You Found Me

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad, where the west was all but won.

I looked as the paramedics lifted my body over the stretcher; it looked so fragile and innocent. The only thing I remember was how depressed and stressed I was but I never thought I’d make this; I never thought I would be capable of jumping off a building. I never thought such suffering would make me do things without even thinking of those I could hurt.

I looked among the crowd, immediately recognizing his angelic face; he was irreplaceable. No one would compare to him. I couldn’t decode the look on his eyes; they were filled with worry, sadness and… guilt. So many encountered feelings, but still, he didn’t move a bit, he was still planted without even asking the paramedics if there was a mere chance of me making it… nothing; his look turned cold. Very cold.

After they took my body in the ambulance and the crowd dissolved, including him, I wandered through Central Park, thinking about the little argument we had a few nights ago.

All alone, smoking his last cigarette, I said “where you been?” he said, “Ask anything”.

“I can’t believe you missed the reunion.” I said, upset while I walked into the apartment and hung my coat on the rack.

“I’m sorry honey. Work kept me busy, there’s going to be a really important meeting this week and I can’t leave all the plans to Lucy, she can’t handle them all.”

“That’s why she’s your secretary, isn’t she?” I answered, a little bit annoyed at him for being late every night. It’s not that I was jealous because Lucy was an old woman; I just wanted to have a nice moment with my fiancé and talk about wedding plans.

“Come on, Kellin. Don’t be a jealous ass right now, please. I’m not in the mood.” He said while walking to the balcony, lighting up a cigarette, addiction he had developed thanks to work. Damn work.

“You know? I can’t plan the whole wedding by myself. I’m not the only one getting married in two weeks and as the partner you make yourself call, you should help me with the guest list.”

“You can do that by yourself. It’s not that hard to do.”

I didn’t answer, I just walked to the main bedroom, took a blanket out of the closet and grabbed his pillow before heading out and walking down the hall to the guests room, leaving the items on the bed. Then I ran back to the main bedroom and locked myself. He was so not going to sleep with me tonight.

“Kellin! I can’t believe you’re being this childish.” He yelled, barely hitting the door.

“Go away Victor, and leave me alone.” I answered after a few seconds.

“Ok, then.” I laid my ear on the door and heard the guests’ room door close. I couldn’t believe that even when we weren’t even married yet, he just wasn’t there for me. He didn’t have a second to call and say he wouldn’t make it, instead he would leave me hanging in the restaurant like the most stupid boy in the world.

Where were you, when everything was falling apart? All my days, were spent by telephone, that never rang and all I needed was a call; it never came to the corner of First and Amistad.

After I admired the wild life of Central Park, I decided to look up for him. I didn’t think he would be at the apartment so I went for his job, trying to distract his mind at any cost.

And I wasn’t wrong, when I appeared; he was sitting on his businessman chair, looking at an inexistent point right on the big wall before him. Maybe he was thinking so I didn’t want to distract him, it’s not like he could see or hear me anyway. Out of the blue, he picked up the phone that was lying next to his right hand and dialed a number, then he said.

“Dismiss all the phone calls I might get today and cancel all my appointments, please.” Before hanging the phone.

He sighed and rested his head on the chair, rubbing his face with those tanned and tiny hands he owned, short after he got up and walked to the door, locking it. He turned on his heel and walked towards the huge window that provided him with a glorious view of the city’s sunset, you could actually see the sun go down while darkness took in; the view was breathless.

At least fifteen minutes passed until the sun completely disappeared and that was when he walked to the sofa that lay right in front of his desk, sitting down and taking his head in between his hands.

“Why Kellin? Why did you do this? Was the pressure too much to handle? I know I was a big jerk by treating you the way I treated you but you had no right.” I heard him whisper and for the first time in five years we’ve met, I heard his voice crack.

Seeing him like that broke my heart. What have I done? Why was I such a selfish asshole? I tried to touch him but I couldn’t do it, my hands had this tingly sensation and he seemed to notice too as he lifted up his head and looked straight to my eyes, his eyes looked desorbed. Could he see me? No, it was impossible.

He stood up from the couch and blinked, still looking right into my eyes.

“Is this really you, Kellin?” He asked, looking down at me.

