I Will Soon Forget the Color of Your Eyes

Third POV

Guilt is a funny thing; everyone will feel some kind of guilt at one point or another in their life time. Even if it is just the tiniest little bit of guilt, like when something had nothing to do with you but you still feel bad for that person, you still feel slightly guilty because maybe, just maybe you could have done something to change that.

The quilt Kellin is feeling however is a burning, suffocating and unstoppable guilt is. It feels like everything is weighing down on his shoulders, he can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he can barely function. All he can do is think, and right now his head is pretty fucking messed up and that is because Kellin knows that it’s his own fault. The guilt he is feeling is so heavy because he knows; he knows clearly that everything that I wrong is down to him. Down to his own cowardice and lack of ability to be who he wants to be. He is selfish, he is hurting o many people because he is scared, because hi life ha turned into a routine that he doesn’t know how to break.

Guilt it something that east away at you, is meticulous and sly. It sneaks up on you, feeding you little bits of remorse and shame that you can push away, you can ignore, but it festers and builds and grows in your mind without you even knowing. You go from feeling slightly guilty to being unable to think of anything other than what a horrible fucking human being you are.

Suddenly absolutely everything is your fault; you cold have always done something to help someone else. You could always be a better person. Right now, its every time Kellin sets his eyes on Vic, every time he hears his name in the hallway, every time he see someone who knows him or has anything to do with him, every time he sees Vic's perfect face, and his perfect eyes warped with sadness he feels sick.

Guilt is an emotion, yes. But it is an emotion which affects you physically as well, you feel sick to your stomach with guilt, you feel so awful with yourself and what you have done that it eats away at you inside, making it almost impossible to physically get up and do anything.

Kellin really doesn’t know how much more guilt he can face but he knows it’s too late. Vic gave him another chance; Vic gave him a chance to prove himself. Life gave Kellin the perfect opportunity to stand up for Vic, to stand him for himself. And he blew it. He fucked up that chance royally.

Kellin really doesn’t think he can live with himself anymore. He doesn’t know if he can live with the pain and the guilt that is drowning him for much longer.

If he were to stand up for Vic now, yes he would be doing the right thing, he would be proving himself, but it is far too late for that. If he were to get his friends to back off, if he were to end Vic pain and suffering now, yes he would be helping Vic in so many ways but it wouldn’t change anything.

He wouldn’t get Vic back, there is no chance, he wouldn’t be proving himself to mike or Jaimie or Nikki or Tony or Ellee or Cal. He wouldn’t be proving himself to himself. He would look like a coward and he knows that. He knows that if out of no where he were to change his way right now, they would still never forgive him, because he is too fucking late.

On the other hand, he physically cannot keep hurting Vic, every time his ‘friends’ say something or do something to hurt Vic it hurt him, because he knows he could be doing something to change it. But as said, it’s too late to change it now. But he cannot keep living like this, he cannot keep sitting back and watching Vic get hurt, he can’t keep being the reason for Vic's pain. It’s not fair.

So he says sorry. He finds every single person that deserves and apology and he says it, quickly, not giving an explanation s to why he is sorry he just is.

He finds Vic in the hall way three days after he blew his chance, it’s the first time he has really seen him since and Vic looks a mess. His eyes are red and swollen, his hair is badly straightened and he is lumped over like he cannot be fucked with anything. He finds him and he tell him he is sorry, hearing mike call Vic form down the corridor he scampers leaving Vic confused and unsatisfied.

He finds mike next. Mike deserves one hell of a sorry Kellin thinks, but he knows sorry won’t make a difference. But he has to try.

“Mike” he calls, seeing the younger, but tall Fuentes alone in the hall way, “can I, urm, jut let me talk?”

Mike shake his head at him, but doesn’t move away when Kellin comes closer.

“I just, I, I wanted to say im sorry, it doesn’t make a difference but I am really sorry.” He says it quickly and in a rush, not bothering to register the shock on mikes face before he runs. Runs as fast he can into the next corridor and down the stairs and thought the school until he physically can’t run anymore.

He finds cal next, because she had been so good to him, she had helped him so much and it would be hard. But she really did deserve an apology. He finds her in the lunch hall, sitting with the girl from Vic’s room and a few other people he knows are friends with Vic. Maybe he can kill two birds with one stone here then he thinks.

“Cal, hey” he says, getting everyone sitting there’s attention, many of them including Ellee growl at him; theirs face turning sour with displeasure at him standing there.

“Oh, urm hey Kellin, did you need something?” the Scottish girl asks, her eyes pleading with him, for what he isn’t quite sure.

“I just urm, wanted to say that im sorry, to all of you, but you especially cal. You’ve been a really great friend to me and I just, im sorry. I’ve let you down, you’ve done so much for me trying to help me to the right thing and I threw it back in your face and I didn’t mean for it to happen this way. I am just so sorry, words cant really explain how sorry I am. But I know, it too late to apologise, I just thought I should do it now anyway.”

“Sorry doesn’t change anything you worthless piece of shit” Jaimie speaks up from the end of the table,

“I know.” Is all Kellin says back, giving cal one last sad smile, he wipes the tears that had made there way to his eyes and turns, walking as quickly as he can without running from the lunch room. He hears cal call after him, he hears her footsteps running trying to catch up with but he keeps walking, ignoring her and silently saying sorry again.

