Nobody Has to Know

I failed miserably at staying awake last night, and of course I had a nightmare. I was with Ryan in the kitchen and as soon as he turned his back I lost control over my body. My hand made for the knives and before I could even cry out I'd plunged it into his back. He fell, face down, onto the cold kitchen tiles, and I dragged his body into the living room, leaving a bright red trail between the two rooms and lining the body up neatly with the body of my last boyfriend.

I'd managed to forget about the dream until now. I'd been fine behind the counter at work until Austin glided past me, his hand softly brushing my lower back. Now images from that dream rush forward from the back of my mind and I feel sick.

Lucky for me, Mum's showing Austin the ropes today so apart from the odd glance and smirk I've barely had any grief from him. Ryan, having recently acquired his driver's license, was eager to drive me to work this morning, but I managed to convince him to drop me a few shops down from Studio Elements, which wasn't difficult because he and my mother aren't exactly the best of friends. Well, I can't be too safe, can I?

I've arranged to meet Kayleigh for lunch, because if I keep my guilt to myself I'm going to explode. And if there's anyone I can tell my secrets to without fear of them spreading, it's her. She's a little bit mouthy at times, but she'd take my secrets to the grave. We've been best friends since primary school.

Since it's Saturday, the shop's pretty busy but somehow I still find time to scowl in Austin's general direction. He's wearing a baggy black shirt with some death stuff on it and skin tight jeans that his ass would look flawless in if they weren't hanging halfway down it. I'm guessing his shirt's some sort of band shirt, and that the band is fronted by some bearded guy who thinks growling counts as singing. I can't help thinking that my mother would send me home to change if I came into work wearing that. What makes him so fucking special?

It really pisses me off how much my mum seems to like him. She laughs at his jokes, she's patient with him, she lets him dress how he wants to. He was almost five hours late yesterday, does she not remember that? She certainly remembers me being late.

My lunch break finally arrives with Kayleigh, the bell above the door signalling my temporary freedom as she walks in. It takes a lot not to run over to her, drop to my knees and hug her skinny tanned legs. Instead I just grab her hand and lead her right back out of the shop, not even bothering to alert Mum.

"What's the rush?" Kay demands as I drag her around a corner, only slowing down when the shop disappears from view.

"Nothing," I huff, glancing over my shoulder. "I was just suffocating in there."

"Your mum giving you grief already?"

"Well... Yeah..."

"...But?"

"Where do you want to go for lunch?"

"A-li!" she moans, dragging me to a halt with our still-joined hands. "What's going on?"

"I'm thinking McDonald's," I say thoughtfully, and she pouts. "I'll tell you when we're there, okay?"

Unfortunately for me, McDonald's isn't too far from the shop. We arrive less than five minutes later, and as soon as we've crossed the threshold Kayleigh's looking at me expectantly. I ignore her, pretending not to notice, and drag her into the queue.

But once we've ordered and sat down, there's no avoiding her impatient glare, which bores into me like a slow burning heat, making me wince. And I do plan on telling her. It's just that I haven't said it out loud yet. And saying it out loud always makes it sound worse than your mind makes it out to be.

I chomp my fries mechanically, trying to buy some time to form the words. Between mouthfuls her eyes flicker to and from me, and I know there's no way of avoiding this. So I just come out with it.

"I cheated on Ryan."

It barely comes out loud enough for Kayleigh to hear. I barely move my lips around the words, but her wide eyes indicate she understands. I can't tell if her reaction is disappointed or surprised or something entirely different; all I have to go by is her sagging jaw and eyes like shiny brown saucers.

She remains speechless for a while, until I can't stand it anymore. I flatten my chip box with my fist and lean forwards.

"Say something!" I demand, and a small, strained sound escapes her.

"Who with?" she finally squeaks.

"...The guy who trashed the school," I mutter, taking the cardboard in my hands and ripping it to shreds to distract from the grimy feeling that racks my body.

"What... Why?"

I shrug. I haven't really thought about my reasons for what I did; I just put it down to alcohol and me being an asshole. But I don't even remember drinking that much. Ryan and I had a drink before prom and that was it. The thought comes back to me that Austin may've spiked my drinks, and that dirty feeling churns the fries in my stomach, threatening to push them back up onto the table and down my front. I swallow nervously.

So why did I do it? It wasn't because I like him, because in the two months I've known of his existence all he's been is a pain in the ass, always whacking me with the mop in the school corridors, calling me demeaning names, posting chewing gum wrappers through the vent in my locker and brushing me as he passed. All he did was tease me, and he still does that now. What's to like? The only likeable thing about him is that he's gorgeous, but he ruins that with his smug fucking grin.

But I didn't do it because I don't want to be with Ryan. I love Ryan. He's nothing but good to me. We've already planned to move cities together when he goes to university; I've already arranged with Mum to transfer to a different store and we've looked at flats online.

Austin's an asshole and I hate him. Ryan's everything I want. There's no reason for me to cheat on him and no explanation for why it ended up happening.

