I'm Happy if You're Happy with Yourself

"Alex! Alex, dude, you're zoning out again," Rian said to his best friend, hoping to snap Alex out of his little trance he gets in every now and again. To Alex, though, Rian's voice just sounded distant.

When Rian's multiple attempts at trying to get Alex to pay attention again didn't work, Zack ended up poking him multiple times in his side and eventually Alex came back to Earth.

"Stop poking me!" Alex finally yelled a little too loudly in the small school cafeteria they were in. Alex never really knew he had zoned out until he came back to reality, so he didn't understand why Zack was poking him; he didn't intend to come off rude. His face softened when he realized what happened, and he just sighed.

"I zoned out again, didn't I?" he asked his friends who just nodded. My friends must think I'm a freak, Alex thought to himself. Little did he know, they thought the complete opposite. They were simply worried about their best friend. It wasn't normal for people to just zone out the way he did, and they just wished they knew what he would think about that would cause it to happen.

Alex looked at his phone, seeing they only had 15 minutes left of lunch as he had wasted about 15 zoning out. "Alex, eat," Rian said, pushing Alex's food tray towards him.

"I'm not hungry," Alex simply replied. Rian just sighed and started talking to Zack, which left Alex in his own little world again.

Alex wouldn't consider himself anorexic. He liked food, he really did. He just hasn't been hungry at all lately. He figured it was maybe his depression that caused this, and he was probably right. Alex was definitely getting a little too skinny, though, and it was noticeable. His friends didn't want to call him out on it, so they just tried little things to help him, like with Rian pushing him his food.

As Alex thought more and more, probably too in-depth like he always did, he started to wonder if other people thought he was a freak. Did they think he was anorexic? "Oh God, what if they think I am? I'm not!" Alex thought to himself. He was letting his negative thoughts take control of him, and he knew it. He knew what he'd end up doing, and he knew he should probably start focusing on something else. "Okay, puppies, cute little puppies, good food," he thought to himself, trying to think of good thoughts. "Happy people, cute guys... wait no don't think of cute guys! You're gay but you don't have to act so gay! People must think I'm a fucking freak! I'm probably the only gay kid in the school. Oh God, I'm such a freak."

Alex couldn't control it anymore. He ran to the bathroom, his only thoughts being that he was such a freak. It was like he wasn't even in control of his body as he ran inside the nearest stall, pushed down the toilet seat, sat down, and pulled out his little blade he always kept with him for times like these. Alex hastily slid down his pants just enough so that he could get to his upper thigh. He liked cutting there because no one would ever see it. He took a deep breath and dragged the sharp blade across his smooth skin, exhaling when he saw the blood that gave him comfort trickling down his thigh. Alex didn't know why, but he liked the way blood looked as it seeped out of his new wound.

He dragged the blade across his skin a few more times, finally being satisfied after he made about 10 more cuts. Alex looked down at his fresh wounds on top of his old scars. He must have had hundreds of them. And they make me even uglier than I already am, he thought.

Alex made sure he never cut too deep; he wanted an easy clean up job, and he knew he might pass out or something if he did. As if passing out wasn't bad enough, then the people who found him would find out his biggest secret, and they'd spread it around to everyone, and oh God, Alex was horrified of that. In all honesty, he'd rather die than have people find out about what he did to himself.

Alex was snapped out of his little trance again as the sound of the school bell rang, signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of another shitty history class. He hated history, it was his worst subject. He especially hated the people in his class, but then again, he didn't actually know them. He just hated them because he hated anyone who wasn't Zack or Rian.

Not really bothering with being safe and cleaning his cuts, Alex just ripped off a piece of toilet paper and held it down onto his cuts for about a minute; they didn't really bleed that much. When he decided the bleeding had stopped, Alex pulled up his pants, grabbed his bag, and walked out of the bathroom and down the hallway and to his next class nonchalantly; like he didn't just have another break down. He hated pretending that he was fine when he wasn't, but what else was he going to do?

Alex walked into the classroom and sat down just as the bell rang. He silently thanked God he wasn't late because if he was he would've had to deal with the wrath of Mr. Flyzik, a man who shows no mercy and does not believe in kindness towards others. Mr. Flyzik took attendance, turned on the projector, and went right to discussing the new chapter they were beginning. Alex zoned out the second he started talking, so he had no idea what it was even about. Maybe ancient Egypt, but then again it could be the Middle Ages. He didn't know or care, to be quite honest.

As Alex zoned out, he didn't really think about anything so much as just not pay attention. He did that a lot actually. There was only so much you could think about for so long, so he usually just found himself staring off into space thinking of practically nothing but when the class would be over. As Alex stared at what he thought was nothing, he faintly heard a cough and a "can I help you?" coming from a voice he definitely recognized. And that voice belonged to none other than Jack Barakat, the star quarterback of the school.