Heartache Every Moment

The airport felt different than the past times I had been here. Maybe it was because this time I was leaving, and he wasn't. It wasn't easy for me to be leaving him like this, without him knowing. I didn't want to leave the country; but, I felt that this was the best. It would ease my overractive mind, and cease the nightmares. I didn't know if I could face him after what had accidently happened inside of me. I'd lost the only thing that would have probably kept the two of us together in the future; but, me leaving now would keep that from happening. Because, after today, I wasn't going to be with this man. This man that I'd fallen in love with, the man I was engaged to be married to, this man that I'd probably just broken the heart of because I'd decided to move across the world just to feel like I hadn't ruined his life. I didn't want him to know that I had miscarried his own flesh and blood.

The thought of the baby caused a cold chill to run up my spine. Instinctively, my hand went straight to where the small bump had been, and my eyes began to tear. I didn't need to think of this a negative thing, maybe it was a sign that he and I weren't meant to be. Maybe, just maybe marriage wasn't such a good thing for the two of us to be getting into. These were the reasons I was leaving Finland and heading to California. I had a couple family members that had agreed to help me out until I got back on my feet.

"You can do this, Aleksandra." I murmured to myself over and over, "This is for the best." I'd then add to make myself feel a little bit better; but, the more I spoke the more I wanted to talk myself out of leaving. I'd already recieved multiple messages from Ville asking where I was and why I had left. I couldn't answer him. Not now, not ever.

I had almost been Aleksandra Valo, just almost; but, I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to see me distressed, and I didn't want to feel dishonest. So, instead of telling him the truth. I left a note on our dark mohagany dresser telling him that I was leaving. I was vague, and made sure to tell him not to come looking for me

"Aleksandra, why are leaving, love? Have I done something wrong? Please come home, I love you." I didn't think he'd blame himself for me leaving; but, I guess I am pretty stupid. That was the last message I'd received from him before I had to turn my cell-phone off and get on the plane. My carry-ons had been checked, and I was free to go.

But, karma has a way of coming back and biting me in the ass. Because, guess what? We just so happened to run into each other in San Diego, California in the year 2010--around four years after I fled Finland--and I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. So, I did the only thing I was possibly good at: I ran away.