saw a box of decaffeinated tea bags. Her lips curled up into a slight smile and her heart melted as she realized who put them there and why.