One Hundred Sleepless Nights

I hate needy girls, and Tracy was the neediest of them all. My pops had been pushing this bimbo on me since middle school. I had been struggling to get rid of her ever since. Her dad was well connected and my pops wanted his business to grow. So he thought that the best way to do that was by uniting the kids together. Like some sort of business transaction. Our fronts united made us so much stronger, better, and more fearsome then before. In two years, we had Mayville under our control. This whole damn town was my turf and nobody but me makes trouble on my turf. So basically since middle school I had been in training for this life. I had no choice and the only person who had ever made me feel like I did was long gone. It was all my fault too, if I had never been her friend maybe her parents would have been spared. I shook my head and sent a text to my boys, time for a night out with them. We rarely did anything besides jobs together.

The boys got to my apartment; we did some shots and laughed about some thug kids who tried to take us on once. It was when we were heading out to the bar that Tracy called me. She wanted to see me, said she missed me or whatever. I wanted to tell her no so badly, but her pops owned the building I lived rent free in; so I sucked up my pride and agreed to see her. I shoved my phone in my pocket and told the boys duty calls. We agreed to take a rain check and I headed out to see Tracy. I trudged down the street towards the beach with a scowl on my face. No one can smile if they were headed to see this chick. She was too much of a pain, which is why I don’t bother getting attached to women. The therapist said it because of the absence of my mother or whatever. I mean don’t get me wrong, Tracy is bad, can take down two guys on her own. Crazy smart too, can think circles around most people. She is beautiful too, one of those typical Italian beauties. Nothing really unique about her but she always turns heads. None of that interested me, besides I like my women like I liked my liquor, Russian. Not that I could date a Russian, too much tension. I guess I just like the forbidden but that’s a completely different story.

When I got to the beach I leaned against the railing on the boardwalk. My eyes followed the dark waves move back and forth, it was so calming. It was something so beautiful and simple, crashing against the helpless sand, and then retreating. I looked up and watched the couples stroll on the beach and I lit a cigarette in disgust. For a moment I wondered if ‘Lana had this. If she was half of a lovely couple, somewhere far away fingers intertwined strolling with someone. She was always a big romantic. I took a long drag and turned around, as if on cue Tracy was strutting down the boardwalk. I looked up at the night sky and took a deep breath, pulling at the cigarette. I willed myself to watch her near me, trying desperately to seem eager. Her dress was too tight and her heels were too high, yet she still managed to look like she was gliding towards me. I had to admire her grace at least. I threw my cigarette on the ground and crushed it under my foot. I licked my lips and gave her a small smile; I have to keep my pretenses up. I mean she is sort of my girlfriend, if that’s what you want to label it. I know that’s what everyone else does.

“Antonio,” the way she said my name made it sound like a lullaby. “Why haven’t you called me in two weeks? You know I worry.”

She places her hand on my shoulder and gazes into my eyes. I knew that was my cue to kiss her so I did. I followed the rest of the boyfriend script and which made me all kinds of miserable. Once again in death my pops still ran my life. I felt a powerless to need to do what he says, to take care of the family business. I lit another cigarette while Tracy used the public restroom on the boardwalk. I placed on leg up against the wall, and released smoke into the air. Then I saw a flash of ash blonde hair with violet and ombre streaks in it. I was captivated by the glimmer of color in her hair. I kept watching as the girl’s hair until it disappeared into the crowd. I could have sworn I have seen that girl before. I ran my hand threw my hair as I tried to place that hair. In the apartment building, maybe? Tracy wrapped her arms around my waist from behind me. I hadn’t even realized that I lifted myself off the wall.

“Come on Antonio,” she whined, tossing her dark hair over her shoulders. “I want to go to the bar, take me.”

She kissed behind my ear and turned me around. A wicked smiled on her face. She tugs me towards the bar as I tried to place the girl I saw earlier. I didn’t pay mind to anything she said as we walked. I was too busy thinking about that mystery girl. I ended up in the same crummy place as usual. No surprise since this was neutral turf, despite us all being one you never know when someone will turn on you. Besides this was my pops' joint. Donnie, placed my usually on the bar and gives me a weary smile. I grabbed the gin and tonic, and downed it. Sometimes I feel like this place is black hole that I keep getting sucked into. I nodded towards him for another; I planned on drinking a lot tonight.

Tracy clung to me like a leech, never leaving my side. She laughed at everything I said until I got fed up. I kissed her cheek and told her something came up. I all but ran to my apartment and slammed the door behind me. Chicks exhaust me, I pumped my speaker to full blast and stripped. I sat on my lazy boy and watched a game I had recorded. This is the life, sitting in my boxers, eating pizza, drinking beer and watching the game. I noticed my cigarettes were low and made a mental note to buy some more. I fell asleep on the couch, the game playing in the background. Again I would dream of the girl who once made me feel hope.