Thorin's Long Lost Daughter

The trolls had tied several dwarves onto a spit and were roasting them over a fire; the rest of us, were tied up in nearby sacks.

“Don’t bother cooking them. Let’s just sit on them and squash them into jelly.”
William suggested.

“They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.”
Bert said, firmly.

“Is this really necessary?”
Dori cried out.

"Ooh, that does sound quite nice.”
William said, hungrily.
I continued to struggle against the itchy burlap sack, but it was no use

“Untie us, you monsters!”
Oin shouted

“Take on someone your own size!”
Gloin added, fearfully.
The dwarves on the spit and us in the bags were all making noises and talking in fear.

“Never mind the seasoning; we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, so let’s get a move on. I don’t fancy being turned to stone.”
Tom said.

“Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.”
Bilbo called out.

“You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!”
Dori exclaimed.

“Half-wits? What does that make us?”
Bofur retorted

Bilbo managed to stand up, although he was still tied up in a sack. He turned to face the trolls.

“Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning.”
Bilbo stammered out.

“What about the seasoning?”
Bert asked.

“Well have you smelt them? You’re going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up.” Bilbo said, slyly.

The dwarves yelled at Bilbo, as they called him a traitor. The ones in sacks began to kick him.

“What do you know about cooking dwarf?”
Tom shouted.

“Shut up, and let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk.”
Bert silenced Tom, as he squatted down, near Bilbo

“Uh, th--the secret to cooking dwarf is, um--”
Bilbo started.

“Yes? Come on."
Bert said, impatiently.

“It’s, uh--”
Bilbo stammered out.

“Tell us the secret.”
Bert said, and I could tell that he was beginning to lose his patience with Bilbo

“Ye--yes, I’m telling you, the secret is..."
Bilbo's gaze turned to us.

"… to skin them first!”

“Tom, get me the filleting knife.”
Bert ordered.

“If I get you, you little--”
Gloin snapped.

“I won’t forget that!”
Dwalin fired.

“What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all.”
Tom interjected.

“`e’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy.”
William said, as he grabbed me, and he dangled me upside down over his mouth, about to drop me down his throat.

"Evelyn!"
I heard Kili shout, but I paid him no mind.

“Not--not that one, she--she’s infected!”
Bilbo shouted, coming to my rescue. Sort of.

“You what?”
Tom asked.

“Yeah, She’s got worms in her … tubes.”
Bilbo lied, and William dropped me back onto the pile of Dwarves in disgust, and I think that I landed on Kili, because I heard him groan in pain.

"Oh shush! I am not that heavy!"
I softly, snapped.

“In--in fact they all have, they’re in--infested with parasites. It’s a terrible business; I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.”
Bilbo said, seriously

“Parasites, did he say parasites?”
Oin asked.

“We don’t have parasites! You have parasites!”
Kili shouted, and it echoed in my ear.

Damn it, Kili!

"What are you talking about, laddie?”
Gloin piped up.

We all chimed in about how we don’t have parasites and how Bilbo was a fool. I noticed that Bilbo rolled his eyes as the dwarves messed up his......Oh! I get it!

I looked over at my father, who understood Bilbo’s plan, and he gave the others a swift kick. They then understood and they played along with it. All the dwarves began proclaiming about how we’re “riddled” with parasites.

"I’ve got parasites as big as my arm.”
Oin shouted.

“Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!”
Kili boasted.

"I've got the biggest parasites!"
I chimed

“We’re riddled.”
Nori shouted.

“Yes, I’m riddled.”
Ori agreed.

“Yes we are. Badly!”
Dori added.

"What would you have us do, then, let ‘em all go?”
Tom asked, Bilbo

“Well...”
Bilbo said, as he pretended to think about it

“You think I don’t know what you’re up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!”
Tom roared.

"Ferret?”
Bilbo asked, in defense.

“Fools?”
Bert called in disbelief.

Just then, I saw Gandalf appear on top of a large rock above the clearing.

“The dawn will take you all!”
Gandalf boomed

“Who’s that?”
Bert asked.

“No idea.”
Tom replied.

“Can we eat `im too?”
William asked, and I just rolled my eyes.

"You got another thing coming..."
I muttered.

Gandalf struck the rock with his staff, and he split it in half, which allowed the sunlight behind it to pour into the clearing. When the sunlight touched the trolls’ skin, they began turning into stone amidst loud screams and howls of pain. Within seconds, there were three stone statues of trolls in the clearing. We all cheered for Gandalf. Of course, the dwarves on the spit, especially Dwalin, still looked uncomfortable.

“Oh, get your foot out of my back!”
Dwalin complained