Just Let Me Go

(BIG TIME SKIP, SUE ME) ONE YEAR LATER:
It's amazing what all can change in a year's time. Don't you think so? I went from being lonely to having friends. Now this year I went from senior in high school, to a free agent--I haven't decided what I wanted to do yet. The band has taken off, they're touring again, and hopefully soon they'll make another CD.
Needless to say, it's been fun. The fans the guys have are amazing, and their music....I'm in love with it. Another thing that's been good is the fact that I haven't heard from anyone from school. At all. Normally there would be some words exchanged over a social network, but it hasn't happened.
Yet.
Neither has communication with my mom or Lexie. But I'm still not okay. I'm a wreck inside and I know it. They don't, though. My blade is always in my pocket, ready to make me feel better. No one knows that. Not even Vic. I mean, they don't suspect anything. Just a cut here and there, nothing too serious. Who am I kidding? It's all serious.

"Anastasia, wakey wakey!" Vic sings in my ear.
I push him away. I'm too tired for this shit.
"Anastasiaaaaa, we want you at the side of the stage tonight!"
"Vic, I just want to sleep."
He lays on top of me and hugs me. "Pleeeeeaaaasssseee?" He begs.
A groan escapes my lips. I might as well go. He'll keep annoying me until I say yes, anyways. "Fine."
"YES! GUYS SHE AGREED!" Vic jumps off me and runs out of the van.
The guys cheer when I walk towards them. I wrap myself up in my hoodie and cling to Tony's side. There's still something about him that makes me feel safe. Maybe it's my feelings? Oh wait, what feelings? HAHA... Tony can do better anyways. So many people throw themselves at him--it's ridiculous, really--and they're so much prettier than me, thinner, and not as fucked up.
Yeah, I'm still the same screw up, insecure, emotional wreck girl--just not as bad as before. Though I do have my days, like tonight, that I feel just like I did back then...those months ago.
"Hey, babe, what's wrong?"
I blink. "Huh?"
Tony grabs my shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Babe, something is wrong."
Yeah, you keep calling me babe with every damn sentence. Why? "Nothing is. And what's with the babe thing? You've been calling me it a lot lately."
He flinches slightly, like he's hurt. "I always do."
"Could you stop? I'm not in the mood."
"Anastasia, what's wrong?"
I sigh. "I dunno. I'm just....blah."
"Blah?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
I shrug my shoulders. "I honestly have no clue, Tone." Lies. I've been beating myself with the fact that I'm a worthless piece of shit.
He wraps his arms around me, placing his mouth in the crook of my neck. I tense up as a memory enters my mind, but quickly shove it out. I can't think about that. Not now.
"Anastasia, you're in for a good night....I hope."
He kisses my cheek and pulls away. Hope gleams in his eyes. I smile. "I know, I always am."
"Tonight's different, though."
"How?"
He bites his lip. "You'll just have to see."
~~~

"HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?" Vic yells into the mic.
The crowd chants back their different answers.
"I CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR YOU!"
They scream back now. I smile. It's amazing how much Pierce The Veil--the guys' band--connect with their fans. It's rather nice. Hell, it's more than nice.
"Alright, guys, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Say helloooo to Anastasia!"
I begin to choke on my drink. Did he just call me out?
"Anastasia, darlin', I can see you. Come 'ere."
I will my feet to move, and somehow find myself center stage. Vic smirks at me, I just stand there completely dumbfounded.
"Sweetheart, we have a surprise for you."
"I can tell. The hell am I doing out here?"
THe kids laugh. Shit. I'm making a fool out of myself. I look down and feel a tinge fat. My legs are going to explode, or so they look. I should buy more sweats, they're comfy and hide me.
"You look fine. Stop it." I look up and see Vic uncovering the mic. "Anyways. This girl right here has been by our side for a long time, and we want to thank her so much. This whole month she's been putting up with us and is still here. Surprisingly. Tony over there," he points, "has something he needs to say because he's been keeping it in for a long time. And I can tell you have, too."
Oh no. No. I look over to Tony and see him rubbing his neck nervously.
"But we're going to save that for the end of the show. Anastasia, we will see you later!"
"Okay...bye." I wave and walk backstage.
There's something going on...and I don't like it.
This whole show seems to be going longer than normal. Maybe it's just because I'm nervous. Maybe it's because Tony keeps peeking at me with a nervous look. Maybe it's because Vic keeps smirking and winking at me. OR maybe because I don't want to say I like Tony when he doesn't like me. Yeah, that last one's definitely it.
"So keep talking 'cause I love to hear your voice...Voice again."
The crowd goes crazy. They're done. The set is finished. I'm scared shitless.
"OKAY ANASTASIA, COME ON OUT AGAIN!"
I walk out, tugging at my sleeves and tucking my hair behind my ear.
