Strong Enough

Sneaking quietly down the stairs, I met Mia in my car outside Paul’s house. Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but that’s what it is. I waited until he fell asleep and sent her a text asking her to come get me and promising to make it up to her.

Upon sliding into the seat, I was met with a very pointed glare. Honestly, I’ve never seen that look on her face before. I turned away, and looked at the French manicure on my nails. I heard a heavy sigh and felt the car shift into gear before she pulled back onto the road.

We pulled into the McDonald’s drive thru where she ordered some coffee for us and ice cream for herself, on my dime of course. This was the routine for us. I did something stupid, she’d pick me up and I’d buy her whatever she wanted at the fast food restaurant that was open.

Rather than making the drive back to the house, she pulled into a parking space, turned off the car and began eating the ice cream in her hands. I could feel her eyes on me, but I don’t know if I could face her. This time felt different.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” She finally spoke. Her words were quiet but by no means were they timid. “First of all, this isn’t Vegas. Your mother is freakishly scary when she’s asking about you. I didn’t have anything to tell them. Secondly, did you even try to talk to Bryden? Because the only thing I saw was you acting like a whore leaving with some guy you don’t even know. You’re not in college anymore. You’re not a stupid teenager. You need to pull your head out of your ass and grow the fuck up. I thought you weren’t going to do this shit anymore. Damn it, JD.”

Oh, she was so mad at me. And the worse thing was she was completely right. I was acting like a stupid girl. What was I thinking?

“I’m sorry I pulled you into this. I was going to talk to him, or I was thinking about it, but then he said something completely idiotic and I couldn’t. Then I met Paul and I wasn’t going to do anything. But I saw Bryden with some slutty girl and my brain stopped working. I just wanted to make him feel as sucky as I did, I guess.”

“That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. Including the time you thought the University of Pheonix was in Arizona.”

“Hey, it’s an honest mistake.” I let a small smile grace my lips. “Look, I’m going to deal with this, I am. But you have to let me do it in my own time and my own way. I know I can’t avoid this forever.”

“There’s my genius best friend! I missed her.” She hugged me over the center console and a smile took over her face when she pulled back. “Come on. You’re Jacquelyn Walker. You’re a Vegas model. You’ve met celebrities and been a VIP. You can handle your high school sweetheart.”

There was definitely a reason Mia was my best friend. She didn’t hold grudges and she always knew just what to say. The drive home was filled with soft music from the radio and a comfortable silence. I didn’t know what would happen over the next four days, but I knew I’d have to talk to him, and unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to be drunk.

***

The next day we didn’t get out of bed until ten. When you come home at three in the morning, waking up at 7 or 8 seems a bit ridiculous. Plus we didn’t have to be at the studio until noon.
Mia and I meandered around the kitchen before settling on cereal for breakfast. As we sat with our bowls of fruit loops, my mom made her appearance.

“Did you ladies just wake up?”

“What gave it away? The cereal or the pajamas?” I smiled coyly at her.

“That mouth of yours is going to get you into trouble.” She moved through the kitchen doing various things as we talked.

“Oh, Momma. My mouth has already gotten me into trouble. Luckily, it’s also rather skilled at getting me out of trouble.”

“I raised a wild child, didn’t I? What happened to my baby girl who wore pink dresses and liked to hula hoop?”

“She grew up, started picking out her own clothes and got a life.” I finished off the last of my cereal and moved to rinse the dishes at the sink.

“As long as my wild child is being smart and safe.” I felt a hand spank my ass.

“Mom! That is precious cargo you’re manhandling.” I was surprised. My mom was usually so reserved.

“I’m not the first one and we all know it. So are you being safe?” I finally caught the look in her knowing eyes.

“Shit, Momma. I’m 23. We don’t need to have the sex talk.” I covered my ears like a small child. “Wait, why are you even asking? We never talk about this.” I picked up the bowl again from the sink and started washing it.

“Oh, honey, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know all about the things you did and do when you think I’m not looking.”

“And you didn’t stop me?”

“No, you needed to make your own choices. I taught you what I could, but I can’t give you experience. I was always around to help if you needed me, but you never seemed to. As long as you didn’t end up pregnant, in the hospital or dead, I kept to myself.”

“How much do you know?