"I don't know," I finally whisper, staring down at the remains of my chip box, which lie in a scattered heap.

"Are you going to tell Ryan?"

"No!" I yell immediately, barely giving Kayleigh the chance to finish her question. "He'll hate me!"

"But what if he finds out from someone else?"

"Like who? You? Austin? He doesn't talk to either of you. He's not going to find out."

"So his name's Austin," she says thoughtfully. "Is he cute?"

"No," I snarl. "He's a piece of work."

"Well then he has to be good looking if he's so bad," she reasons. "Are you seeing him again?"

"I don't have a choice," I sigh, sweeping the flakes of cardboard off the table and watching them flutter to the ground. "Mum hired him."

"We both know that's not what I meant."

"Well it was a stupid question. No. Never in a million years. Absolutely not. Ever. If he even looks at me I'm going to punch him."

"You kinda punch like a girl though."

"Fuck off, how would you know?"

She grins at that. "You started a fight with Guy after he dumped me last year, remember?"

I shrug and say nothing. I never liked Guy, but Kayleigh claimed he was perfect when they were together. She was in pretty deep. So when he dumped her in front of all his friends at his house party, I got pretty mad. I mean, it's not like I don't know I'm a small guy, but someone had to try to kick his ass for her. I ended up with a broken wrist but hey I tried.

Looking at her now I still don't understand why he let her go in the first place. She's flawless. She has chocolate coloured eyes, long, thick brown curls that cascade past her shoulders, and her pretty face is sprinkled with freckles. And if her looks aren't enough, she's also caring and gentle and she goes out of her way to help people. I don't know whether my being her best friend makes me biased, but I know if I was straight I'd probably want her as my girlfriend. And that's proof enough for me that she's perfect.

But this situation is completely different. I mean, I know Austin's a huge prick and everything, but something tells me no matter how many times I hit him and push him away he won't hurt me. Maybe it's just because of my size or some twisted delusion that he actually thinks I secretly like him, I don't know. But I do know that I can pack a good punch now and then. The fight with Guy was totally unfair anyway; he was really tall and mean.

I don't finish my lunch. Thoughts of Austin and spiked drinks make me feel too nauseous to even drink anything. I know I need to find time to ask Austin about prom, but I can't risk asking about it at work. My stomach clenches dangerously as I realise I'm going to have to see him outside of work.

As Kayleigh walks me back I wonder doubtfully if Mum'll let me go home sick. But my mother's not exactly the sympathetic type. Even if I throw up I bet she'll make me stay at work. I just don't want to spend five full days every week with Austin. I don't think I can do it.

"I wonder if we can find a way to get Austin sacked," I say thoughtfully, and Kayleigh looks reproachful. "What?"

"You can't lose him his job just because you feel awkward," she scolds. "It's selfish."

"He doesn't need that job," I insist, crossing my arms indignantly. "You should see his house."

"He's already set back with his criminal record," snaps Kayleigh. "If you get him fired, he'll never get another job."

"I don't care, I don't want him there."

"You don't mean that, Ali, I know you don't."

She's right and I know it. If I got Austin fired, I'd feel bad. It's in my nature to feel bad for people. I think when my mum was pregnant with me she stored all her sympathy with me in the womb and forgot to take it back before I was born, because I feel for people way too much. I'm like an emotional sponge.

Kay stays with me when we reach the shop, and she's trying to act nonchalant but I can see right through her. She wants to see Austin. She wants to put a face to the name. Kay didn't go to the same secondary school as me, so she hasn't seen him before now. I don't object. I just lead her into the shop and take my place behind the counter.

Austin's a few metres away, folding up shirts and putting them on shelves, but as soon as he sees me he smirks. I ignore him and keep my gaze on Kay, who's awful at being subtle. She's looking right at him, her eyes narrowed, but he pays her no mind. His eyes are trained on me. Lucky me.

I tear my gaze off him, my lunch bubbling in my stomach, and look helplessly at Kay, but she knows as well as I do that she can't help. She raises her eyebrows slightly, her eyes widening in an expression I know all to well. It says she thinks he's hot. It's totally unhelpful. I beckon for her to come behind the counter, and she obeys, throwing her arms around my neck and standing on her tiptoes because she's one of the few people I know who's shorter than me.

I can still feel Austin watching me as I bury my face in Kayleigh's shoulder and mutter, "Can I come over after work?"

"I thought you were going to Dex's?"

"I need you."

"Okay."

I pull out of the hug and offer a small smile that I know doesn't reach my tired eyes. "See you later, then."

She nods and skirts around the counter, hurrying to the door and calling a hasty "Love you!" over her shoulder as the bell clings above her head. I holler back and then she's gone.

Slowly and reluctantly, I turn my head in Austin's direction, finding no surprise when I see he's still smirking at me. I look away.

I don't want to go home tonight, at least not straight after work. The more time I spend with Ryan the more I have to lie. The worse I feel. The guilt is eating away at me and I don't know how I'm going to keep this from him. I'll probably go over to his house after seeing Kayleigh because I can't sleep alone, but hopefully we won't talk much before I fall asleep.