"TONY, come closer."
He does and grabs my hand. A few girls shriek, in horror I imagine, at the gesture. Little do they know that it's just a normal thing we do. It means everything to me, though, maybe not to him.
"You two...Boy you two...There's something going on. You guys haven't done anything to change your status yet either. Why?"
"He doesn't feel the same." "She doesn't feel the same." We say at the same time.
Vic nods at Jaime. "Told ya! Twenty bucks right there! Okay, back to business. I want you two to go back and talk about this. Because we all want you to get together because it'd be so damn cute. Okay?"
I sigh. "Alright."
We both look at each other. Both shy, both awkward. Great. I can tell this talk is gonna go well. With a weak smile, I begin to walk off, hoping to get out of the spotlight quickly. Tony trails behind me. He's thinking. I know he is. Hell, I should be, but I don't want to right now. When I think things tend to fail, and I'm not in a fail mood.

~~~Tony's P.O.V.~~~

Right now I should be planning on what I'm going to say to Anastasia...So why am I still planning Vic's death? Good question. Son of a bitch is gonna get it.
"I think we should go to the bus."
Anastasia looks confused. "Don't you have to help them break down everything?"
"Nope. They get to tonight." I laugh. "Sucks to suck."
"MY PHRASE MR. PERRY!"
"I THINK NOT."
"FINE THEN."
I watch her walk. She's graceful, yet a klutz. Happy, yet sad. She's everything and nothing, and I like that. She's just her and that's all I ever wanted. Hell, all I ever needed. But what if I'm not what she needs?
"Tony, you okay?"
"What? Oh. Uh..."
She opens the door to the bus and climbs in. "Nervous, I know...me, too."
"I mean, yeah, but I'm--"
"Tone. Let's get down to the facts. What you want is probably different from what you'd get from me, you could do better, you could be happier...all that with someone else. So I say why should we even risk our friendship for what will end tragically?"
She just friendzoned me?
"Tone....Tony, please don't look so pissed."
"I...you...just..."
Tears swell in her eyes. Great, you hurt her dumbass.
"Listen, Anastasia, you don't even know what I want."
"I know enough from watching your past relationships."
"You're kidding me, right?"
"No. You date the girls that have the nice bodies, blonde hair, and party habits. Why not? I mean, you get sex, you get drunk, you get all the fun you ever wanted. Plus you keep going back to the one person that doesn't deserve you, that Stephanie chick is bad news. Real bad news. Jaime told me that this thing with her has been going on and off for a long time. I don't want to be a second choice. Don't get me wrong, Tony, you're a great p--"
I stand up. "Save the shit, Anastasia," I yell, "Tell why you really don't want to let me in, to date me."
"Tony, calm--"
"Down? You want me to calm down?"
"Yes!"
"Imagine how it feels to have something you wanted for a long time ripped out of reach because one person is clearly scared. But the thing is, I'm scared, too! Don't you get that? I like you, and I know that you don't like letting people in. But you've gotta let me in! I want to show you what I love about you, what I always look forward to seeing. Just let me in." My voice cracks, "Please..."
"Tony...I," tears fall from her eyes, "I'm sorry."
"No, please don't cry. That's the last thing I want to see." I sit on the ground in front of her and tilt her face towards me. "I want to see you smiling. If you don't want to date me, you don't want to date me. I understand."
"That's just it, I don't know what I want..."
I nod. "Okay...What's going on in your head? You're conflicted, I can tell. You get this look on your face when you're fighting with yourself." Her eyes lose their liveliness, they get cloudy almost. Then she messes around with her hands.
"I like you, I just....I'm not so sure about anything."
"Like what? Just explain."
"Loving me is never easy. All the people that loved me, left and hurt me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid of relationships because of things that happened in my past one. And no, I'm not telling you what. You can do better than me. That I can promise you. I don't want to see you losing your spirit because of me."
"Give me a chance."
"I can't do that right now...give me time."
I nod my head. She wants time? Okay. I'll give her some.
I get up and begin to walk away.
"Tony...please don't leave--"

~~~Anastasia's P.O.V.~~

He slams the door to the bunks shut. "--me..."
I feel like I just messed everything up. And I don't think I'll be able to fix it.
"CONGRATULATIONS YOU--OW, JAIME WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT--Anastasia, what happened?" Vic rushes to my side, quickly followed by Jaime and Mike. "Anastasia, please talk to us."
"I was fucking born, that's what happened."
"Sweetie, what happened?"
I push him away from me and get up. "I fucked up, Vic."
"Where are you going?"
"To drown myself, wanna come?"
"I'm serious."
"I dunno. Out."
"You realize this is a moving vehicle, right?"
"Yes."
"And that you can't jump out?"
I stop moving. Shit. Why didn't I think that through? "Yes."
