Anthropophobia

Truth be told, I'm not sure how to start this. I'm not a very talkative person. Sometimes, I doubt if I'm even a person at all. After all, I'm so different from everyone else. I'm a peculiar person. At least, that's what my family tells. I guess that that's why they always avoid me and pretend like I don't exist. Because they're ashamed that they have a child that's different, that's afraid. It tarnishes their reputation. If they cared at all, they wouldn't send me to school, where my greatest fears lie. They just don't care.

I'm Kian, and I am disparate. No, not desperate. I guess that you could say that I have a... phobia. Of people. It kinda fucks up my life, and my family doesn't make it any better. All I want in life is to be able to stay in my room, laying in the dark and listening to soft music playing in the background, and not having to live up to anything or be around anyone or anything. I mean, I could be homeschooled, but my parents don't care enough to cater to my needs. They don't believe that I have an actual fear. They don't believe the nightmares, the panic attacks, the angst that I feel every single day. They think that I'm just a little shy and don't put any effort into getting to know people because I'm 'lazy and selfish and incompetent.' Oh, yeah, that's definitely it... That totally makes sense.

It's bad enough that everyone in my entire school hates me, including the teachers and students, but I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just get over my fear within seconds? Every time I even try to look at a group of people, or just a person, my heart starts pounding and I feel like I just can't get away fast enough, like they're judging me, like they'll hurt me. That's why I try to make myself invisible. Because they always end up hurting me one way or another. It sounds stupid, but it's true. No matter what I do, I end up getting hurt, and it's always my own fault. At least, that's what they tell me.

Admittedly, it's a sad life. I just try to trudge through it with the least drama and trouble I can manage. But apparently, trouble just immediately gravitates towards me like the earth to the sun. It would be better if I wasn't in school, but again, I am. I've never even met a person that is actually tolerable at least. Well, at least, before him...

(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ

It was a bright and sunny day, completely contradictory to my mood. Then again, I'm never in a good mood; I can never find a reason good enough to lift my mood out of its perpetual rut. It was about April, with only a few months left in my junior year of high school. Like most school days, only one period had passed and I'd already been tripped and spit on twice. And also like usual, the teacher pretended not to see because she didn't care. She only cares if it's a jock or someone popular. That's usually how things work in this school; everyone thinks that sports are the most important thing in the world, and the jocks are revered and the ones who don't care are regarded as freaks of nature and tormented for not worshiping the popular people.

And cowering in the corner as I did everyday helps nothing whatsoever. Well, it made me feel a little bit better to be isolated from everyone else, but apart from that, it helped nothing. But then one day, the attention was finally placed on someone else apart from me. I could finally go through the halls without anyone bothering me. Well, I was a little guilty that someone else became the target, but I definitely wasn't gonna complain. It was some new boy named Luca. I'd never even seen him before, but I didn't really care. But then he was placed in my English class and I couldn't help but feel a little guiltier.

He was short and puny, with dyed red hair and big, blue eyes. He had pale, nearly translucent skin that was marred with purple bruises. He would've looked very cheerful and friendly if he didn't look so... broken. If I wasn't terrified at the thought of being near a person, I would've gone up to him and tried to befriend him. But instead, I stayed in my corner, pressing myself up to the wall a little more than usual, attempting to become even more invisible, especially to him, so he won't look at me again with those huge blue orbs full of pain and fear.

But, as fate had it, we kept running into each other and catching each other's attention. Once, I accidentally ran into him literally in the hallway. None of us said anything, and we ended up just staring at each other with mirrored frightened expression until I finally broke the gaze to run off in a random direction, eager to get away, even though my class was in the complete opposite direction. I just couldn't bear being near him or looking at him any longer.

One day, however, there was an English project and the teacher (most likely the only one who actually liked me) assigned us our partners. And you can guess who I got. Yes, Luca. But a part of me was relieved that it was him instead of a random asshole intent on kicking my ass.

So he walked over from his opposite corner and sat down in the seat next to me and leaned into the seat as far away from me as possible, looking down at his hands shyly and clearing his throat a little, but not saying anything. We sat in awkward silence for about fifteen minutes before finally, the teacher spoke up, interrupting all of the previous conversations of the others.

"Okay, so you have the rest of the period to talk to your partner and figure out the outline of what you're going to do. Since it's due next week, I highly suggest that you plan to meet outside of school. And girls, no groups of four, separate now."

Great. Outside of school. I-I don't think I can deal with this. My breathing started to thin out and quicken, and my head dropped to the desk as I attempted to clear my thoughts and regulate my breathing. As I looked up a few seconds later, I noticed that Luca had paled deeply in comparison and his breathing had become irregular and hasty as well. But why? After I cleared my throat a bit and put on a mask of indifference, I finally looked up again.

