Just Let Me Go

The hurt in Tony's voice makes me want to puke. Again. Don't do it, Anastasia, you'll be okay.
"Awh shit." I mumble covering my mouth and heading to the bathroom.
I get to the toilet, but nothing comes out. Everything feels like it's stuck in my throat. I kick the bathroom door in frustration. Tony opens the door, looking down at me. His eyes say he's worried, disappointed, and upset.
"What's wrong?" He kneels beside me, pulling me into his arms.
"Nothing will come out!" I cry.
"And is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know."
"Anastasia, why did you do this? What did you use?"
"I found an old blade in my bag last week, I didn't even know I had it."
"Okay...go on."
I take a deep breath. "Austin sent me a picture of a girl pressing on you and asked who it was. I didn't know and asked if he did, and he said no, but you and the guys knew her. So, I looked at the picture closer and saw that it was Lexie. I began to panic. Then Austin said he had to explain something to me in person...and I panicked even more. Old Anastasia came back, and I let her win!" I kick the sink cupboard. "She won, Tony, and I feel like shit for it."
"Why did you panic? Did you think I'd really...?"
I can't look at him. The way he asked it just makes me want to cry even more. "I don't know! And who are you to talk? You asked if me and Austin fucked. Did you really think we would?"
"No...I just....Why did you panic?"
"Because I thought she was going to weasel her way into my life again and make it hell. She has this way of getting what she wants, and I thought she would. I don't know what I was thinking, old Anastasia made me think the worse, and I reacted like I used to."
"But, babe, why cutting? Why didn't you call ME?"
"Because I didn't think! I didn't know how you would handle me, and Austin had to explain something else, which was you guys getting rid of her. He feels horrible because he thinks this is his fault, but it's mine. I did this to myself. I'm just a fucking stupid bitch, and I did this. I don't know why, Tone, but I mess everything up and it makes me feel like shit all over again." My voice rises, not in the yelling way, but in the pitch way. By the end of my little rant thing, I sound like a damn mouse.
He kisses the side of my face and rocks me back and forth. He knows I'm getting way too upset over this, and is trying to calm me down. I don't deserve him. He could do better.
No, stop this. He chose me, he loves me...I love him. We'll get passed this. Right?
"I would always handle you with care. And I know Austin feels horrible, I'm not mad at him. Okay? If this would ever happen again, and you want to cut...call ME. Okay? I don't care what I'm doing, I'll try to get to you as soon as possible."
"I don't know what I did to deserve you...you could do better. Someone who isn't a mess..."
"Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. I want YOU. You're better than the rest of the girls out there. You've been with me through everything, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Baby, look at me." I do. "I want you to stop hurting yourself. Please. For me. Kick out all the negative thoughts, and just think of me, Vic, Mike, Jaime...just something positive. Hell, even Austin. Everyone here loves you."
"I know...I'm sorry, Turtle."
I wrap my arms around his neck, and he wraps his around my waist. I bury my head in his chest, and take a deep breath. I hate hurting him like this.
"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. Everyone has a moment of weakness."
"But it hurts you. I'm no longer hurting myself, but you, too."
"I'm fine. I'm just worried about you. Now, why don't we go out there, put our brave faces on, and eat some food." He chuckles. "I'm so hungry right now."
"I know you are. I'm not hungry right now, but I'll come with you."
He pushes me away slightly and raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, I'm a little hungry, but not that much."
My stomach growls, giving me away. "Uh huh, come on, kiddo, you're gonna eat something nice and yummy. I'll force feed you if I have to."
"Not nice, Turtle."
"I'll live, Rush."
"Oh, so now we're going with ethnicity nicknames?"
"Mayyybe..."
"Mex, I want some food, make me tacos."
"Now THAT is just mean and racial."
"You called me Rush."
"Fine then, go get me some vodka and you got yourself a deal."
"Meanie racial bastard."
"Not fair, I can't call you mean names!"
"Child, hush. Lets go eat, please."
He kisses me gently, like I'll break. Enough of that shit. I deepen the kiss, making it slightly rough. I'm not a piece of glass, and he knows that.
"Anastasia...babe, lets....go eat."
I pull away and smirk. "Yayyyy food!!"
"You're bipolar, I swear. One minute you hate food, next you love it."
"I know. I'm your bipolar child."
"Ew. No. Not my child, your my girl."
"Awe how sweet."
I take his hand and stand up, pulling him with me. We go into the living room and my heart drops when I see Austin holding his head in his hands. I can't believe I did this to him. "Uh...Hey, guys."
Vic and Mike look at me with smiles on their faces, Jaime looks confused, and Austin keeps his head down. "Austin, look at me."
"Anastasia, not right now."
"Please." When he does, I go over to him and grab his face. "This wasn't your fault. It was mine. I swear to God if you don't believe me, I will beat you over the head with something until you do."
"But--"
"No but's, Austin, you didn't know that I had a past with self-harm, and you didn't know that I go in and out of a bad place. My fault."

~~~Tony's P.O.V.~~~

That's the one thing I like yet hate about Anastasia. She tries to lighten up the situation, and tries to make herself and others forget it. But it doesn't work. I hate it when she does this because I can tell that every smile right now is fake, but she sells it good. Real good. I'm shocked. Not really...she's done this for a while.
"I swear I--"
Anastasia cuts Austin off again. "Austin. Stop apologizing. Now. Say it with me, 'Anastasia'ssss fault'."
"I can't say it...but I'll try to believe it."
"Thank you, that's all I'm asking."
"Only if you talk with me once or twice a week when we part ways. Shit, call me whenever you need to talk, or when you're having a bad day."
"Promise."
She kisses his cheek and I feel a fire burn in the pit of my stomach. Stop, Tony. Don't need to get jealous. She's not Jessie, she won't cheat.
Anastasia looks at me again and smiles. Her eyes, however, make me believe she's about to breakdown again. "How about we go into the back lounge and watch a movie? I'll make popcorn or something."
"Okay. Get the M&Ms."
"Okay."
She walks away quickly, mumbling a, "goodnight", to everyone. They all watch me as I grab things for the movie. "What's wrong now?" Vic asks.
"I don't know. I'll figure it out, though."
"Tony...maybe she needs more he--"
"I'm not sending her to a shrink, they'll shove drugs down her throat."
"How do you--"
"Know? I've talked to people who've gone because I've thought about it--about sitting her down with someone to talk about everything she's done and has been through."
Vic sighs, and I just turn and stare at him. The timer on the microwave goes off, and I get it, the M&Ms, and walk pass him. Anastasia's huddled under my Star Wars blanket. She looks cute...kind of content. But cute.
"Hey."
I sit down next to her, and she smiles. "Hey."
"Now what's wrong?"
"Austin..."
"What about him?"
She presses play on the remote and tries to focus on whatever movie she picked.
"Anastasia, don't avoid the question."
"I hurt him. He's going to think that I did what I did because it was his fault, but it wasn't."
"That's just him, though. Don't worry about it, honestly, he'll get over it in a few more seconds."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'm shocked he hasn't--"
"Anastasia," speaking of the devil, "I'm gonna go now. I'll see you whenever I see you. And text me sometime bitch."
"I will. Don't worry! Bye, stud."
Austin leaves. "See. He's better already."
"True."
I try to focus on the movie, but Anastasia's voice pulls me back. She's hurting again..."Tony?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Will I ever stop hurting and disappointing people?"
I kiss the side of her face. "You've never disappointed anyone, so there."
"But I've hurt..."
"Who hasn't?"

I hope this stops soon. I can't stand seeing her hurt herself like this anymore.