I'm Happy if You're Happy with Yourself

"Dude? What are you staring at?" The voice asked. Oh right, the voice. The voice of Jack fucking Barakat.

Way to go Gaskarth, I thought to myself. You just had to go zoning out and you've ended up staring at the star quarterback of the school. Way to fucking go.

"Oh, I uh... Sorry, I was j-just zoning out," Alex replied. More like tried to reply, though, he thought to himself. God I must have sounded so pathetic.

As Alex thought too much about the situation as per usual, he found himself surprised that Jack wasn't laughing at him by now. A guy of his social status would surely look down on someone like Alex, or so you would think. Someone like Alex, meaning a nobody who barely had any friends. A nobody who most people picked on because he was gay; he was the odd one out. But Jack never did start laughing at him. He gave Alex a weird look. Alex couldn't exactly tell what it was; he was never good at reading people's facial expressions, but from what he could tell he looked... confused maybe? Alex didn't know, but at least it wasn't a mocking or judgmental look, and he wasn't laughing.

After Jack stopped giving him that confused kind of look, he just simply said "It's fine," and turned back around in his seat one over and two up from Alex's. He left him quite confused and especially embarrassed. Wouldn't you be embarrassed if you were just caught staring at the star fucking quarterback? Of course you would! But what made it worse was that Alex really didn't mean to stare at him. He just zones out a lot; he can't help that. He can't help where he ends up staring. It just happens.

What if he thinks I'm some sort of gay freak who has a big crush on him now? And that my only excuse for staring was that I zoned out, Alex thought to himself. I bet he didn't even believe me. He probably does think I'm a freak. I couldn't blame him, though. He'd be right in thinking that. I am a freak.

Alex couldn't help but continue thinking that he was such a freak. His thoughts somehow always led back to this. He'd always do something, whether it be to himself or just a simple accident, that would always make him think bad about himself. He'd keep thinking more negatively until he ended up thinking he was a freak. It happened every single time something happened, and half the time he was the only one who found what he had done weird. He could trip up the stairs, even when he was alone in his house, and start thinking he was a freak. Alex sometimes wished he wouldn't do this to himself all the time, but he couldn't help it. It's just... what he did and who he was.

Sometimes Alex wished that someone would say something when he zoned out. Not like when Jack just interrupted him; no, that was embarrassing If he was at his lunch table with Rian and Zack, he would want them to just interrupt him, just once, and ask what's wrong. They can't possibly think that what he does is normal, can they? Maybe they just don't care enough to ask, he thought. I bet even my own best friends think I'm a freak...

Everything was become too overwhelming for Alex. Sure, you may not think the situation is overwhelming, but Alex was known to overreact, so this basically felt like the end of the world. He slowly raised a shaky hand up high, waiting to be called on by his teacher. He hoped no one would notice how worried he looked or how much he was shaking; that would make him feel even worse.

"What is it, Alex?" Mr. Flyzik asked with a sigh. I swear to go he better let me go to the bathroom, Alex thought. Well, here goes nothing.

"C-can I go to the b-bathroom?" Alex asked his teacher with a shaky and unstable voice. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, and he just prayed no one would ask why or what was wrong.

Mr. Flyzik could obviously tell something was wrong, but being the rude bastard he was, he didn't care to ask what. "Yes, hurry up," he answered in an irritated tone.

"Douchebag," Alex muttered under his breath as he got up to go to the bathroom; he honestly didn't care if his teacher heard because he was a douchebag and deserved to know. To be quite honest, Alex secretly hoped his teacher heard him, but he even if he did he said nothing as Alex walked out the door of the classroom.

The classroom Alex was in was thankfully close to the bathroom, so he had about a good five minutes until Mr. Flyzik got impatient and sent someone to get him. Alex walked as quickly as possible to the bathroom, and as soon as he got there he ran in a stall and locked the door. Pulling out his razor, Alex slid down the wall of the stall and stared at the blade for a bit. He wondered if doing this was worth it. Worth the constant worrying that someone will see his cuts; worth the scars that will last for years. The scars. The scars that made him who he was. A freak.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, Alex believed cutting was worth it. He was a freak, and he deserved it. He deserved the pain. He deserved any rude and questioning looks he would get from people who saw his cuts and didn't understand him. He deserved it all because he was a freak, and he knew nothing would change his mind.

Alex sighed, hastily pulling down his pants just enough to have access to his hip. He had to hurry; he probably already wasted a minute or two lost in his thoughts. Alex dragged the blade across his skin in a straight line on his left hip. He usually cut on his right hip, but he just had the period before. He didn't press too hard, but he pressed hard enough to draw a bit of blood. Alex wasn't satisfied. He liked blood, and he wanted to see more. He cut again under his previous cut, only this time he pressed down a bit harder. He winced at the pain; he didn't usually press this hard, but he was pleased when the pretty red blood slowly trickled out of his new wound. He looked at the cut for a second, deciding whether or not to do it again.

Ready to drag the blade across his skin one more time, Alex stopped abruptly when he heard the bathroom door open. Fuck, he thought. Has it been 5 minutes already?

Alex scrambled up to his feet, not bothering to pick up his jeans just yet. He heard footsteps coming closer, and Alex started to panic. He sat down on the toilet seat so maybe whoever Mr. Flyzik sent would think he was going to the bathroom. In a matter of seconds there was a knock on the bathroom stall. Even though he was expecting it, Alex still jumped at the sound. His anxiety rose, and he knew he was just overreacting again, but Alex couldn't help but be horrified and think that whoever this is will see his cuts and tell everyone.

"Hello? Are you okay in there? Mr. Flyzik said that you need to hurry up," the voice said. Oh fuck, Alex thought. It was Jack fucking Barakat. Alex felt so fucking uncomfortable. He was just caught staring at him, and now he's so close to being caught hurting himself.

"Um, yeah I'm f-fine. I'll b-be out in a minute," Alex replied, his anxiety evident in his voice. Alex could hear Jack sigh. Why would he be sighing? Alex should be the one sighing.

"You don't sound fine," Jack said. "What's wrong?" Now it was Alex's turn to sigh. He quickly wiped his cuts with toilet paper and pulled up his jeans. He knew they didn't stop bleeding, but there was nothing he could do about it now. Alex opened the door and walked out of the stall, almost hitting Jack because he was so close to the door. He mumbled a quick sorry before Jack tried pushing for answers.

"Well?" He tried. Alex sighed yet again. He really didn't feel like talking to this guy right now. Hell, he was surprised Jack wasn't laughing at him or calling him a "fag" or something.

"Look, my stomach just hurt, okay?" Alex replied with all the confidence he could muster. He pushed back Jack, who was now guarding the door to leave the bathroom, and left to go back to class. Jack was left dumbfounded in the bathroom; he knew something was wrong. But then again, it wasn't any of his business. If this kid didn't want to tell him what was wrong, then Jack shouldn't make him. Sighing, which he seemed to do often lately, Jack walked out of the bathroom and went back to class, noticing Alex had already got there. Well, he must have been in a hurry, Jack thought.