Will You Let Darkness Fall?

[Oli’s Point of View]

“What the fuck are you doing?” a voice screamed out.
“I…don’t know?” a second one answered, confusion coloring their tone.
“You’re eating the last of the fucking cereal!” Lee yelled in frustration. I was finally able to place a voice to a face.
“There’s other boxes of cereal, mate.” Curtis laughed.
I didn’t hear Lee’s disgruntled response, but I saw the crestfallen look on his face as he stomped into the backroom.
“You don’t need to act like a child!” Matt scolded, laughing lightly.
“What’s going on?” I yawned, walking into the front part of the bus. The clock read 10:00 AM, but my body said five.
“Curtis took the last of the Lucky Charms, and Lee didn’t like that.” Matt shrugged. “I don’t know, they’re always fighting over something.”
I nodded, curling up on the edge of the couch.
After convincing Vic and Josh to let me skip breakfast (with a claim that the only vegetarian options looked disgusting), I had been allowed to go home yesterday.
Honestly, all I did was sleep. The shows had been postponed to the end of the tour, and we had a long day of travel to the next venue.
We were heading to Texas, where we had a show in Dallas.
“How are you feeling?” Matt asked cautiously, sitting beside me. “Like, do you need anything?”
“I’m fine.”
“What about breakfast?” he pressed.
“Just some tea, please.” I smiled, bringing my knees to my chest. “I’m not really hungry, I just woke up.”
“Sure.”
He walked the three feet to the attached kitchen, and I watched as he filled the kettle with water and placed a tea bag in a cup.
Bringing the sugar down, he started to open his mouth in questioning, but shrugged as he remembered and placed two spoonfuls in the cup.
“Thanks, mate.” I smiled, accepting the hot cup. Blowing the steam away, I took a sip and let the warm liquid run down my throat.
“Good?”
“Perfect.” I nodded, taking another sip.
He continued to hover around, sending worried glances in my direction. It was starting to get frustrating, but I knew he meant well.
“Matt.” I started, shaking my head and continuing to smile. “You can leave me alone, you know? I’m not going to break.”
“I’m just worried…” he frowned, staring at his lap.
Placing the teacup on the center table, I placed an arm over his shoulder and pressed my lips to his ear.
“There’s nothing you have to worry about, alright? I’m alive, I’m back, and I’m going to be okay.”
He kept silent, tears pooling in his eyes.
“There’s something else wrong, mate.” I guessed. “You’re worried, but there’s another reason besides…”
I didn’t know what to call it.
The incident? That sounded like something off a bad soap opera.
“Oli…” he whispered, his voice cracking just slightly.
I swear to God, that’s one of the worst sounds you could hear. That crack in someone’s voice when they’re trying not to cry.
When you can feel the emotions and heartbreak coming behind forced apathy.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, holding him closer.
“Oli…” he repeated. “Why did you never tell me? About, about the cutting? I’ve been there for you, and you never told me.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, not knowing what to say.
“Remember the last tour?” he asked, lost in thought. “You actually looked defeated. Fuck, I was afraid you’d turn to something like this, I was afraid to leave you alone.
Don’t you remember, how I was always there? You’d wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, and I’d come to your side. We’d talk, drink tea, or watch a stupid movie until you fell asleep.
What about the times you’d cry yourself to sleep? I know I didn’t help, because I didn’t know how to help. I knew you were upset, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
What about the times you didn’t want to play a show? When you were too upset to even get out of bed and get dressed? We’d spend all afternoon lazily watching movies and having popcorn fights, because I wanted to see you smile. I wanted to make sure you had a little fun in your day.
Fuck, Oli. I’m your best friend, and it’s always felt like my priority to make sure you’re okay. Not because I have to, but because I want to.
I love and care about you, a lot. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. I thought I had been doing okay. I didn’t tell Vic, because I thought I could handle it on my own. Then you had such a bad anxiety attack, I definitely didn’t know what to do!
I called Vic then, and completely broke down. I told him everything – how depressed you seemed and how you barely ate. He listened to me, gave me a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. He taught me how to help you.”
It was silent for a moment. I just didn’t know how to reply to that.
In a sense, it had answered a question. I had wondered how Vic ended up knowing about that last tour.
“All I want, is a little honesty.” Matt whispered. “I thought you had been okay, I thought I didn’t need to worry too much. Turns out, you’ve been cutting your wrists for such a long time now!”
