Status: One Chapter, All Truth
Calendar Days
Calendar Days
Calendar Days
Can you look at a blank calendar of every day you have been alive and tell me the exact date of your worst day ever? Do you know by heart the date that held the best day you have ever lived? I guess it is all in what means the most to you.
May 16, 2011, is one of the many days that will haunt me for the rest of my life, a night that is burned into my memory forever, and one that I hope I never forget, despite what happened. It was the night I decided I was going to take my own life.
I had been thinking about it for a long time, it wasn’t just something out of the blue. I didn’t care anymore, nothing about me mattered. Even thinking of how it would hurt others, how sad they would be, couldn’t stop me. While I didn’t, couldn’t, and watching it over in my brain now, wouldn’t, it was the best plan I thought I had made in a long time.
I was done pretending to be happy, to smile even when all I wanted to do was grab my lighter and my trusty piece of metal and burn again. My life wasn’t needed, I couldn’t do anything spectacular. I wasn’t athletic like my beautiful younger sister or my little brother. Art didn’t come naturally, math was way too hard, and there wasn’t anything I could do correctly. Failure might have been my middle name that year. SOLs were coming up within days and I just knew I was going to fail all of them. Have to retake all my classes, be the daughter my parents didn’t want to talk about.
The months leading to It, and after it were bad. I just wanted to die, I ended up telling my parents, but who believes something like that from the girl who never stopped smiling? The girl who laughed off the bullies and helped the weaker people at school? The one who smiles even while crying?
Yeah, no one does. And I wasn’t going to tell my friends at school. They had their own trouble, their own drama. And if my own family didn’t believe me, why would they?
Obviously, I was faking. Even my brother and sister, and my cousin who was living with us at the time thought I was just faking, that I said it to get out of trouble.
I mean, who wants a suicidal daughter, a suicidal girlfriend? Would you?
My partner broke up with me a few days later.
~
But it got better, so very, very, very much better. Especially on October 27, 2012.
I had been getting better, slowly, but I had managed to stop burning. Things were looking up for me. And around the beginning of August I had began listening to the band My Chemical Romance.
They helped where everyone else had seemed to fail. It seemed these four men cared about this little girl they had never met than some of the people I actually knew. Their inspirational words helped me through and on October 27 of 2012, I saw the light.
I somehow got though my mental block of depression and ‘no one cares’ to see all that I really had. My Chemical Romance did not give me a reason to live, but showed me all I had to live for; All the friends and family who cared for me, all the reasons to change the perpetual smile on my face to a real one, a reason to cry happy tears.
They didn’t miraculously change me, it wasn’t just ‘BAM’ fixed. It was slow, but it seemed they were there when no one else wanted to be. Their lyrics showed me the way. The men themselves helped me.
The start of my cliché quest to love myself.
On that day I found my will to live and my fear of death. Two things I had never really owned before.
~
On the extreme cliché of saying it, I learned a lot from this. I gained a life purpose, too. I want to help save lives. I have gone through it myself, I can help others through it, too. Most of the time they just want someone to care, someone to cheer them on, someone who doesn’t know them from Adam to care, to prove that somewhere in the world they are needed and loved, and I want to be that person. I don’t want anyone to ever go through what I did.
I never wish to go through it again, but I am so thankful I did. Not that I enjoyed the experience but now I have the knowledge to help people who are in positions that are close to what mine once was.
The stats stand today that I have saved two lives and helped five girls stop self-harming.
If that is what came out of my depression, my worst and best days ever, then I will gladly mark the calendar for you, out of all the days I have been alive.
Can you look at a blank calendar of every day you have been alive and tell me the exact date of your worst day ever? Do you know by heart the date that held the best day you have ever lived? I guess it is all in what means the most to you.
May 16, 2011, is one of the many days that will haunt me for the rest of my life, a night that is burned into my memory forever, and one that I hope I never forget, despite what happened. It was the night I decided I was going to take my own life.
I had been thinking about it for a long time, it wasn’t just something out of the blue. I didn’t care anymore, nothing about me mattered. Even thinking of how it would hurt others, how sad they would be, couldn’t stop me. While I didn’t, couldn’t, and watching it over in my brain now, wouldn’t, it was the best plan I thought I had made in a long time.
I was done pretending to be happy, to smile even when all I wanted to do was grab my lighter and my trusty piece of metal and burn again. My life wasn’t needed, I couldn’t do anything spectacular. I wasn’t athletic like my beautiful younger sister or my little brother. Art didn’t come naturally, math was way too hard, and there wasn’t anything I could do correctly. Failure might have been my middle name that year. SOLs were coming up within days and I just knew I was going to fail all of them. Have to retake all my classes, be the daughter my parents didn’t want to talk about.
The months leading to It, and after it were bad. I just wanted to die, I ended up telling my parents, but who believes something like that from the girl who never stopped smiling? The girl who laughed off the bullies and helped the weaker people at school? The one who smiles even while crying?
Yeah, no one does. And I wasn’t going to tell my friends at school. They had their own trouble, their own drama. And if my own family didn’t believe me, why would they?
Obviously, I was faking. Even my brother and sister, and my cousin who was living with us at the time thought I was just faking, that I said it to get out of trouble.
I mean, who wants a suicidal daughter, a suicidal girlfriend? Would you?
My partner broke up with me a few days later.
~
But it got better, so very, very, very much better. Especially on October 27, 2012.
I had been getting better, slowly, but I had managed to stop burning. Things were looking up for me. And around the beginning of August I had began listening to the band My Chemical Romance.
They helped where everyone else had seemed to fail. It seemed these four men cared about this little girl they had never met than some of the people I actually knew. Their inspirational words helped me through and on October 27 of 2012, I saw the light.
I somehow got though my mental block of depression and ‘no one cares’ to see all that I really had. My Chemical Romance did not give me a reason to live, but showed me all I had to live for; All the friends and family who cared for me, all the reasons to change the perpetual smile on my face to a real one, a reason to cry happy tears.
They didn’t miraculously change me, it wasn’t just ‘BAM’ fixed. It was slow, but it seemed they were there when no one else wanted to be. Their lyrics showed me the way. The men themselves helped me.
The start of my cliché quest to love myself.
On that day I found my will to live and my fear of death. Two things I had never really owned before.
~
On the extreme cliché of saying it, I learned a lot from this. I gained a life purpose, too. I want to help save lives. I have gone through it myself, I can help others through it, too. Most of the time they just want someone to care, someone to cheer them on, someone who doesn’t know them from Adam to care, to prove that somewhere in the world they are needed and loved, and I want to be that person. I don’t want anyone to ever go through what I did.
I never wish to go through it again, but I am so thankful I did. Not that I enjoyed the experience but now I have the knowledge to help people who are in positions that are close to what mine once was.
The stats stand today that I have saved two lives and helped five girls stop self-harming.
If that is what came out of my depression, my worst and best days ever, then I will gladly mark the calendar for you, out of all the days I have been alive.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thank you for reading. :3Love,
RedRomRomance