Memories That Make Me Smile

We sat upon the lush, green grass, running our fingers through the blades. The only sound was the sound of the light breeze flowing through the tree above us. This was our favourite place to go; the only place we really felt at home together. Dylan leaned over and tucked a small piece of my chocolate brown hair behind my ear and smiled at me. “You’re beautiful.” Instead of kissing me on the mouth like I wished he would, he placed his large, calloused hand over mine, locking his fingers into the spaces between my fingers. He brought our hands up to his soft, pink lips and kissed the knuckle of each finger. We both sighed gently as he lowered our hands back to the ground. I could spend an eternity this way. He was all I needed to be truly happy. Without warning, our peacefully silence was shattered. A rather small, toe-headed boy ran up to us, shouting whatever babble someone of his age spoke. Suddenly, he jumped on top of me, straddling my hips with his tan, chubby legs. “Mommy! Mommy wake up!” I gripped his sides, moving to detach him from me but Dylan stopped me. He brushed his hand through the boy’s pale hair and kissed me. “Grace, you need to wake up now, love. You have to take care of Liam.” “What?” “I love you baby.” “I-“

“Mommy! First day of school! First day of school! Wake up silly head!” Two small hands poked at my cheeks relentlessly. The owner of those hands leaned down and placed a sloppy, wet kiss on my face. Finally, I woke up, realizing what was happening. It was just a dream. The same dream I had every night. “Hey, baby!” I leaned forward, tickling my son’s exposed belly. His giggle was music to my ears and woke me up better than a cup of coffee. “First day of school, mommy!” “Oh, really?” “Yeah! I go to Ken-de-gaden today!” “Well then, we better get ready!” I looked at the clock and we still had about an hour to go until he had to be at the bus stop. We both crawled out of bed and he helped me make it before flinging himself into my arms. “Nana made me breakfast!” He said it as if he just remembered, which he probably did. “She did? Oh well, what did she give you?” “Waffles!” I worried my lip in thought before smiling at him. My mom was always forgetting to give him the food that I specifically bought for him. I wanted him to healthy in every way possible so he wouldn’t end up like his dad. That would break me entirely. “They had little crunchies in them and I didn’t like it. But she said it was organy and it would make me big and strong like Batman!” He flashed me his muscles and grinned. He looked exactly like Dylan. “Ooh, you’re almost there, big guy! Just a little more crunchies and you’ll be bigger than Batman! Did you tell Nana ‘thank you’?” His eyes instantly darted to the ground and he played with a frayed string of his pajama bottoms, causing me to shake my head. “Liam! Why don’t you go tell her ‘thank you’ while I get ready, huh?” I kissed his nose and set him to his feet and he darted out of the room.

Every day was harder than the next. The more Liam grew, the more he reminded me of Dylan. I could barely see myself in him; it was as if I wasn’t even his mother. If I didn’t carry him for nine and a half months and spent five hours in labor, I would swear he didn’t have any of my genes. I missed Dylan with every ounce of my being but I promised him I would be strong for Liam. I wished he could be here to see just how smart and wonderful our little boy was, but I had to find comfort in knowing that he was looking down on him and cheering on every achievement he made. The best I could do was praise him enough for the both of us and raise him to be an amazing gentleman.

I pulled my blue satin nightgown over my head and threw it into the hamper, looking into the mirror. When did I get so old? Well, twenty five wasn’t old, but being thrust into parenthood- alone- when I was barely an adult made me feel at least ten years older than I was. My cheeks had lost their cherub-y glow, my eyes didn’t shine quite as bright as they used to. I was unappealing. No guy would be attracted to me even if I wanted him to. I pushed my fingers against my cheeks, sighing. My heart would always belong to Dylan but sometimes I wished I had someone to at least keep me company. I didn’t have any friends. I went to school and I came home to be with Liam. If someone from class asked me to go out with them to the club or a bar, I had no choice but to say no. I hadn’t been “out on the town” in years. I didn’t even know if I had it in me anymore. I rummaged through all of my drawers looking for something at least semi-decent to wear to offset how unattractive I was feeling. Settling on a light grey tank top and snug fitting jeans, I walked into Liam’s room to pick up his outfit.

