Lashing Out

Thoughts circling my mind* Because of you I have to hurt every single day! I hate myself for never being good enough. I was never kind enough, skinny enough, I was never perfect! Fuck you! All I have ever wanted was love, your pure honest everlasting love and you screwed me over! I hate you so fucking much. I hate you for making me hate myself! I wish I never met you. Maybe I could have actually learned to love myself and others. Every day I have to try to love this man who is nothing but kind to me and you made me a scared weakling who can never trust a guy! Thanks a lot you asshole.

*2 hours later*

I just want to cut. It would make my life so much easier, I wouldn't have to have all of these emotions just build up inside me! My grandma has those pills. I wonder if I would feel the bullet hit my throbbing skull as it pierces my cranium? Would I go to heaven? Is there even a God. He wouldn't want me. No one ever wants me. I'm nothing. "You are NOTHING! Do it! Fucking do it!!!!!" I can't, I'm weak. I'm pathetic. He know's it. God why did he spend all that time pretending he cared. Maybe he wants to be an actor, he sure was good at it. I wonder if he would notice that I was gone. No one would.

"Go cry you little bitch! Cry like the weakling you fucking are! Look down at your wrists, then look at your fat thighs! Your cuts are pathetic! You should have cut deeper you dumb ass. How can anyone be so stupid! You're never going to get anywhere, better start spreading those legs wide like you would always do for him."

I hate myself so much.