He makes his way out of the school, into the car park and heads for his car. He gets in and drives home. His mind is racing but he isn’t really thinking. Everything is kind of blurry, like the world has sped up but he himself is moving in slow emotion. Nothing is clear, nothing makes any sence. His movement are jarred and flawed, his eyes sight is blurred by tears he didn’t know he had let fall, his hands are shaking with anticipation and fear, but he knows this is right.

He pulls up to his house, seeing no cars and silently thanking whichever deity thought he was worth even the smallest of gifts.

The walk to hi front door is quick but slow at the same time, like once again his body isn't responding to the speed at which his mind is racing. He unlocks the door and closes it roughly behind him, now caring about the slam that makes him flinch.

He makes his way t his room, finding three sheet of paper and three envelopes.

He addresses each carefully, ‘Trisha’, ‘mom and dad’ and the last, the one he knows will be hardest to seal eventually, ‘Vic’.

He writes his parents first. He isn’t sure why but its the easiest one to write. Maybe its because he hasn’t directly hurt either of them yet, he has nothing really to apologise for from the past, only the future, because he’s going to hurt them.

Don’t, and I mean do not blame yourselves.

This, this is not your fault, there is nothing you could have done better or to have changed this, you have been nothing but perfect loving parents and I love you with all my heart but I just cant do this anymore. I cant keep pretending im something im not. And that had got nothing to do with you, I've faked who I am in public for as long as I can remember, but here at home I always felt safe. I always felt loved and welcomed and accepted, its just out there, out there is where I cant cope anymore.

I love you so much,
Im sorry.
Kellin x

He finished the note, folds it and puts it inside the envelope, liking the seal shut before grapping the second piece of paper.

Trisha,

I know you won’t understand why I have to do this, but just know it is not your fault either; this is no ones fault but mine. I had to do this to myself, im the one who messed everything up.

I don’t know what is going on with you right now, because there is obviously something not right, so im going to ask you something, get help Trisha please. I hate the person you’ve turned into, I hate the person you are around other people, I hate the cruel person you pretend to be when we all know that’s not who you really are. And if you keep being this person, the guilt will get to you to.

I want to ask you a favour too, as well as getting help; please im am begging you to watch out for vic. Pease don’t let them torture him anymore. Please help him, he doesn’t deserve the way I treated him.

I really fucking love you Trisha, you’re the best big sister I could have had, look after mom and dad, look after yourself, and please, please, look after vic.

I’m so sorry,
Kellin x

The page is stained with tears he didn’t know had fallen, but it legible, and its real so he folds it, puts it inside the envelope and licks the seal shut. His hands shake as he readies himself for what he knows will be the hardest thing he has ever had to do.

Vic, my perfect, beautiful, lovely Vic.

I know nothing I could every say would ever change anything, I know I messed up, no, I royally fucking fucked up. You gave me so many chances to prove myself and I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be enough for you. I couldn’t be a big enough or good enough person to stand up for you, I could bring myself to stand up for everything I loved and cared about. Because I love you Vic, I really fucking love you and I care about you so much. I know we had only been together for like a really short time, but I loved you before that. It scared me how I felt about you before you kissed me, before any of that happened. I was so scared of admitting how I felt then that I turned it all into bullying, I took out the frustration I held for myself on you and that’s just wants fair.

I hate myself so much for everything I have done to you, for everything I have put you through, please know that nothing I have ever said to you is true. All of the insult or the jokes or the jabs I made at you were and are bullshit. You’re fucking perfect Vic. You are beautiful and funny and kind and strong and I honest to god wish I could have been half the person you are.

Please Vic, please don’t hurt yourself anymore, especially over me. I am not worth your pain. I’ve asked Trisha to keep the guys and the rest away from you. Hopefully you will be left alone from now on, so please Vic, get that smile back. That true, that real smile I know you haven’t had in a very long time. Learn to laugh again, learn to love and enjoy life again the way we did as kids.

Forget about me Vic, because im not worth your time or your pain.

I really fucking love you.
I’m sorry.
Kellin x

It’s the longest and most important of all the notes he has written, it’s the one that had taken the most out of him. Tears are streaming down his face, broken and shaken sobs are spilling from his mouth, paired with pants and chokes.

Its time, he knows it time, he knows this is the only option he has because he cant be there for Vic anymore, no matter ho much he wants to change and be with him and make him laugh and mile he knows he cant. Because even if he were to finally be the bigger person Vic would never take him back. Vic friends would never accept him, the people he had once called his own friends would turn on him and make his and Vic’s life hell.

So Kellin folds that final piece of paper in half, slips it inside the envelope and likes the seal shut.

He feels oddly calm now; he feels peaceful and serene because he knows he is finally, for the first time in hi life, doing the right thing.

His walk to the kitchen is calm and collected, not another tear is shed as he picks a bottle of vodka from the cupboard, nor as he searches for the his mothers prescription sleeping pills nor as he makes him way back to his bedroom, unscrewing both caps as he goes.

He lies down in his bed, the three envelopes beside him neatly on the bed and begins to drink, to drink and swallow. Drink and swallow. Drink and swallow, over and over until there is not vodka left, until there are no pills left, and he cannot feel a thing.