"How about we crash on the couch and have a movie night?"
Jaime lifts me up and spins me, "TOY STORY PLEASE!"
"Fine."
They all cheer. I wish I could be as happy as them...
~~~
Tonight will be different, right? Right. Tony will stop talking to that bimbo, and we will be able to handle a conversation. I will not breakdown and cry. I will not--
"Anastasia, can you take Tony and Stephanie home?"
Fuck.
"Vic....you know I can't--"
"I can't drive them, due to my intoxication, and you haven't touched alcohol all night."
I sigh. I hate it when he's right. "Fine."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I know it sucks."
"No. I'll be fine. Don't worry."
I grab my bag and wait for Vic to turn around. When he does, I grab two bottles of whiskey and one of vodka. With a sly smile, I go to Tony. Stephanie sits on his lap, gently kissing his neck.
"Vic told me to take you two home. You ready?"
Tony rolls his eyes at me. "Guess so."
I flip him off and walk out of whoever's house this is to my car. It's an '04 black Mustang. Stephanie stumbles down the sidewalk behind me, Tony trailing her like a dog in heat. It's disgusting, really, how right I was. He likes sex. I get that. But there is no way he got over me that quick...is there?
They climb in the back. "You guys better not have sex back there. I'll fucking kill you both and not regret it."
"Whatever." Tony mumbles.
I light a cigarette and take a long drag.
"Can you not?"
God her voice...it makes me want to bang my head against a wall to end the pain. "Can I not what?"
"Smoke that?"
I take another drag, turn around in my seat, and exhale in her face. Yeah, it's rude, but tonight I'm done giving a shit. No one likes the bitch--that's probably another reason Vic asked me to take them home. I have the balls to tell her off--I've done it before. Tony got so pissed, but I don't care. He needs to see that she's no good for him.
"You're such a fucking bitch, you know that?" She scoffs.
"Sweetheart, everyone says the same thing about you." I smirk and turn around.
"Anastasia."
"Tony."
"Shut the hell up."
"Why don't you make me Perry?"
"I'm not fucking around."
I look in my rear view mirror and lock eyes with Tony. "Neither am I."
I start the car and drive to Mama Perry's house. The only reason we all went out tonight was because the Fuentes are out of town again, and Mama is working. Perfect opportunity, right? I don't even know why I bother going to parties anymore. I don't drink, when I do I get truthful. Mike, Vic, and Jaime know it, too, and take that chance to ask me anything and everything (especially Mike). It pisses me off.
"We're here." I throw the car in park and cross my arms.
"Anastasia..."
I turn and see Tony. His eyes almost pleading to me. Next to him is a passed out Stephanie. Go figure. "What do you expect me to do?"
"Help me carry her in."
"You think I can lift her? Tone, I'm the weakest person alive."
He smiles. "You called me Tone."
I roll my eyes. Okay, for the past two weeks I haven't called him that. I haven't really called him anything, actually. Just a lot of mean things in my head. A LOT of mean things. No, I'm not proud for not nutting up, but I'm not the one who walked out. I was going to tell him that I'd date him, but only if he took me out on a few dates. You know, the normal stuff people do. But no. He left me. He broke his promise.
"Anastasia, what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Don't do that....you know that there's something. You're crying for Christ's sake."
You left me. "Nothing is wrong."
"Don't give me that bullshit."
I get out of my car and open the back seat. "Lets just get her inside, and this over with. I'm not in the mood to talk to people tonight. Okay?"
He nods. He looks disappointed, but he's drunk. When he's drunk and doesn't get what he wants, he gets all huffy puffy about it. Tony thinks everything is about him.
Tony pushes Stephanie forward, almost making me fall over from her dead weight. He gets out of the car, then comes to pick her up. I watch him push some hair out of her face, lovingly, before heading to his house. I pull out my key and unlock the door. Tony takes Stephanie upstairs to his room, I just stand by the door awkwardly, not knowing if I should sleep here tonight like old times or go to the Vic and Mike's.
"You can stay here, ya know."
I look up at Tony. He sits on a stair, staring at me. "I know..."
"But...?"
"I dunno."
"Anastasia, what's up?"
"Why would you care? I take you and chick home one time and you think that you can get stuff out of me? You haven't talked to me since I tried to explain things, Tony, and that hurts. A lot. I'm going to Vic and Mike's. Bye."
I go to walk out, but he sprints down the stairs and grabs my arm. "No. Don't. I'm alone here."
"No you're not. You have the bitch upstairs, remember?"
"Stop. Calling. Her. That."
