Hell Above

It never crossed my mind that he might have just been nice. He could have easily noticed that I was in a bad mood, so he was just trying to cheer me up. Why would someone like him even like me anyway? I was just someone to take advantage of. I was nothing more than some boy that needed saving. Why should anyone have to put up with me anyway? All these thoughts raced through my mind as I felt myself drifting into a sea of thoughts. I quickly pulled myself out when I heard Kellin's voice. " I see you couldn't stay away." he said with a slight wink and an extremely cute smirk. He turned around and poured me a shot. I thanked him with my eyes as he sat it in front of me. "You need it". He couldn't have been more right. I took the shot and then another after that. Whatever he put in that glass was strong so I knew that I didn't need anymore. Thinking back, I don't know what happened between the time of the two shots and then the time when I got extremely tired. I know that we talked for at least two hours about nothing in particular. I don't know if it was the drinks or just how tired I was but during that time; I realized I was falling for Kellin.

One way or another, we found our way to the park. This was the happiest I had ever been in a really long time. I didn't feel sad anymore and I actually saw the point of living. I never told him about what I did for a living because I was done with it. I don't think I could go back to that way of life even if I wanted to. We shared stories back and forth and every time something came close to the subject, I would switch it around. That's how I found out that Kellin sang sometimes and he found out that I did too. No one ever asked me about my life so he was the first person to ever know that about me. Something about him made me open up to him. We talked for a long time and he didn't seem very happy with life. He told me about his small apartment that wasn't very far away and how he suffered from depression and he lived alone since the age of sixteen. I wanted to help him and I wanted to let him know I was the same way but I was never one to share my feelings.

We must have spent all night talking because before I knew it, I could see the sunrise. His eyes slowly started to flutter as he laid his head on my shoulder. His hand reached for mine and I laced my fingers into his. He didn't pull away for a very long time and I swear that I could have stayed like that forever. It was quite sad when he squeezed my hand and then sat up. He stood up with our hands still intertwined so I stood up beside him. "I have to go, but I'll see you again one day. Goodbye Vic." At the time, I didn't realize what he meant by one day. I thought he just didn't know I went to the bar almost every night so he didn't know when I would see him. He leaned over and kissed me on the lips and my stomach got instant butterflies. It was just a peck but it was perfect. When he pulled back he had a frown on his face and he had tears streaming down his face. "What's wrong Kells?" was I could muster with seeing him like that. He just wiped away the tears and then quietly said "nothing is wrong." I hugged him one last time and let him go. He may have just been sad abut leaving. I should have known better than that. It's all my fault that I never saw him again after that night. I don't know why I didn't think about why he said "one day" and not "see you later". By the time I realized what he really meant, it was already too late. I heard an ambulance in the distance and I knew exactly where it was heading. I knew his apartment wasn't far from here so I got up and sprinted down to the entrance. By the time I got there, they were already putting a broken boy into the ambulance. I knew as soon as I saw him that he had jumped from the top of the building. His body was crumpled and his eyes were closed. There was no way anybody could survive a seven story jump.

I should have gotten his warnings. It was all my fault. To think I was actually happy for a day, was just too good to be true. I think I may have loved him however that may be. After he left this world, I didn't want to be in it either. My depression got worse and I had nothing to live for. After I looked one last time at the ambulance; I began to walk away. I walked all the way back to the bar. I felt numb. I walked into the back room of the bar to get my bag, and I shuffled through it to find some pain killers. Hoping they would numb the pain; I took the entire bottle. Then I made my way back to the bar area where I asked for a single drink from Oli. I didn't bother talking to him except for just asking for the beer. The look in his eyes told me that I wasn't getting a drink. "You're going to the hospital now Vic. I saw you take the pills." I didn't fight him as he picked me up and walked me to his car. I didn't fight because I knew I needed help and I honestly didn't have the energy to. I passed out in the car thinking of Kellin but I tried to push the thoughts of him away because no matter how much I thought of him; he was never coming back. I would never look into his bright eyes again, or touch his soft hair. I longed for the feeling to not feel alone but no one and nothing could fill my heart.