Finding Atlas

With a newfound sense of determination, I drove back to Atlas's once more, this time prepared to pry that door open if I had to. I banged on his front door, not caring whether or not his little sisters were present.

"What part of 'you can't do that' do you know understand?" Atlas asked me as soon as he opened the door.

"The can't part," I said, pushing past him and walking into the house. "We are gonna talk. And I don't care if you have nothing to say, because I do, so if you aren't gonna talk, then listen." I said, my chin held high. Atlas raised an eyebrow and drily responded, "Oh, I've got plenty to say. But where are my manners? Ladies first."

"There is a huge elephant in this house and I'm determined to kick it out." I declared indignantly, my pride swallowing me whole as I formulated this grand speech in my head.

"Uh, if I'm not mistaken, you're kind of the one who brought that elephant in. I already said what I felt, and you're the one that flat out denied me, not the other way around. You're the one who told me to stay away. You're the one who wanted god damn space, and here you are, denying me of mine."

With every "you're" coming from him, I felt the arguments in my head weakening, and soon enough, I was left with nothing––no explanation, no smart comeback. Just raw feelings that I wasn't sure I could communicate. So I did the only thing I could do: I swallowed my pride and I let my emotions speak for me.

"Here's the thing: since day one, you're all I see. I can't avoid you, I can't hide from you, I can't do any god damn thing without you just being there! And it scares me because you're always around and when you talk it's like everything makes sense and there isn't anything wrong and that whole 'just friends' thing? Screw that! I don't even care about that, I never did. I never wanted to be 'just friends.' I wanted to be one-on-one, always together, fully yours. You scare me so much and I can't even––god, I can't even say anything to you without feeling like a complete idiot. I'm stripped down to nothing when I'm with you."

Everything just tumbled out, and I didn't bother to stop it––in fact, I think I wanted it to all come it. But with the look on Atlas's face, my heart sank and sank till it hit the floor, and I wondered why I'd even bothered with expressing my feelings. After all, what had I told him at Bardia's? Something about not being able to have faith, because there was too much to lose. And I thought I'd lost everything.