Secondhand Love

Alex sighed as he hung up the phone, leaning against the tour bus. He couldn’t even remember what had brought on his latest fight with his girlfriend – ex girlfriend? He wasn’t even sure, but it’s not like he could ask. It’d probably just start another fight. No, he knew Lisa, and he knew it’d be better to let her cool down.

It’s not like he wanted them to end, and he knew she didn’t either. They loved each other, they always have and he knew they always would. But touring took its toll on them – especially when they were both a little too jealous every once in a while. He really couldn’t blame her for doubting him; he’d cheated before and if he was honest, probably always would. She didn’t even know the half of it. No wonder she didn’t trust him.

Yet, he could never help himself from being insulted when it even seemed like she was accusing him, which led to a big blowout. Sighing to himself, he shook his head, looking up in time to see some of the band and crew carrying groceries out of the store.

“Dude, guess what? I got us more marshmallow fluff!” Jack exclaimed happily as Matt rolled his eyes, getting onto the bus to put away the food. He ran up to his best friend, smile dropping as soon as he took in Alex’s expression. “What’s wrong?”

Just a few minutes later, they were sitting in Alex’s bunk, scooping fluff out of the container with spoons as Alex finished telling him about the latest fight he has with Lisa.

“I’m sorry, dude, that sucks,” Jack lamented with a sigh. He loved Lisa like a sister, he really did, but the constant fights and on and offs with Alex was getting tiring. It was like the same episode of the same show was getting played over and over, and he just kept watching his favorite characters, his two best friends, constantly break each other’s hearts.

And then of course, there was the issue of Jack being hopelessly in love with Alex. Except no one talked about that. Ever.

Alex shrugged as though it didn’t matter, scooping more fluff into his mouth. “It’s whatever.” But Jack knew it wasn’t whatever, and he knew what would happen. Alex would need affection, need someone to ensure him he wasn’t a complete failure when it came to the whole ‘romance’ thing. If they were on tour with a band with girls, it’d usually be one of them (take poor Tay for instance, and how he spent a whole Warped Tour with her) or one of the girls working the venue or something, but he wasn’t against turning to guys either. Most specifically and most often, he’d turn to Jack himself.

Jack knew this. Jack was used to this. Jack would always let it happen. Therefore, Jack didn’t bother flinching when he felt Alex’s lips on his own. He let them fall back on the bed, wrapping his arms around his best friend’s neck. He tried to focus on the taste of marshmallow on Alex’s lips instead of how wrong this was. He knew he should stop it but he wouldn’t. He never did. He was never strong enough to. Vaguely aware of Alex’s hand traveling down his body and giving him butterflies, he reached behind himself, under the pillow to get a condom he knew would be there.

Hours later, in the dead of night, Jack stared up at the top of his best friend’s bunk. He’d put his boxers and t-shirt back on, while Alex had fallen asleep stark naked. There was an arm carelessly around Jack’s waist that he didn’t have the heart to move. He turned his head slightly, sighing to himself at how peaceful Alex looked when he was asleep. His mouth always opened slightly, and occasionally his nose would twitch. It was probably Jack’s favorite thing about these nights. He didn’t want just the sex, he wanted all of Alex. The good, the bad, the ugly…the utterly adorable and sweet. But he knew he wasn’t getting that. He was just another person Alex used.

Granted, he knew he was still Alex’s best friend, and always would be. But that’s all – Alex’s best friend that the fans joked they were in love, and every once in a while he’d be Alex’s way to get off. It wasn’t right or healthy, but Jack didn’t care. He knew he should, especially because Lisa would be even more hurt if she ever found out, but he just didn’t.

A loud buzzing interrupted his thoughts, and Alex groaned. “Dammit,” he mumbled, half asleep, reaching for his vibrating phone. Jack pretended to be waking up from the noise as well, fake-fluttering his eyes and whining. Alex gave him a small smile as an apology, thinking his phone had actually woken the younger man, and looked at the screen. Immediately, his eyes widened and he was awake, pressing the answer button right as Jack glanced over and saw Lisa’s name and picture. ‘It’s her,’ Alex mouthed to him after giving the girl a greeting.

Giving a thumbs up, Jack smiled what he hoped was a smile capable of convincing Alex he was happy that he’d probably be patching things up with Lisa. ‘I’m gonna go,’ he mouthed back as Alex chatted on with his girl, much to the dismay of the crew members in the bunks around him. Jack carefully moved from Alex’s bunk towards his across the aisle, quietly slipping in as he heard his best friend not-quite-whisper, “I’m sorry too, baby. I love you.”

Jack stuffed his face into the pillow, taking a deep breath. He then flipped over to the side, back facing where Alex’s bunk was, telling himself how it was worth it. It was, even if it wasn’t real love. Even if he was just getting what spilled out from Alex’s relationship with his high school sweetheart, the secondhand love.

Letting out a yawn as he finally felt sleep coming to him, Jack decided that he’d take what he could get. As pathetic as he felt each time, he’d take it.