I spin on my heel. Fucking brat. I snap, "You know what? It's a load of shit how you want me to stop calling her that, but you don't tell her anything when she calls me things. You know, like bitch, cunt, slut--yeah, she's called me a slut before, don't look so shocked--and a lot more. She hates me because the guys like me. And believe it or not, the guys can't stand her. They also can't stand to see you throwing yourself at someone, giving her so many fucking chances when all she does is cheat! She's going to use you to get a shit ton of money, not love! Tony, it sucks watching you go down this road again. I remember earlier this year when you two broke up and you were torn. TORN! Why the hell are you setting yourself up to get hurt again?" He just stares at me. "Answer me this time, or I swear to God I will leave and try to stop worrying about you."
"I'm...I...Anastasia, does everyone seriously hate her?"
"What do you think?"
"Why the hell hasn't anyone told me?" He punches the wall behind me.
This is the part that scares me. Whenever he drinks, he also gets a short temper. And normally I see this side for some reason. "Tone, calm down."
"No! Everyone hates my fucking girlfriend and no one has the balls to tell me."
"I just did."
"And why do you hate her? Huh? She makes me happy, is that so hard to get?"
I shake my head. "I can tell from the look in your eyes that you don't believe that. You can lie with your mouth, Tony, not with your eyes."
"Stop acting like you know everything about me."
"I will when you do the same damn thing. Now I'm gonna go. You're pissed and I don't want to--"
Tony places his hands on either side of my face, and kisses me. It's going to sound cheesy, but I felt something there. I mean, it wasn't just a kiss...it wasn't something that I felt with any past relationship. It was wonderful, magical in a way. I kiss back, shocking myself and him, probably. He pulls away and leans his forehead against mine.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
And of course this moment had to be taken away from me. But what was I expecting? Tony has a girlfriend and I just kissed him. So of course with my luck she'd come down the stairs and see that.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH, KISSING MY BOYFRIEND. GOD, you're such a fucking slut. Why don't you go sleep with someone else? He's MY boyfriend. Not yours!"
I watch her come down the stairs. I crack my knuckles, then approach her. With one punch I knock her on the ground. She starts to cry.
"Anastasia, did you really have to--"
"Tony, don't fuck with my head. It's clear that you don't know what you want. Let me know when you fucking figure it out. Oh, and get your head out of her ass. It's not attractive."
I slam the front door shut and run to my car. Tears stream down my face, falling faster with each second. I need to get out of here. Pronto. I don't need to be around this. Okay, breathe, Anastasia, you can't have an attack. Not without anyone here with you. Just keep driving. Oh wait, you can't see. Maybe if you'd stop being a little, whiny, bitch you'd be able to.
"Anastasia, wait!"
I see Tony running after my car. Don't let go of the gas. Keep going. A car headlights blind me, making me swerve out of their lane. They blare their horn at me. I should stop. Crying while driving isn't good. I could've died...
I start to sob. Best thing, right? Another pair of headlights, another swerve. I stop the car. No one's coming, behind me. It's three in the morning, of course no one's out. Relief. I need relief. My hands fumble to grab my purse. I find what I'm looking for in the secret pocket I created. My shiny, tiny, object.
I roll my sleeve up. Time to add to my other secrets. The guys only think I cut on my legs. Not my arms. I needed another place, my thighs and hips were getting full. I make four cuts. All even in length, all bleeding. Not profusely, just enough. I grab a tissue and press it against them, it stings slightly, but mostly calms me. It's odd, you know, how so much pain can cause me relief.
Someone bangs on my window. I roll my sleeve down and see Tony. Sweat dripping down his face, his breathing heavy. I open my window. "What?"
"WERE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED? You were driving like a fu--You were crying, weren't you?"
I look away from him. "What do you think?"
"Jesus, Anastasia...I'm--"
"Sorry. I know."
"And Stephanie..."
"Don't care about her. I'm over it."
"But you aren't. That kiss..."
I grip the steering wheel tightly. "What about it? It's not like you're going to remember any of this tomorrow. You were drunk, you made a mistake. It happens."
"No, Anastasia...don't leave. You can't drive like this."
"You know what? It's funny how you don't want me to leave tonight, but you broke your promise and left me. Funny shit, isn't it?"
He leans into my car, takes my keys from the ignition. "You're not driving. End of story."
I punch my wheel, causing the horn to blow. "I'm not a child! You can't boss me around like this!"
"Anastasia, please don't. You need to calm down."
My breathing becomes shallow, my vision blurred from the tears. I hear the door open, and Tony pulls me out. He sits on the ground, rocking me in his lap. Kissing my forehead.
"You have no clue how sorry I am...Anastasia, I love you so much and all I do is hurt you."
He needs to stop saying that. "It s-sucks to know that yo-you won't remember this. I know you, T-Tony, and your memory after drinking sucks. It hurts more to kn-know you won't remember this--any of this--in the m-morning."
He nods. "I know...I don't think I can tell you how sorry I am."
"Tone?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you, too."