One Hundred Sleepless Nights

It had to be a combination of enthusiasm and grieving that drove me into hyper-drive. I had spent two days locked away in my apartment, unpacking like a mad woman. I didn’t have too much to begin with but it was a lot of small stuff. I systematically scattered my art supplies, books and such around my living room. It looked like a poor artist’s home. I loved it. My “bedroom” was closed off by two blue folding doors that I installed into the arch that separated it from the rest of the house. Living alone in a studio or not, I didn’t like the idea of my room having no doors. I decorated the bathroom door with posters and magazine cut-outs of things I fancied. Mostly, it consisted of bands and decorative words like: BAM, Rebel with an ironically backward ‘r’ and silly things of the sort.

The kitchen was clean and pristine. I had painted the walls – right before I was consumed by the Unpacking Fairy- in a sort of blue ombre. The wall with the bathroom and bedroom doors was mostly ultramarine while the wall with the front door and the very empty wall opposite of it were painted to fade out. The kitchen wall, where the ombre finished, was a beautiful sky blue. My little rectangle box felt a little more homey. I hang the finishing touch; a medium-sized portrait of my grandmother with my parents in the middle of the empty wall. I take a step back. Looking into the eyes of the printed faces gives me a sense of contentment.

I had lived a pretty good life in Mayville. At least, that’s what I was told. A mix between my sub consciousness and medications had repressed a lot of my memories here. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to move back. A sort of self-discovery or self-healing, I guess. This apartment was only a few minutes’ drive from where I used to live. Maybe living here would help me remember things. At the very least, just be happy with life again. It had been a few months since baba’s passing and I couldn’t seem to function the whole time in PA. Strangely, as soon as I got here, I felt human again. Yulia dragging me along to the bar the first night really helped keep that alive. Yulia and her friend were good company, even if they were a little more on the extrovert side than I.

I start spraying some scented aerosol through the kitchen, the living room and when I open the bathroom, I frown. My bedroom looked filled, the kitchen was small so that looked filled and my living room had random things around so it looked alright. My bathroom? It looked so empty and depressing. This was definitely an excuse to go out and explore.

I changed into some cut-off jean shorts with studs on them, a black shirt with a white pentagram on it and my favorite black and white Converse. I step out of my apartment slowly and awkwardly. No idea why. I guess, for the first time since I got here, I realized I was somewhere completely alien to me. I’m pulled out of my trance when I hear someone coming up the stairs. I sort of froze, for no apparent reason, until he reached my floor. He walked straight towards me, to the door opposite of mine. I clumsily locked my door and dashed for the stairs. I wasn’t looking to chat it up with my neighbors at the moment.

I hop into my car and set off towards the boardwalk which was basically a straight drive from my apartment. There was a mall on one of the piers so I could shop for my sad bathroom and get a glimpse at the demographic here. I did want to make friends… eventually, anyways. For now, I was okay with having Yulia and staring from afar.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The mall was much bigger than its outdoor appearance led you to believe. There were so many great stores and out on the boardwalk, there were tons more. In the mall, I grabbed an ice cream and headed straight for Caroline’s: the home goods and décor store. I had bought all sorts of cool things for my bathroom, and a little for my living room. Once I finished, I grabbed a cheesesteak sandwich and sat on a bench on the boardwalk. I figured it would be nice to eat while looking at the ocean.

The cheesesteaks here can’t compare to the ones in Pennsylvania. Baba would take my cousins and me every other weekend to a small town on the outskirts of Philadelphia. There was this family-owned restaurant that sold the greatest cheesesteaks in all of P.A. So, every other weekend, we’d stuff our faces there then adventure through a park nearby. We’d catch bugs, collect rocks and play games. Once we got to the other side, our patient and loving grandmother would by us ice cream…

I let out a big sigh as I fight back tears. Not even in another state can I escape the thoughts of my grandmother…

“Hey, watch out!”

I turn around to see a Frisbee flying straight at me. I quickly cover my face and grab it. A little boy and girl run towards me.

“We’re so sorry!” The little boy sounds both sincere and out of breath.

“I told you not to throw it so hard!” said the little girl, quite accusingly, to the boy.

“Don’t worry, kiddos. Just be careful.” I hand them over the Frisbee right as I notice a school logo on it.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Driving home, I kept thinking about the silly kids that almost beheaded me. They reminded me of a friend I used to have. A little boy whose name I can’t recall. That’s the problem with blocking things out. It doesn’t only block out the bad. I remember small things. Like how we got in trouble once and my mother was furious. I don’t remember why but it felt like it happened often. Baba and uncle Marko liked to remind me of how much of a troublemaker I was.

I dropped my bags on the steps and sat down for a smoke before heading upstairs. My apartment is too small to smoke in there. The fumes would never get out. I don’t really know what I expected when I moved here. Yet, I feel like it was the right move. Not to mention that it had a great music scene. There were a lot of underground shows and hangouts for my age group. It also wouldn’t hurt that I lived so close to the beach. Tanning, star-gazing, swimming… Scoping out the hotties… I laugh to myself as I take the last drag from my cigarette.

I pick up my bags but stop a moment. I look around and I have to admit, it was a pretty neighborhood. You could see the ocean from the street. I’m sure the sunrise looks great from there. You could hear the sea gulls and children’s voices and feel the salt water dry your throat. It might seem weird, but I like it.

The building doors slammed behind me and I froze up again. Three guys were laughing and coming down the stairs. Without looking up, I grabbed my bags and hurried inside. I don’t know what is up with my people skills today, but I want nothing to do with them.

Once I get into my apartment, I play some older Green Day music and get ready to clean and set up my bathroom. My mother took pride in her elaborate bathroom décor. Or so my baba always told me… It looks like it will be another night I stay up late.