“Yes.” I answered with a whisper and his face lit up with one of those crocked smiles that I loved to see. I smiled back and his smile grew bigger.

“You know? I missed that smile of yours.”

Lost and insecure you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

“Why?” He asked after a few minutes of silence staring at each other.

“Why what?” I stop looking at his features and focused on the question.

“Why did you… you know… killed yourself?” He said while playing with the long locks that were on the back of his head.

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t even know?” I smiled, but this time not even a trace of his smile appeared, while he nodded slowly. “Well… I guess you never knew then. I was so unsure.”

“Unsure? About what?” He asked curious.

“I don’t know, I thought you wouldn’t make it on the wedding day, like you always did on the appointments.” I lowered my eyes and I could notice that he did too.

“Kellin, I would never, listen to me, never would’ve left you on the altar.”

“It seems like you said that a little bit too late, don’t you think?” He looked down to his hands nervously. “Don’t blame yourself, it’s just that I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to end up like my parents and go through the pain of a divorce, I wouldn’t have stand that. Because I know that I would've gotten sick of always being after your job. I always hated how it made you start smoking.”

"Really? You never said anything about it either."

"I know." I smiled shyly and kept talking "I hate that you smoked because one of the things I love about you the most is your voice and I didn't wanted you to ruin it. I never wanted you to breath through a tube."

"I know, I always hated the cigarettes but I was the only thing that calmed the anxiety, and even if you don't believe it... I was nervous about the wedding too." He smiled a little bit bitterly.

"And... What did you feel when you saw the crowd outside the building?" I asked, changing the topic.

"My heart stop for a second, I didn't know if should kept walking or go back running to work. I still can't understand why you did it."

"I don't know what happened, I was so stressed, I was done, I was sick, I was... I don't even know how to describe it."

"You should've told me." He said and I glared at him.

"Would you have listened? Or would you have shake it off? Like that fight about the guest list."

"You're right. I was an idiot."

"Anyway, where were you when everything happened?"

"In an important meeting, that I abandoned when they called and said what you did. I swear if I would've make it earlier, you wouldn't be dead now. I feel so guilty.”

In the end, everyone ends up alone. Losing her, the only know who’s ever known who I am, who I’m not and who I want to be. No way to know how long she will be next to me.

"It looks like in the end everyone ends up alone, right?" I said, looking at my hands carefully. There was a really uncomfortable silence between us, until he decided to break it.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, I'm gonna miss you at home, I'm gonna miss how loud you were, I'm gonna miss your welcomings, and I'm also gonna miss our useless fights. You know that.”

"I'm gonna miss you a lot too, Vic."

"You're the only one who knew who I really am, who I'm not an who I wanna be. But that doesn't make sense anymore because there's no one to be better for. I don't even know how much longer you're gonna stay, or if this is an hallucination.”

Early morning, the city breaks, I’ve been calling for years and years and years and you never left me no messages. You never sent me no letters, you got some kind of nerve, taking all I want.

I don't even know why but after Vic said that, he stopped seeing me or just pretended that I wasn't there. But that didn't stop me from following him to our apartment, where he packed all my belongings; locking them away in the main bedroom... he left everything as I did before jumping.

I witnessed how the next day he had to get up early and go to the cemetery, where my memorial would be taking place.

I just know that during the whole ceremony, our conversation kept echoing in my mind. How did he not see the signs? He only talked about his job and how good he did, never interested in my problems. We always talked about his job.

When it was his turn to talk, I stood there... Waiting for him to get enough courage.

"To be honest, I don't know how to begin because I can't thank you enough for being here on the hardest days in my whole life. Honestly, I thought this day would come in at least seventy years, when we were old enough, so the children we would've adopted would be the ones speaking instead." He looked straight to where I was standing and smiled bitterly. "I know he had problems, issues that I ignored and I feel guilty about that. But I also know he was never a hateful person, and even if you ever hurt him deeply, he had a heart big enough to forgive all the insults. And Kellin Quinn" he said looking right into my eyes "I want you to know that I loved you before, I love you now and I'll love you always."

After he ended his speech, a well-deserved wave of applause was heard. A little bit before coming down of the podium, we looked dead in the eyes, while he whispered an «I love you» to me.
But I'm still wondering…

Why’d you have to wait to find me?