“Everything.” She placed a kiss to my forehead. “Also, you really shouldn’t be taking so many lingerie jobs. You know the whole world doesn’t need to see everything God gave you.”
With that she made her exit. I was stunned standing by the sink, a half-washed cereal bowl dripping soapy water onto the floor. She’s known the whole time? She let me think she had no idea. She knew about all the sit I did?

My jaw was slack and I didn’t even know how to react. Of course Mia knew just how to react. She was practically rolling on the floor, laughing like a mad woman. It took her a while to calm down.

“Dude, your mom is a boss! I like her so much more now.”

“Shut up.” I offered her my hand and pulled her off the ground before shoving her upstairs to get ready.

***

We got to the studio just before noon. It looked exactly as I remembered. Old records on the walls. Pictures of the different bands and artists who’d recorded there. It even smelled the same—like old cigarettes and Jasmine perfume. I don’t really know how that combination came to be, and I felt like that was a positive aspect to my life.

Following the soft sounds of music, Mia and I snuck back to the recording rooms. We found Rylan and Tommy sitting in front of a sound board, headphones on, listening very intently to the music. I really should have expected it, but when I realized Bryden was seated on a stool inside the booth, I just about cried. He was everywhere!

Slumping down onto the couch behind the boys, I let out a sigh. I closed my eyes and reminded myself that I had to deal with this. I was stronger than this.

After a short pep-talk, I finally tuned in to the music. He’d just started singing a new song as we walked in, and I couldn’t lie—it was good. Dammit.

“You were my fire—so I burned ‘til there was nothing left of me. I—I touched your face. I held you close ‘til I could barely breathe. Why give me hope, then give me up just to be the death of me. Save the rest of me.

“‘Cause I see you, but I can’t feel you anymore—So go away! I need you, but I can’t need you anymore—you hesitate.

“Now—now and then you come around like there’s something left for me. We were one. We were everything. I’m still here, but I’ll just keep the rest of me.

“‘Cause I see you, but I can’t feel you anymore—So go away! I need you, but I can’t need you anymore—you hesitate.

“We never made it. You hesitated. I don’t believe.

“That I see you, but I can’t feel you anymore—So go away! I need you, but I can’t need you anymore—you hesitate. ‘Cause I see you, but I can’t feel you anymore—So go away! I need you, but I can’t need you anymore—you hesitate.

“You were my fire—so I burned. Now, there’s nothing left of me.”

There was a pause after the music finished before Rylan spoke.

“That was awesome, Dude. Seriously, you’re on point lately.”

“Well look what the cat dragged in. Little Miss Model and her sexy photo-taking friend.” Tommy spun around in his chair.

“Smooth.” I laughed as he flipped me off. “We’re here to get this shit done and make your sorry asses look good. You should be nice to me.”

“Nah, I’m the pain in the ass. Ry’s the responsible one.” Tommy wouldn’t stop spinning in the chair. It was like he was five again. Then again, he was a perpetual child, so no surprise there.

“So what’s the plan boss lady?” Rylan looked at Mia as Bryden made his way out of the sound booth.

“Well I figure we’ll get some shots off you guys working in here. We can use some shots of Bryden in the booth, maybe. Then we’ll get to the posing shit with JD.

“JD?” Bryden looked at me questioningly.

“Jack Daniels. The bitch can drink.” Mia spoke up before taking over. She fixed the lighting in the room and tried to get them to focus and be serious, but that was asking way too much.

“Jacqui, I need you to go in and sing or something so they can actually focus and fix the levels. They already have everything set for Bryden’s voice, so this isn’t working.

I sent her a glare as I smiled sweetly and made my way into the booth.
The microphone between the room and the booth was on, luckily, so I didn’t have to explain my presence. I pulled up a stool to the extra microphone in the booth, and started singing the first thing that came to my mind.

“I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open, and I don’t feel like I am strong enough. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.” Bryden joined in somewhere in the chorus, but I didn’t care at that point. I was getting my pain out in the only way I could right now. I wanted him to know how I felt when he gave up on us.

“The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. There’s so much left to learn and no one left to fight. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open, and I don’t feel like I am strong enough. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.

“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open, and I don’t feel like I am strong enough. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”

We stopped singing, I hoped to God that Mia got the shots she wanted. Bryden’s eyes caught mine, but I didn’t want to have this moment with him. Not right now.

I pushed off the stool and brushed passed him to the door. I was grateful he didn’t try to stop me. If he had, I don’t know how I would have kept the tears from falling.