A Lifelong Promise

"What?" Clare asked annoyed and a little in shock as James dragged her out the doors and into the cool air. He was like a man possessed and Clare didn't want to admit to herself that she left part of herself with Paul back on the dance-floor -- he was so nice to her and James...well, he just wasn't anymore.

James seemed nervous, perhaps a little unraveled as he opened the car door and motioned for Clare to get inside. As she sat down in the passenger seat she gave his hand, which was securely holding hers in it, a little tug. "What's with you? Why are you trembling?"

James took a deep breath and walked to his side of the car where he got in and shut the door behind him. Clare turned to face him and instead of saying anything, he completely caught her off guard by taking her face in both his hands and kissing her so passionately, so tenderly so lost her breath. She resisted for a brief second but quickly melted into him as their tongues battled for dominance. He was kissing her like he meant it, like he really couldn't wait another second without her lips on his own or he'd die. Just as abruptly as he started it, he stopped it just the same. "Look," he said assertively as he still held her face in his hands and looked in her eyes. "I've done some terrible things, I know this. And I haven't been myself lately-- for a long time at that. I've pulled away from you at some point and I want you to know that I'm sorry."

Clare was baffled and totally flabbergasted. She didn't know what to do, what to say, or what even brought this confession on. She tried to speak but he didn't give her the chance.

"I know you wanna ask me why now, right? Why I'm saying this now?"

Clare nodded slowly and felt the tears poke at her eyes.

"I might be an asshole sometimes-- you know I can be and I certainly have been-- but I love you and I married you and I know you. I saw the look on your face when that bartender came over and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt to see you look that way and know I caused it." He said his words frantically and so fast that they barely made any sense but he needed to say these words. He needed to tell her that he was finally realizing that things between them weren't as good as he thought they were and that it was a lot of his fault. His conscious needed the relief that he was finally giving it. It was something he'd been in denial about for so long that when it hit him and he finally let it in, it hurt. It was only a portion of the things he'd been doing wrong but right now it was enough-- all he could handle, anyway.

"Did...did you sleep with her?" Clare swallowed as she looked at him and he could see the hurt in her eyes. He knew the answer and it wasn't one she wanted to hear, but he also know Clare wasn't playing games anymore. He was finally being honest but there was a limit for him-- he knew if he told her the truth he'd lose her. He was sorry for his behavior; for being a dismissive, neglectful husband but he he wasn't ready to face the cheating demons.

James swallowed and flickered his eyes down before answering. "No," he lied quietly.

"I didn't want to think about the possibility of you being unfaithful but I'm not an idiot, it's an obvious suspicion to have I just couldn't ask before because I didn't want to lose you," Clare said in hysterics as tears fell down her face. She was finally getting to say all the things that had been pent up inside her heart. "It was becoming increasingly difficult to try anymore. You never used to blow me off after games or be so cold and it's hard to look at the man you love, the man you married, and not know who it is anymore."

"I'm sorry..." James trailed off. Truth was he meant what he was saying--to a degree. He didn't want to come to terms with it but he slowly let some of the things he'd been fooling himself into believing hit him hard. He really didn't expect to have so many emotions but he hated the way he knew he made his wife feel because at the core of it all he still did love her, he just lost himself along the way. He hadn't accepted full responsibility, of course, but this was something-- it was a start. He finally realized that he was hurting her, which was something he hadn't even considered accepting before.

"Have you cheated on me at all? Ever?" Clare asked with a quiet voice almost afraid to hear the answer. Her heart was pounding and she felt nauseous as she waited to hear his response. "If you have, tell me. Tell me now, please don't lie to me. I'm giving you the chance to come clean and we can try to work through it if you have."

James felt his blood begin to race through his veins and he stopped breathing when she asked him again. He was hoping she wouldn't but he couldn't blame her for asking or even thinking it. If she knew what he really had been doing behind her back she'd bail and he couldn't blame that. He couldn't look her in the eyes so he again directed his gaze elsewhere. "No, Clare. I love you."

"You promise?"

James took a deep breath and slowly nodded his head, feeling the guilt tear up his stomach. "Yeah," he whispered as he gave her the look that always made her forgive him. He caressed her cheek with his thumb and leaned in to give her a kiss on the forehead.

