Light in the Hall & a Key Under the Mat

“Alex, don’t you think it’s time to…maybe…throw his stuff away?” Rian asks carefully. He knows it’s a sore subject, but it’s been nearly a year. One year, and Alex still has all of Jack’s stuff around the house.

“No,” Alex answered immediately, clutching onto an old hoodie that had been left on the couch. “He could still come back.”

Rian didn’t bother arguing. This always happened, every time anyone tried talking sense into Alex. Every time they tried getting him to move on with his life, he’d take a step back. There was no moving forward for him, it seemed.

It wasn’t that his friends were unsympathetic. Jack leaving Alex meant Jack leaving all of them, and it had been hard on all of them. It broke up the band; they knew they couldn’t replace him. Nor did they want to. But Alex and Jack had been together. Alex was the one he really left. Alex was the one who suffered the biggest heartbreak.

But Alex still thought Jack was coming back. No matter how much he was told he wouldn’t, Alex never believed them. He had hope. He had faith. He knew how much Jack loved him. Jack just needed to remember it and then he’d find his way back.

Alex sighed as he breathed in the hoodie. It didn’t smell like Jack anymore, and it was covered in even more of Sebastian’s hair than it had been, a year ago. The last time he saw Jack…Alex couldn’t believe it was a year. He’d left without any of his stuff.

“Alex,” Cassadee started, not sure what to say that would help. She and Rian came by a lot, as did a lot of their other friends, all trying to help Alex through this. He rarely even left the house anymore, they knew it wasn’t healthy. “I know you don’t want to believe it, but Jack…he’s not…”

“Yes he is,” Alex countered. “I know none of you think it, but you could all be wrong. Just because a lot of people think something, doesn’t make it true. Like, like that the Earth was flat – everyone used to think it, but it was wrong.” He nodded, thinking he’d won the argument with that statement.

Cass and Rian shared a look, nodding. “Okay,” she whispered, going back to making dinner for Alex. She had a feeling he wouldn’t eat much if his friends wouldn’t occasionally stop by with groceries or take out.

“Have you been to see him?” Alex asked Rian, biting his lip.

“Not since last week. I was thinking of going today.”

Alex nodded. “Say hi to him for me…”

Rian nodded, looking up when Cassadee handed him a plate, balancing two others on her arm for her and Alex. “Dinner’s served,” she smiled warmly.

It was two days later when Lisa and Jessie stopped by. He liked it when they stopped by, they would sit and talk to him without pushing and Jessie would usually play some music and clean while Lisa took the dogs for a walk. He knew she wanted to take them home, make sure they got walked every day (Alex had taken to just letting them run around the yard for exercise) but every time she looked at him and saw how much he was still hurting, he could tell she took pity on him. She didn’t have to ask to know Baz would always sleep on his stomach while Peyton curled up by his feet. Alex wouldn’t admit it, but those two were probably the only reason he was even getting sleep.

He asked them the same question, and Jessie bit her lip. “Yeah, we were just there,” she whispered, sitting down with him.

“Did he...” the unsaid ‘say anything about me?’ hung in the air for a moment before Lisa slowly shook her head and he sighed.

He wasn’t expecting the impromptu visit from Vinny, Matt, and Danny that weekend. He thought for sure the key in the lock was Zack coming to get his grill back that he leant Alex last week in hopes he’d make himself some chicken or something to eat (he hadn’t, but Jessie saw it and made him some stuff, put it in the fridge and told him to microwave it when he got hungry.) or maybe even – hopefully – Jack. He stared at the door, holding a growling Baz in his lap as the three old crew members stepped in. “Hey, bud,” Matt greeted, arms holding a tray. “Sorry you missed the barbeque. Cristina suggested we bring over some of the leftovers. We got chicken, burgers, hot dogs.”

“And beer!” Vinny finished with a smile, holding up a six pack. Alex couldn’t help but give a small smile back as the guys made themselves at home with the food and alcohol. When they left, Alex saw Danny put the key back under the mat before closing the door, and sighed. By this point, Alex wasn’t even sure who used the spare key and who had made their own copies. The spare key had actually been Jack’s idea, he remembered.

“Jack, I think you miscounted how many keys to make copies of?” Alex had asked, eyebrow furrowed.

“No, I didn’t!” Jack answered happily. “One for me, one for you, and one for the mat!”

“The mat?” Alex asked, still confused.

“Yeah, in case one of us forgets ours or let’s say, our friends need a place to crash if they’ve been out drinking. Our place is closer to the city than most of theirs.”

Alex blinked, a smile coming across his face. “That’s actually really smart. Thanks for thinking about that,” he’d laughed, handing the extra key to Jack to put under the mat.

