Memories That Make Me Smile

“Oh.” My hands shook as I pushed myself into a sitting position to sit against the headboard. The long shirt I was wearing rode up and bunched around my waist, making me uncomfortable. “Uh- yeah. I’m so sorry. I lied about having a boyfriend. I don’t. I haven’t had one in quite a while.” I toyed with the idea of telling him about Dylan, ultimately deciding that it was too fragile a subject to be discussed over the phone. I was too fragile a person to discuss it without breaking down, especially when it involved telling someone who reminded me so much of him. “I was just being friendly, Grace.” He sighed and I heard him shift around through the phone. My mind wandered as I listened to him. I couldn’t help but wonder where he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it with. For all I knew, he had a significant other as well. In my plight to expel him from my life, I was too quick to judge him. It wasn’t fair to Jaime and I instantly felt guiltier than before.

“I know. I just-“ The words jumbled in my brain and I had to take a moment to sort them out before I continued. “It’s been so long since I let someone be friendly towards me, Jaime.” “Why is that?” Why is that, Grace? Why have you become so cold towards everyone but your son? “I’m not entirely sure.” Maybe it had something to do with my overbearing fear of someone I loved leaving me again. Dylan died, leaving me all alone with our child to take care of. I couldn’t bear to have that happen to me again; I could barely handle it now. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out.” He whispered before I heard a door close and the calming sound of the outside air. He must have stepped outside for some reason.

“No, no. It’s okay. You didn’t freak me out.” Unconsciously, I got out of bed and made my way out the sliding glass door to the balcony in nothing but my nightshirt. Something inside me wanted to be close to him, to feel what he was feeling. If I was outside, I would be able to feel that. I would be able to connect to him in a way other than the feeling of Dylan residing within him. “It’s late Grace. Maybe we should go to sleep. We can-“ “I can’t sleep.” I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously. The pit inside of me couldn’t bear to get off the phone with him. It craved him; it needed him to fill the void that Dylan left inside of me. The void that I thought could never be filled. He laughed on the other end of the line and I could tell he was smiling. I smiled as well, the image of his face tattooing itself in my mind. It was so familiar and I tried my hardest to pick out the differences between Jaime’s face and Dylan’s in order to plant the seed separately in my mind. “I can’t either.”

We talked for hours and before we knew it, it was far to late to carry on conversation. Before we hung up the phone, Jaime asked me once again to take me out to lunch. He explained that he wanted to get to know me more- as a friend- and it was much easier to do in person. I explained that I was available on Saturday but I had to talk to my mother about watching Liam. Almost instantly, he insisted that Liam go with us. Cautiously, I agreed and sighed, standing up to step back into my room. “Goodnight, Jaime.” “Goodnight, Grace. I’ll see you on Saturday.”

Saturday rolled around and Jaime texted me the address of the place we would be meeting. While my mom got Liam ready, I packed his lunch, knowing that we probably wouldn’t go to a place with the best food. Not that I didn’t have faith in the restaurant Jaime picked out, Liam was just on a strict diet. I would die if he ate something out of the ordinary and got sick because of it. I vowed that I would take care of him- that I would never let anything bad happen to him- and I intended to keep that promise. As I put the baggies of food into his little backpack, he came running down the hallway with my mom hot on his trail, trying to run a brush though his blonde hair. “Mommy, where are we going?” “Remember Jaime?” I asked, setting him down on the counter so his unruly hair can finally be tamed. “Yeah! Oh my goodness, he’s so cool!” He went on to rant and rave about how he had wonderful painted skin and it was something he had never seen before. “Mommy! Can I get pictures on my arm like He-me?” My eyes widened and I tickled him to show that I was being playful, even though I was being very serious. “No, silly! Well, maybe when you’re.. eighty-nine!”

“Yay! Mommy said I could get pictures on my arms when I’m eighty-nine!” He squirmed around until I let him down, completely forgetting that he had asked me where we were going only moments ago. With a sigh, I grabbed everything else we needed and herded him to the door. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him and surprise him with the man who had instantly become his favourite person. Well, second favourite person. I hoped. If Jaime surpassed me in the favourite person category I would surely have to fight him for the death for the number one spot. I was Liam’s mother after all. Liam skipped down to the car and hopped in, his jean jacket billowing around him in the mid-afternoon wind. This time, he actually got the top latch buckled before calling to me for help. I would always be there to help him, no matter how old he got; no matter how many tattoos graced his skin (I could only hope that there would be none.)

Around ten minutes later, we pulled into a tight parking space in front of a quaint café. In the back of the shop there were small tables set up around a rather large fountain. I had been to this place once or twice before but never long enough to take in the view. It was beautiful. Liam jumped up and down in his seat, anxious to figure out what the surprise was. As soon as I grabbed him out of the car and set him down on the ground with his backpack, he bolted to the door, bouncing as he waited for me to let him inside the air-conditioned building. Before I could reach him, the door opened, only to present us with Jaime. He looked… wow. He had gotten a hair cut in the few days I hadn’t seen him and it was a lot shorter than before. Despite this, it still had a way of sticking out in all directions, framing his face perfectly. He was wearing a brown madras button down on top of a plain black shirt and black straight-leg jeans. Dylan had always worn outfits similar to this and I couldn’t help but wonder if my dreams were vaguely true and they did know each other.

Jaime greeted both of us with a grand smile and bent down to give my son a high five. I laughed quietly to myself as Liam grabbed onto his wrist and pulled him over to me. “Look who I found!” Jaime wrapped his arm around me in a half hug to which I returned. It was just a bit awkward; as if he wanted to give me a full hug but wasn’t sure if the sentiment applied yet. We had talked late into the night for the past few nights but haven’t done it in person. Talking over the phone was a lot different than face to face. It felt as if we were so close and yet still strangers. Part of me wanted to just shake his hand and another part of me wanted to pull him tight against me and never let him go. Dylan would always give me the tightest, most comforting hugs he could muster, no matter how sick he got. I longed for that feeling again; I longed for that feeling from Jaime. “Hi, you!” He said cheerfully while I was caught up in my own thoughts. “Hey, Liam, this is your surprise!” I grinned down at the little boy and absently noticed that Jaime had kept his arm around me. I liked it; it was very comforting. “Surprise!” He shouted from next to me, the both of them giggling. “He-me is my surprise?! This is great!” Liam pumped his tiny fists in the air and ran around us a few times before I bent over and picked him up, balancing him on my hip.

“Let’s get some food, shall we?” The prize-winning grin was present on Jaime’s face again as he smiled down at us. I could get used to a feeling like this. The pit inside me was on fire again, telling me that this was how life was supposed to feel. That maybe, just maybe Jaime was the right guy. That Jaime was the guy who was supposed to take care of us. His hand slid off my shoulder and around my back as he walked away from me and I suddenly felt empty with the loss of contact. He walked ahead of us and held the door open while Liam grabbed my cheeks, squishing them together. “See, mommy? He does like you. We’ll be okay.”