"Okay," she said accepting his answer and trying to wrap her brain around everything that had happened in the last ten minutes. "Okay," she repeated. "Good."

"Can we start over?" he asked in hope that she would agree. He wanted to make it up to her, some of it. He wasn't about to change overnight but as long as she thought he could it gave him a chance to try and make amends for his dismissive behavior towards her.

The problem was that his cold actions towards her were a result of the wall he'd built up out of guilt for what he'd been doing behind her back-- he just wasn't ready to see that yet.

***

When James woke up the next morning with a fever and not just a hangover it was Clare who took care of him like she always had. She doted on him, babied him, made him soup, tea and stayed by his side. His sudden confession and heartfelt apology was what she'd been waiting for, for such a long time. She didn't know what it'd take to get through his thick skull but wasn't questioning it now. She knew it was only a start and that they had a long ways to go but it was the start they needed.

"Thanks baby," James moaned out miserably as Clare brought him up another cup of hot tea. "I think I'm dying."

"You're not dying," she shook her head at her little drama queen ."Boy, you men sure are different from us girls huh?" she asked with a smirk as she put the tea down on the nightstand.

"Huh?"

"Well when we get sick we have to power through. You guys get sick and all of a sudden the sky is falling." She was teasing him and he enjoyed it. "You get some rest, you need to get better before your teammates think you abandoned them. I don't know how long you'll be outta commission for, so just rest up. Call if you need anything," she said as she went to turn and walk out the room but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.

"Wait," he said groggily as he looked up at her from their bed. "Stay with me."

"Stay with you?" she asked with a hint of a cute giggle thinking he was kidding.

"Yeah," he answered seriously through his stuffed sinuses. "Don't leave. Curl up in bed with me and watch a movie like you used to do. Just don't go."

Clare looked down at him and very faintly shook her head as she was so confused. She didn't know what got into him and she didn't know what to say. There was still a lot of resentment she felt towards him, things weren't just going to go back to normal--literally--over night. She realized the second he wanted to start over that, yes, she waited for it and wanted it for so long but she didn't know how to act now that it was offered--because it'd been so bad for such a long time. She'd gotten used to him treating her like a second-class citizen in their own home. She loved him and she was happy with everything he said the night before...but it was going to take time to totally fix everything. "I think the fever got you revved up. You must have been sick last night- that's where all that 'I'm sorry' stuff came from," she said messing with him before she leaned down and gave him a quick kiss on his warm forehead.

"No," James shook his head and felt himself almost throw up from the motion. "I meant every word."

"You really want me to stay? You haven't...you haven't really wanted me to stay anywhere you are in..it's gotta be close to a year," she said more serious this time.

"Clare I told you I've been awful to you and I'm not gonna put you on the back-burner anymore. I promise you." He gave her arm a little tug and pulled her body down onto the bed with him. "Thank you for taking care of me," he whispered into her ear and gave her a kiss on the temple. He pulled the covers over her and put her against him so he could cuddle next to her.

"James I've been waiting to hear you say these things...waiting for you to snap out of whatever you were in...I just need you to prove it to me, not just say it. I love you but it's going to take time for me to trust you won't hurt me again-- and I really hope that's all behind us now. I was trying so hard that I realized last night I can't try by myself anymore." As much as she wanted to believe that he wasn't unfaithful to her, she couldn't get over how that bartender acted with him and how awkward he got about it.

He looked in her eyes and slowly shook his head. "Baby I'm not gonna let it get to that point again. You'll see."

As much as she wanted him to be this way, she felt terrible admitting to herself that she felt slightly awkward by his abrupt swing in affection. She realized that as much as she'd been trying, she finally hit a point where she didn't know if she could totally trust him. While she wanted to believe he was genuine and sincere, she'd been hurt too many times by him and she was reluctant to let her wall down and completely trust him again.

"You're so warm," she breathed out feeling his hot skin against hers. He was sweating and congested and it made her feel worse.

"I'll survive, I don't want to be a diva," he said with a smile as he breathed through his mouth and went to reach for a tissue.

"Baby," she laughed feeling herself relax ever so slightly. "You can't even breathe through your nose."

"But I got you here, so it makes it all okay."

"Look," she said with a nervous swallow. "This means there will be real changes right? You're not gonna blow me off after games and go out with the guys? You aren't gonna forget when we have dates? You'll freakin notice when I do nice things for you? I just feel so...unappreciated anymore."