A toy truck collided with my ankle and I turned around to find a boy hiding in the corner, giggling like crazy. “Come here, crazy boy.” He bound over to me and jumped up onto his bed, holding his arms out for his shirt. Liam slipped his hands through the sleeves of his light blue button up and attempted to fit the buttons in their respective holes as I yanked down his pajama shorts. When I started to pull his underwear down to change it, he shied away from me. “Mommy, don’t see me!” Well, that was new. “Why?” “I just don’t want you to see me!” “But babe, I’ve seen all your parts before. I washed those parts ever since you were a wee little thing.” “I know but don’t see me! Turn around!” “Fine. Just hurry up.” I crossed my arms and turned around. What was wrong with him? He had never done this before now. Did he watch something on TV without me knowing where someone didn’t want someone to see him or her? “Okay, I’m done, Mommy!”

We brushed our teeth in the bathroom, making funny faces in the mirror. “Hey Mom, why do you have red hair?” The toothpaste in his mouth collided with the reflective glass and I told him to spit it out, handing him a small cup to rinse with. “I dyed it last week, remember? It was brown but I coloured it so now it’s red.” I smiled at him as I cleaned the mirror off. I picked the brush up and started to brush his hair while he continued to make silly faces, making me laugh. “Why do I have yellow hair?” That, I didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t every day that a half-Mexican, half-Italian child was born with blonde hair. Sighing, I fixed it and set the brush down. “Sometimes the angels give mommies special babies. They’re different than other babies and they’re special gifts given to the mommies. These babies have special yellow hair like you.” “So, I’m a special present from the angels?!” He beamed from ear to ear, his smile the same as his father’s. “Of course, baby. You’re the most special one ever.” I kissed his forehead and brought him into the kitchen to finish getting him ready.

Before Liam skipped onto the yellow bus in front of him, I pinned his nametag to his shirt, my eyes watering. “Why are you crying?” His chubby hands squeezed my cheeks, tilting my head slightly so I could look at him. “Because I’m going to miss you, bud!” “I’ll miss you too!” He pressed his lips to mine and then turned around, following the line of kids up the bus stairs and into the first seat. He pressed his face against the glass and waved at me vigorously. I waved back, pushing my fingers against my mouth and blowing him a kiss. This was the second toughest day of my life. The first being when I lost Dylan. Now it felt like I was losing Liam and I didn’t know what to do. I felt truly alone and empty inside. I had my mom waiting for me at our house of course, but it wasn’t the same. All I had to do was get through my one class for the day and then I would be able to pick him up from school. This was going to be a dreadfully long day.

Wiping my eyes and fixing my makeup, I made my way up the elementary school steps to finally pick Liam up. A teacher held his hand as they walked down the hallway and when he saw me, he burst into a run. His body collided with mine and I finally felt whole again. “Hey, baby!” The entire time I walked him to the car, he raved about how amazing school was. At least he was having a good time; it made me feel a little better. “How about we go to the market to make a special ‘First Day of Ken-de-gaden lunch, huh?” “Yeah! Yeah! Mommy, it was so cool! We had snack time and we ate crackers with peanut butter on them! Oh, it was so yummy!” Luckily, before school had started, I had a conversation with his teacher about how I wanted him to be healthy and she assured me that she felt the same way and only fed the kids organic snacks. He continued to babble all the way to the market. He was talking so fast, I was having a hard time catching everything he was saying. Luckily, he didn’t quiz me on it after like he liked to do sometimes.

When we arrived to the store, Liam instantly rushed to the candy aisle, yanking my hand to have me follow him. “Fine, Liam. You can pick one candy. But you can’t eat it until after you eat all of your lunch, okay?” He nodded his head so fast I was afraid it was going to fall off. Out of all the choices, he picked out a plain chocolate bar and smirked at me, placing it into the basket. We walked around the store, grabbing various things to make our special lunch. When we went to get his favourite chocolate milk, he sped off again. There were a lot of people in the dairy aisle, making me cringe. “Liam, no! Stop running!” As soon as I reached him, he collided into someone’s leg. “Woah! Hey buddy!” The man leaned down and helped Liam up, shooting me a grin. I was taken aback and when he greeted me, I just stood there. When he got Liam to his feet, he scurried over to me, gripping onto my leg. This man looked exactly like Dylan. So much that I thought it was him. It couldn’t be, could it?

“Hi. I’m Jaime.”