“I stopped.” I mumbled, defiant.
“What?”
“I stopped.” I repeated. “Do you honestly think I want to turn to something like this? Do you really think I want to depend on slitting my skin open? Do you really think I like feeling like this, letting myself bleed out? Fucking hell, I tried to stop!
It’s not that easy, you know? It becomes an addiction, and you start to crave it. It’s like you need it.”
“I could have helped you.” Matt persisted.
“How?” I demanded. “How the fuck did you expect me to open up about this? It’s the worst thing happening in my life. It’s one of my biggest god damn secrets! I couldn’t just go up to you one day and pull my sleeves up, asking for help.”
“Yes, you could have!”
“You don’t understand.” I sighed. “Logically, I could have. But, I still couldn’t. I can’t just casually talk about it, like I got a new tattoo! It’s not something to be proud of. It’s sad and pathetic, and I wasn’t going to let anyone know about it.”
“You told Vic.”
Silence. There was so much hurt and betrayal on his face, as he realized I had confided in Vic, but not him.
I couldn’t really respond to that.
When it came to that, I felt more comfortable talking to Vic about it.
“I’m sorry.” I finally answered.
“Please, it doesn’t have to be me.” Matt pleaded. “If you feel the need to do it again or something, tell someone! Distract yourself, talk to us, just please don’t do this anymore. I don’t know how much you’re hurting, but I know how much I’m hurting every time I see these scars and know I wasn’t around to help.”
“Alright.” I agreed.
“Thank you, Lollipop.” he smirked, standing up and grabbing the PS3 controller. “Let’s watch another stupid movie on Netflix.”
“On one condition.” I groaned. “Don’t call me Lollipop.”
“Sure, Lolli.”
“I’m going to kill Vic.” I muttered, shaking my head and turning my attention to the TV screen, where Matt had clicked something.
“What the fuck?” I asked, as the intro started and “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” appeared on the screen.
“Neil Patrick Harris, my friend.” Matt laughed, patting my knee. “Neil Patrick Harris.”

--

“Are you guys up for having dinner before the show?”
“Fuck yes!” Lee called out, coming out of the backroom. “I haven’t had a single thing to fucking eat today.”
“That’s because you refused everything that wasn’t Lucky Charms.” Curtis rolled his eyes, coming out of his bunk.
“Shut up.”
“Anyway, I’m up for it.” Curtis answered Mike’s question, who had stepped onto our bus to ask the band.
“Awesome.” Mike nodded. “We’re planning on iHop, because we can. Anyway, we’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”
We had arrived at the venue almost an hour ago, but I hadn’t made the effort to leave the bus. I felt almost bad.
Everyone and the roadies were running around, but I had spent the evening watching lame superhero movies with Matt.
It was a lot of fun though.
Although Matt had insisted I wasn’t allowed to do any heavy lifting, in fear that I might break the stitches or something.
“I’m alright.” I shrugged, attempting to blend into the couch. The idea of having to eat in front of people was making me anxious.
“Come on.” other Matt insisted, tying on his Converse. “You haven’t left the bus since we left the hospital.”
“Fine.” I mumbled, standing up and heading towards my suitcase.
I’d been dressed in sweatpants and a long sleeve the past two days. I needed to feel some real clothing for once.
“You look fine!” Matt Kean promised, after I had switched the sweats for skinny jeans. “You don’t need to do anything else.”
“Uh, I’d like to brush my teeth.” I mumbled, locking myself in the bathroom.
After spending five minutes getting ready and ten criticizing my appearance, we were heading towards Pierce The Veil’s bus.
I could feel my palms start to sweat, as I wondered how many people would end up going to dinner with us.
All of us.
Every last fucking one of us headed towards iHop. Roadies, tour managers, and all.
The good thing though, was that we were divided among tables. I was sitting between Matt and Josh, across from Mike and Vic.
“Could we switch spots?” I asked Josh, who was sitting aisle. “I don’t want to feel trapped or anything.”
“Of course.”
Pretty soon, a waitress came and we ordered a round of drinks – coffee and tea.
“Can I get you started on dinner?” she asked, when she came teetering back with a tray of empty mugs and a pitcher of coffee.
“Yeah, can I have a mushroom omelet with a side of pancakes?” Matt asked right away, his eyes lit up as he stared at the glossy picture on the menu.
“Sure.”
