New beginings.

The broken shadows cast by the equally broken lamp symbolised our relationship didn’t it? We sat together, in silence on the floor, your head in your hands, me staring at the wall opposite, not daring to move, to speak, cast my eyes over to you or the mess that now littered our once tidy flat resembling some war-torn village in a broken, third would nation. I hadn’t to energy to cry anymore; I was broken and tired and no matter how we tried to repair ourselves and fix the path we were on, we had always known this day would come, and so my tears did not.

At our best we were amazing, nothing could ever compare to the feelings I had for you in those golden, sacred moments; the butterflies twirling a storm in my stomach, the hair standing up on the back of my neck as you touched me, so gently, soft and sweet. I never believed in heaven, but that’s as close as I felt I could get. But at our worst we were… well, we were like this. Destructive, nothing stood in our way. We wouldn’t, couldn’t stop until we’d fizzled out, sinking to the floor as we had now, too emotionally and physically drained to carry on.

I’d lost count of the number of times we’d fought, had long forgotten the names that we’d screamed at one another in our blind rages and the things we’d broken in the heat of the moment. It didn’t matter, none of it mattered anymore. We both new this was the end there was no point reflecting on the past now, it’d only fuel our rage again and neither of us wanted that. No, this was our last fight, we had to walk away from each other now, before it was too late, before one of us got hurt; damaged beyond repair.

I gently extended my arm to you, you raised your head, feeling the burning heat that had surrounded us, as it always did at times like these, cool until I could start to feel shivers racing up my spine from the anticipation of what would come next. Still not looking at me you took my offered hand and we stood. Neither of us spoke, simply turned, hugged like departing friends on a railway station and went to our separate rooms – we’d kept it this way, keeping our things separate, for exactly this reason. We had to start packing up what was left of our belongings, before we had to who was going to leave, though you were the only one with somewhere else to go. I had noone, not anymore, all because of you.

After a while I heard your door slam open, your suitcase juddering down the stairs and the front door open and close. I sat frozen on the edge of my bed. We both knew I wouldn’t run after you, not this time. There was no point, you wouldn’t stay even if I did and it wasn’t even as if I wanted you to. Yes, this time there was no going back; we were done, finished, over.

I made my way down the stairs once I could no longer hear your clapped out car rattling away and looked around properly for the first time that evening. I couldn’t help but laugh as I saw the state our house was now in. None of this was funny, not one bit, perhaps it was as a result of the sudden relief that I was now feeling about it finally being over, we’d made it to the end of out journey from hell. Then again it could have been nervous laughter from the concept of living alone. Starting again was going to be scary, that was for sure.

I picked up the pieces of our lives, shard by shard of our broken hearts and carried what I could manage to the bin, not even stopping to remove the photos from their ruined holders, or to separate the flowers from their shattered vases; see, you did have a good side, this bunch was beautiful, a mix of coloured roses and they weren’t even a ‘sorry’ gift! It could have been worse I suppose; you’d never hurt me, nor I you. No matter how brutal things had gotten, you never raised a hand to me; no matter what we through across the room it was never aimed at one another. We had our limits, both of us.

My relief was tinted with confusion as to what to do next. Would we ever speak again? We’d have to I suppose, to sort the flat and what not. So what was I supposed to do now? What would we do with the house?; I couldn’t afford to live their alone and you’d need the money to get a new house too. I had to sit down, I was beginning to feel faint; on the one had I had the exciting prospect of a new life, find a new partner and enjoy playing the field until I did; but on the other hand I was scared, scared of being on my own, scared of moving on from the relationship I’d been in for so long, that my whole life revolved around, that had taken so much of me without giving anything back. To be honest I think it’ll be hard to trust someone again, ever, especially not at first. Could I even cope on my own? I’d become so reliant on you – you told me where I could and couldn’t go, who I could and couldn’t see and even what to wear. I would be truly lost without you, but I was determined to start over; not to let the last few years break me entirely. I’d needed to build up the friendships you brought down with your spite and pathetic jealousy. The first thing I was going to do though was go shopping tomorrow, buy a whole new wardrobe and throw out every piece of clothing that reminded me of you.

Yes, this was my new beginning; the start of the rest of my life. I wish you well, I really do and I will never, could never forget you. As much as it may pain me to admit, you’ll always have a place in my heart.