Alex sighed, bringing himself back to the present. He made his way up to the bedroom, the dogs by his feet the whole way. He laid in the bed, looking up at the ceiling that Jack had insisted he paint. He could still remember walking in on his fiancé, painting a starry sky, complete with the second star to the right as he very horrifically sang ‘Somewhere in Neverland.’ Alex had just stood in the doorway and watched, laughing when Jack finally realized he was there and almost fell off the ladder.

Alex groaned to himself, he hated how much he missed Jack. He couldn’t help it though. For as long as he could remember, they were inseparable. He loved that tall idiot more than words could have described, both as the best friend he ever had and as his soul mate. Alex cried himself to sleep that night, and dreamed of the last time he saw Jack.

“Oh, so what, you’re just going to give me the cold shoulder?” Alex remarked. He could swear sometimes he was engaged to a teenage girl. Whenever they were in a fight, Jack would get in a mood and not acknowledge his existence. “Jack, seriously, I’m sorry. But you don’t need to act like a bitch about it, I mean—”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence, because Jack stood up from the lounger and got up in his face. “Acting like a bitch? I’m acting like a bitch? Goddammit, Alex, you always do this. You do something really fucking stupid and the only time I can get you to acknowledge you did something wrong is when I sit here and ignore you for an hour! And then you’ll apologize and say it’ll never happen again but then you go do something again, not caring how it even hurts me.” Alex had opened his mouth and gaped like a fish at that point. Jack was right, he knew Jack was right, but he didn’t even know what to say to make it better now. “And now you’re the silent one. Just let that sink in, I’m going.”

“Going where?” Alex managed to get out after Jack shrugged his coat on and grabbed his keys.

“Anywhere that you aren’t.” And that was it. That was the last time he saw him. All his things left in the house, car gone and Jack wouldn’t come back. And now it was a year later, Alex couldn’t even remember what they’d been fighting about – or what they ever fought about – but he could only remember missing Jack.

The next morning, he called Zack up. Needless to say, his friend was surprised that Alex was taking the first step to talk to anyone, and was more shocked at what he was asking him to do.

“You want me to take you…there? Really?” he asked incredulously.

Alex nodded before remembering they were on the phone. “Yeah, really.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in 5.”

The ride there wasn’t a long one, but Zack constantly asked if Alex was sure he wanted to do this. He knew this could either be really positive or negative for his friend. After countless reassurances from Alex, Zack nodded and drove up as close as he could get. He parked his car and got out, leaning against the hood. “I’ll wait here. You should probably do this on your own, but if you need me, just motion for me.”

Alex nodded, taking a deep breath. He gave a sad smile to his burly friend and began walking. When he got there, he kneeled, placing a bouquet of flowers on the dirt and looking at the stone.

Jack Barakat
Beloved son, brother, fiancé, and friend.
June 18, 1988 - June 25, 2012

Alex could already feel the tears coming, but he knew he had to do this. “Hey, Jacky…I’m sorry I haven’t been around to visit. It’s just…it’s so hard. I know, it’s my fault you were out on the street that night. I shouldn’t have let you walk out like that. I miss you so much, Jack. We all do. I know you know that, your family, Zack and Rian and the crew, all our friends…they’ve been to visit you. They probably tell you they miss you. But I just…I hate this. I hate that I caused this, and that now I’m left to deal with the consequence…I’m here all alone, I’m living in a house way too big for just me, a house we wanted to adopt kids and raise them in, but I can’t get rid of the house, Jack. I can’t do it, it was going to be our home.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes before going on. “Everyone tells me that you can’t come back, and obviously I know that, you’re d—you’re gone for good. But I don’t want to think of you as gone for good. I can’t. I barely have strength to go on as it is, I’d have nothing if I didn’t hold on to that false hope that you can come back to me…So, as ridiculous as it is…I’ll be waiting. I’m still in the house, still not looking for anyone else. That key is still under the mat for you and I’ll have Home Alone ready with marshmallow fluff and your favorite kind of tea. I’ll be waiting for you, Jack. I love you…”

He took a deep breath before standing up. He turned to Zack and nodded, heading back to his friend. He took one last look at the gravestone before throwing his arms around Zack’s big shoulders and sobbing into his chest. Zack held him back, rubbing his back soothingly as he waited for Alex to calm down. After a moment, he pulled away and nodded up at his friend. “Okay. I think I’m ready to go home.”

That night, Alex put on Home Alone, scooped marshmallow fluff out of the container, and drank two cups of tea with honey, falling asleep to the illusion that Jack could still come home to him.