“I’ll have the strawberry cheesecake pancakes.” Mike requested, handing the menu back to the waitress.
“If you’re willing to split that, I’ll have the Philly Cheese Steak sandwich.” Vic decided, sending pleading eyes at his brother.
“Fine.” Mike agreed.
“Alright.” the waitress penned down. “What about you guys?”
“Uh…” I trailed off.
“Breakfast Sampler, please.” Josh smiled, giving me an extra minute of time. “…and could I get a glass of water?”
“Anything.” she smiled a too-red smile. “What about you handsome?”
“Pancake Platter.” I decided, going off the amount. It only had three pancakes, and didn’t come with a messy sauce.
I could easily stuff pieces into a napkin – even my jacket pocket if I needed too.
“Bacon or sausage?”
“Neither.” I shook my head. “I don’t eat meat.”
“If you’d like, we can replace that with a side of fruit.” she suggested, earning an urging nod from across the table.
“Yes, please.” I answered, relieving Vic. “It doesn’t come with a sugar syrup, or anything like that, does it?”
“Nope.” she scribbled something down. “Fresh off the cutting board.”
“Alright.”
That sounded reasonable. I could eat the fruit.
She walked off, leaving us to wait. I could feel eyes on me, but I refused to look up. It was starting to feel awkward.
Matt and Mike were laughing over something, Josh staring at his phone.
In fact, I was stealing glances at the screen. He was texting someone named Jake. “Fuck, you’re adorable.” he texted.
For some reason, I found myself wishing someone would call me adorable.
Not in that, “I wish I was pretty” way, but in that “I want someone to just fall in love with, someone who finds whatever I do cute” sort of way.
“Oli!”
“What?” I asked, snapping out of it.
Vic was staring at me, absentmindedly stirring his coffee. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You seem really nervous about being here.” he mumbled. “Do you want to go back to the bus, or something? We can get your order to go.”
“…please.”
“What was that?” Mike asked, unable to hear the forced whisper.
“Please.” I repeated, a little louder.
“Are you alright?” Josh asked, whispering into my ear. Concern flooded his tone. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“It’s alright.” Matt interrupted. “Vic can take care of him. If he doesn’t want to, then I’ll go back to the bus with Oli.”
“I don’t need to be baby-sat.” I whispered, but nobody heard me.
“I was just offering.” Josh answered, taken aback. “I actually want to spend some time with him, if nobody else wants too.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Vic responded, surprisingly cold. “He doesn’t need you worrying about him or anything.”
“What’s going on?” Josh asked, alternating his gaze between Matt and Vic. “Why does it seem like you’re ganging up on me?”
“Maybe because you’re a fucking asshole who treated him like shit?” Matt reminded him. “Or maybe because you lied about not wanting him dead? Oh, how about when you pulled him on stage and made a fool out of him!”
“Guys…” I mumbled, feeling my hands start to shake.
Fuck, I just wanted to forget everything that had happened. I just wanted to pretend nothing had ever happened.
“I made a few mistakes, mate!” Josh hissed, staring Matt down. “It’s not your decision who he gets to hang out with. That’s his choice!”
“Then let me choose.” I mouthed, staring at my lap.
Fuck, they were all driving me crazy. I didn’t want to spend time with any of them right now, I just wanted sleep.
“Excuse me!” Mike called out, getting the attention of the waitress and them. “Can I get both pancake dishes to go?”
“Sure!”
It was silent for the next five minutes, as everyone stared/glared at each other.
When the waitress came back, she set plates in front of Vic, Matt, and Josh. She handed two cardboard boxes to Mike.
“Let’s go.” Mike whispered, dropping a twenty on the table and taking my hand. “I want you fuckers to work things out. If we can’t even wait for food without an argument, I sure as hell don’t want to eat with you guys.”
“Mike.” Vic attempted.
“No.” Mike interrupted. “Try to make some fucking peace, alright? We’re going to head back to the bus. Things better be okay by tonight, because we’re all hanging out on our bus.”
“Fine.”
Following Mike out of the restaurant, I dropped his hand and stuffed mine in my pockets. “Thank you.” I whispered.
“It’s not a problem.” he smiled. “Come on, let’s eat before this gets cold. I’m not going to let a couple of fighting children ruin dinner.”
“Alright.” I nodded, feeling the crumpled napkin I was planning on hiding the food in, in my jacket pocket.