"She's hot," comments Austin, earning himself one of my most menacing glares. "Is she single, or is she yours too?"

"Damn right she's mine," I spit back. "Touch her and I'll fucking skewer you, I swear to God."

"I might enjoy it," he whispers, his grin widening as a customer glares to and from me and him.

I'm not in the mood to apologise. I serve the woman her stuff and go right back to glaring at that smug, freckled face that's so desperately asking to be clubbed. He's stopped working to turn that glorious body to face me. I do my best to keep my eyes from wandering.

"So is Dex your boyfriend's name?" he teases, and my fists clench at the mocking way he says the word 'boyfriend'.

I choose to ignore him. The idea to fake illness creeps back into my head, but some twisted part of me wants to stay, to stand my ground. To show him he doesn't intimidate me. That this is my place and he can't drive me out of it.

But half an hour and three ass squeezes later, I'm ready to explode. Mum's in and out of the shop, and she grins at Austin like they're old friends. It makes me sick, the way he has my mum and the customers wrapped around his tattooed finger. They can't see what a tool he is and it's infuriating.

My eyes constantly flicker to the clock on the till screen. I have four hours before we close up shop, and I'm close to tearing my hair out. He's barely doing anything, but every little move he makes just sends shocks of fury through me and I want to rip the phone off the wall and throw it at him.

I glance longingly towards the staff room door. How much will Mum need me over the next four hours? Could I possibly get off work early? I hail her over when she next passes through, doing my very best to look sorry for myself, which isn't too hard because my life is kind of sucking right now.

"What's wrong, Alistair?" she asks impatiently.

"I'm feeling kind of crappy," I say honestly, and surprise, surprise, she's rolling her eyes.

"Is that so."

I nod, grabbing her hand and holding it to my face. "Feel my temperature."

"Honestly," she snaps, snatching her hand away. "You're fine. Just get a cup of tea from the staff room and I'll take over here for a minute."

"Can't I just go home?" I press, but she shakes her head.

"I'm going up to London to see how Hallie's settling in," she explains. "I'm going to need you to lock up tonight because I won't be back until late."

"But-"

"No, Alistair," she says flatly. "You'll be fine. Are you going to get tea or can I go?"

The thought of staying alone with Austin for the next four hours sends me over the edge. I only just manage to run from my mother and stagger into the bathroom before my stomach empties itself all over the toilet seat. I sit there for a minute, retching and spluttering, an acidic taste plaguing the inside of my mouth and a raw feeling irritating the walls of my throat.

I still feel sick despite my empty stomach, so I just sit on the floor, resting my head against the cold tiled wall. I don't care that Mum's waiting to go to London. She should care when I feel like shit, not brush it off so she can piss off to care about other people's kids more than her own.

Before I can register what's happening, I'm being scooped into sturdy arms and a warm lap, and comforting fingers find their way to my fluffy blonde hair. I tuck my head under his chin, sniffing and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. His scent hits me like a bus; pine and the ever so subtle smell of chlorine, like he's only just showered after taking a swim. It reminds me of the night we spent together. I sink into him, closing my eyes, and the nausea slowly begins to ebb.

I can feel gentle fingers drawing comforting circles on my lower back. His breath is warm and soft, weaving through my hair, and his arms are secure around my trembling body. I remain still as stone as his lips press softly against my temple.

Only when the distant clicking of heels grows louder do I come to my senses. I propel myself off him and into the wall, whacking my head in the process. I wipe the toilet seat, flush it and wipe my hands before exiting, just as my mother reaches the door.

"Are you okay?" she asks, narrowing her eyes as Austin follows me out.

"Peachy," I reply meekly. "I'll go rinse my mouth."

I skirt around her and hurry to the little kitchen in the staff area, internally freaking out because that could not have happened. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Fuck.

This isn't allowed to happen. He can't just swoop in when I'm at my weakest and manipulate me like that. It isn't fair. He can't just comfort me and pretend like he hasn't been a complete asshole. Ugh, I hate him!

I feel like throwing up again. I feel like walking out and quitting. I can't handle being in the same room as him every day. I just can't. I need today to be over so I can ask Kayleigh for help. I can't handle this alone.

Mum leaves the shop without another word for me. Austin must've told her I was fine so he could get me alone or whatever, but I'm not letting my guard down again. After I've spoken to him about prom, our relationship is going to be purely professional. I'll have to work with him for another year before Ryan leaves college and then we can move and I'll never have to see Austin's face again. Simple.

He looks genuinely concerned when Mum's gone, but I don't fall for it. It's just another one of his stupid games and I'm sick of it.

"You all right?" he asks, his voice like honey.

I narrow my eyes. "We need to talk." He raises an eyebrow, but I shake my head. "We're not talking here. I'm coming over tomorrow and we're going to talk about... This." I wave my hands between us, and he smirks. "Okay?"

"Tomorrow," he agrees, grinning. "It's a date."

"No," I snarl through gritted teeth, "it isn't."

"We'll see."