Just Let Me Go

~~~Tony's P.O.V.~~~

I silently rub my jaw as I wait for Mike's answer. That shit just punched me. For what? "MIKE answer the mother fucking question!"
"You wanna know what that was for? THAT was for Anastasia! You've fucked that girl up beyond belief, and the sad part is, I don't even think you know!" he screams at me.
What?
"God you're such an idiot! Do you not know how much pain she's in? I sure as hell didn't until moments ago when she told me everything--EVERYTHING! That bitch you wanted to call a girlfriend, when in reality she was just some cheating slut, hurt Anastasia so much! That bitch would call her names, tease her and shit like that, and you wanna know why Anastasia put up with that shit? BECAUSE OF YOU!" He punches me again, this one sending me to the ground. "Tony, I never thought you could be so fucking stupid! Out of all of us, YOU'RE the one she opened up to the most and you couldn't see her. Granted you guys weren't really speaking, but clearly she was putting up with that silence for you." I lay on the ground and feel my heart drop when Mike's tone softens, "Tone...she still cuts herself." Ah shit. I turn to my side and puke in the grass. Mike pats my back. "I know, dude, I almost did the same thing."
"Mike...she drank because of me, didn't she?" I look up at him, my eyes pleading for an honest answer.
He holds up his hand and shakes it a little, "Kinda...she wanted to forget what she feels. She feels hurt, alone, and broken. She drank two whiskey bottles and a vodka."
I sit up, pull my knees close, and bury my face in my knees. Don't cry, Tony, you have to be strong for her. "Why?"
"I think you know, dude." With my silence, he continues, "Okay, guess not. So she didn't want to cut. Anastasia told me she wanted to feel like the 'worthless piece of shit,'" he quotes with his fingers," that she believes she is."
"And all I've done is been so far up Stephanie's ass...I never helped her. Dear Jesus...I-I..I broke my promise to never leave her..."

~~~Anastasia's P.O.V.~~~

I dust my pants off and lock the door. Thank God for the boy wanting his 'privacy' in the mornings. No, he just wants to smoke his cigarettes without his parents finding out. I still don't understand how they haven't put the two and two together--the smell and the cigarettes butts on the ground outside the window--and realized he smokes. Oh well. That won't be my problem anymore.
That's right, I'm done. Thankfully Jaime and Vic haven't come to me yet, otherwise my plan would be screwed. I climb out onto the roof and stare at the stars. I wonder what it'll feel like to finally be up there with them. I lay on an old sheet from Mike's bed and breathe in the aroma of a vanilla candle he had in his room. I hope he won't hate me for using this stuff. The lighter I used presses onto my leg. Maybe...
I pull it out, let it light a few times, then press it to my skin. The pain causes me to wince, but I love it. I deserve it. My mind tells me to keep doing it, but my heart says stop...Mind over matter. I burn myself five more times--I have an obsession with even numbers, so of course I need six burns.
My head spins. Do I really want to do this? Yes. Why? Because everyone will be better off, I'll be free, I won't feel anything, I won't hurt, nor will I hurt other people. I read over my letter:
"Dear Everyone,
Mike, I know you told me to stay here, but I can't. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for using your things...Just know that you are one of the best people I've ever met, and that you're the brother that actually took care of me. If I were to live, I'd tell you what I mean by that, but at this point I can't bring myself to write it down. I want to go with happy memories.
Vic, I should've told you I was getting bad again, but I couldn't take seeing you being disappointed in me. You tried so hard to help me--and you did, trust me--but after awhile I stopped telling you things because I didn't want to burden you. I love you, hermano, stay strong.
Jaime, I just want to say that I'm going to miss your energy. Even on my darkest days, you tended to brighten them just enough to get me through. Just a simple smile that was caused by you would make me feel better. Keep flashing those dimples, them girls go cray at the sight of them. Haha.
Tony...I...
I guess I should say that I'm sorry to you, the most. I know the other guys loved me, but we were close. Really close. You know, I did have feelings for you that day on tour, but you didn't give me enough time to explain anything. I would've said yes to dating you IF you were to take me out on an actual date. Or two. Yeah, two, because you know me and my even numbers. Haha...I hope that Stephanie makes you happy, but I know you deserve better than her. She's a bitch and, quite frankly, no one really likes her. She's poisonous, and I think you know it deep down. Yeah, you do. Your eyes aren't as lively around her, your laughs are fake, your smiles--though real at times--grow faker and faker by the day. Just go out there and find someone who makes you happy. Please. If not for you, then for me. Lately our distance has gotten out of hand, and I'm taking the blame for that. The distance is my fault. Not yours. If I wasn't a fucking idiot, I wouldn't feel so damn broken right now.
Turtle, I love you--always have, always will. Don't ever doubt that. Listen to the song, "3am" by Busted...I relate to it. Kind of. Only the, 'Words don't mean shit' and 'I just want it to be like it was before because I don't think my heart can take much more'.
Sadly, nothing will be the way it was before. I'm sorry for leaving you guys. I seriously am. I just can't take this pain. Like I said, Mike, I'm broken. I have been for a long time. Take care guys. I love you all. SO MUCH. More than music. You know what music is to me.
I'm being selfish, but I'm done catering to others. I really am. I'm doing something for me, and call me whatever you want for this. I don't care. I've been broken ever since I was seven. I bet you guys didn't even know I used to have a brother...
I need to stop writing before word vomit comes. Haha...
Please don't hate me --Anastasia xoxo"

I wipe a few tears away. Better make the call now. I dial Tony's number and aren't shocked that it goes to voicemail. He's with Stephanie I bet. His voice crackles from the other end of the line, then the beep that means I'm clear to leave a message.
I take a deep breath and let it out, "Hey, Tone..."