Lashing Out

I want to die.....It's just that simple. I hate that I'm never good enough for my friend or family. My six year old cousin asked me about my scars. I didn't know how to react! It tore me apart knowing that my little cousin has to see me covered in scars from all my defeated battles. I have a new razor, I haven't used it yet. "Dear God, why can't I just be with you? I hate it here. I hate not being happy. What the hell did I do wrong?"

I am so mean to my mom. I fight with her all the time. I'm not 100% sure why. I think I'm mad at her for not having a better life for herself. She could have lived her life full of happiness and I wouldn't have to live mine wishing I was dead. "Take that fucking razor out of the back of your phone, put it up to your neck! You fucking pathetic bitch DO IT!"

I hate crying, it makes me feel even more pathetic and weak than usual. I wish I could be in some tragic accident; car crash, house fire, school shooting... I wouldn't want anyone else to get hurt of course. i just hate every breathe I take. "I don't deserve this?!? I'm stealing an important person's air! I'm really selfish. No wonder people hate me."

I don't know why I don't just man up and kill myself already...