James swallowed the lump in his throat and let out a little groan. "When I'm home, I'm all yours."

Clare reached up and gave him a light kiss on the lips. "Good," she said softly as she wrapped her arms around him.

***

After being home in bed for two days, James finally went back to practice and saw his teammates. It was the first time he was getting to talk to them since they were at the bar that night with Clare and he definitely wanted to talk to Paul. Things were different than they had been even a few nights ago and he wanted to make sure they didn't blow it for him.

"Hey man," he said as he approached him at his locker.

"Hey," Paul said coldly, barely acknowledging him.

"What crawled up your ass?" James wrinkled his brow as he looked at his buddy. It was obvious he wasn't happy with him about something.

"Nothing."

"Whatever," James sighed out brushing it off. "I just wanted to, I guess, thank you for inviting Clare out with us the other night."

"You did?" Paul looked at James sarcastically.

"Yeah, it kinda stirred something up in me. We had a good talk and I apologized to her, I see what you were saying. I've been a dick to her and I haven't treated her right and I felt terrible. I was honest, I told her I realized it was me."

"That's great," Paul scoffed as he went to walk away.

James swallowed and looked at him unsure of what was wrong. "Okay... that's all you have to say?" It was clear Paul was pissed but he didn't know why.

"Doesn't matter," Paul said under his breath.

"Okay what's wrong?" James asked, losing his patience just a little.

"What'd you actually tell her? Everything?" Paul quickly asked as he spun around to call his friend out.

"Like what?"

"Like have you told her that you've cheated? Did you mention that?"

James swallowed and slowly nodded his head. "No. Why does that matter? I know I treated her pretty bad for a while and it took being in an extremely awkward situation for me to see it. This doesn't even concern you, I just appreciate that you've been nice to her and you've tried to help me all along."

"Yup," Paul said as he pursed his lips. "No problem. You got it."

"Look, I saw the look on her face when we were out and it hit me. It just...I didn't want to be the cause of that anymore," James said as he let his head hang. "I'd been avoiding seeing it for so long. And being forced to see her so hurt in the same breathing space as someone I've gone home with...it bothered me to see that reaction out of her."

"So you'll stop sleeping around? On the road? You'll be a one-woman man again." Paul pressed harder. "Or do you think as long as you do it away from her and avoid having a run-in like last night that it makes it okay?"

"Uh, I don't...I don't know. I don't know!" James frantically answered. He was overloaded with the reaction and questions he was getting from Paul-- it wasn't what he was expecting. "I haven't really thought about that. Right now I'm just trying, period."

Paul shook his head and went to walk away completely annoyed. "I'm just done trying to help you man. You don't get it. You feel guilty but you still want to have your way. You only apologized because the guilt ate at your conscious. You need to actually change to show you're sorry."

"What the fuck is this your business anyway. I love her, I love my wife. What else do you want from me? I come over here to thank you for helping me realize I was messing up and this is how you react?"

"Are you serious?" Paul yelled as he spun around and walked back to him. "I don't even understand what you're saying. You're sorry you treat her like shit, but you lied to her face about sleeping around. You want to make things better because you love her, yet you don't know if you'll be faithful on the road. I don't get you man. She's fucking perfect and you have to think whether or not you can keep it zipped? Are you gonna go home with her after the game tonight or are you gonna skip out on her again?"

"She's," James cleared his throat. "She's not coming, she caught what I had and she's sick in bed now." He was more calm with his response as their argument had peaked. He was used to having minor disagreements with the guys, tensions sometimes ran high, but it didn't usually last more than a few moments. He and Paul could argue but, at the end of the day, he was still his friend.

"Is she okay?" Paul asked as concern laced his voice.

"Yeah she's just bedridden and miserable, she took care of me so I'm gonna return the favor. Show her that I'm gonna be there and not flake out anymore." As soon as he said the words James closed his eyes and threw his head back as the lightbulb went off in his head. "Actually, I have to do that thing tomorrow for the NHL network. I totally forgot about it actually. Fuuuuuuckkk," he said annoyed as he realized his plan was shot to hell now.

Paul nodded his head and looked at James. "I could stop in and check on her tomorrow if you want."