"So we should try to find out what we're going to do for this," I suggested, only stammering a little bit. "Y-Yeah," he whispered, "Uh, I'm not really sure what we should do, but I was thinking maybe we could do something with writing. I-I mean, if you don't want to, that's f-fine and stuff, I'm just not really that good at anything else." I nodded in agreement, seeing as I didn't want to do anything else either. "Th-that sounds good, yeah." And for a few minutes, we went over things until we finally picked an idea that was acceptable.

"Oh, and remember guys, you have to make a presentation, and that's a part of the grade, so you have to make it acceptable for the class."

Oh, oh, no. M-maybe she'll understand that I can't present. Or maybe Luca can do it and I can stand behind a board or something. Anything but present. "C-Can you present?" I asked desperately. "I literally can't," I added. But he shook his head. "N-no, I can't either. I... I just can't," he whispered, eyes starting to fill with tears. Hell, I'm surprised I didn't start crying as well. "Why can't you?" I asked, sure that my excuse would beat his. "I-I'm kinda... really afraid of people," he muttered, blowing me out of the water. "Really?" I replied, shocked. He nodded at me, wiping at his eyes. "Y-Yeah. Sorry, I know you didn't wanna be paired up with a freak like me," he whimpered. But I shook my head at him. "It's not that. I just... I'm the same way."

His head snapped up faster than lightning, his eyes even wider than usual. "Seriously? Y-You're not joking?" he asked incredulously. "I'm serious." And to get out of the awkward situation, I made an excuse. "Uh, I'll just go up and ask the teacher if we can get out of presenting."

And thankfully, she was pretty understanding and was going to give us the grade by just presenting to her in the hallway. Needless to say, when I went back to Luca, we were both in a state of major relief. And at that moment, I got a feeling that maybe this guy would be different from everyone else I'd met. Maybe he could actually be the friend I'd been secretly craving for years.

(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ

So the days passed deliberately, and surely, Luca and I timidly grew closer. Well, to the point where he came to my house after school one day so that we could work more on the project. It was hard to admit, but I felt more comfortable around him than around anyone else in my whole life, even my parents. So, we isolated ourselves in my room so that no one else would be around to annoy me or startle and panic Luca. It was hard enough to get as close as we were, we couldn't risk anything messing that up.

But that day, just sitting around in my dimly lit room, listening to the music on my laptop, and brainstorming new ideas was actually really nice. Despite being afraid half of the time, Luca was actually pretty nice to be around when he loosened up a bit. I could see us being friends actually. It was kinda hard to tell at that point if our similar fears and personalities would keep us apart or bring us closer together.

However, the day before the project was due, Luca came up to me in the hallway, grabbing my wrist and dragging me into the nearest bathroom. Obviously, I was shocked and my anxiety started flaring up, but instead of beating me up or saying mean things, he burst into tears and flung himself onto me.

"Wh-What's wrong?" I asked, shaken up a bit. He shook his head against my chest, still sobbing. "I-I ju-just can't d-do it anymore. I-I just can't." Knowing exactly how he was feeling, I hesitantly hugged him back, running a soothing hand slowly through his silky hair. Minutes later, his sobs subsided into sniffles, but he still remained attached to my chest.

"I just hate it so much," he whispered after a few seconds, "Everyone hates me and I've been getting hurt so much and I'm just so on edge and sorry, but I just thought that you'd be the only one who would understand and not try to hurt me. You're the only one that doesn't scare me."

"It's okay, Luca," I murmured back, "I understand. And, i-if you want, I'll try to be there for you whenever I can." And for the first time in a long time, I smiled. It was really awkward and unnatural, but it also felt kind of nice. Plus, it put a happy look on Luca's face, so that made it feel a little better. And in that moment, I knew that finally, I would have a friend.

(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ(ι´Д｀)ﾉ

And from that day on, we did stay friends. Things started looking up for us a little. Our breakdowns subsided little by little since we finally had someone to confide in and we helped each other through everything. Soon, we became attached at the hip, but we didn't care. We were happy. After high school, we decided to go to college together, having similar interests, and of course, roomed together. For anything else to happen would be unacceptable.

The point is, things got a little easier, and I found that life was a little brighter when I had someone to care for and had someone to care for me. For my entire life, that was a big part of what I was searching for, but with the fear, it was difficult to pursue. Yet somehow, it happened anyway. And I've never been more thankful of anything. It sounds stupid, but before Luca, my life was pointless. He's my best friend, my only friend, and he's brought a lot of joy to my life. Joy that I didn't find anywhere else.

But little by little, I started to feel more and more comfortable in my life. I mean, somehow, I even found my boyfriend, Noah. It's really awesome being with him, but I know that if anything happens, it won't be too bad, because I'll still have my best friend. I'll still have Luca. And Luca will always have me.