Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

Vic looks so confused and conflicted, and I’d like to feel at least a little guilty for it, but between it being funny and adorable all I can do is smile at him. I want to explain everything to him, but there’s actually not that much I’d even know. I’m basically as lost as he is.

I look over to Vic and notice that he’s still staring at the guy who took the first bottle of whiskey. I think it’s called whiskey. Anyway I suddenly start feeling self conscious, I remember how stupid I was freaking out in the tunnels and how I got together with Vic all over a lie and I think, there’s plenty of other people here. He won’t want me once he realizes that I’m not even good at being different. I’m not even different. All of these people here have been fighting the system, clearly, and not even alone. I’m nothing special.

I am pulled from my thoughts when I notice Vic’s attention has shifted back to me.

“Kellin,” he says softly, “you okay?”

“What am I suddenly worth your attention now?” I snap. I’m so angry. I’m angry at him, at me. At this party, everything. Vic looks confused. As if he’s done nothing wrong.

“My little brother is here,” he finally says, “and he’s drinking. See?” He points to the guy he’s been staring at. Oh. Little brother. Vic is staring at me intently, like I’m some kind of puzzle he can’t solve or something.

“Sorry for snapping,” I mutter, still angry with myself. ,

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks, still looking lost. I sigh. Our conversation is ended though by Alex and Jack and the other guys playing their music. The tone of the room has suddenly changed. I watch in complete amazement at how everyone changes from their scattered conversations in different reaches of the room to suddenly forming one crowd. It’s so full of chaos, with bottles of drinks flying in all directions, assorted cheers and even boos, couples dancing on each other, all disorganized and individualized. But yet it is so uniform, all the chaos meshed so that there is no longer a few hundred different people, there is one large crowd of people, competing to get closer to Alex, who seems to know exactly how to work them as he sings.

Vic and I are frozen in place, simply observing the room, the crowd, the sound. I can’t help but find myself focusing on Alex. His song is so unrelated to the events in the room (it’s something about someone named Stella? I don’t understand really), but yet he can control the crowd as if he is speaking instructions. He moves his hand and they all jump in unison. He claps and they clap, he kicks the mic outward and there’s only a few who seem to know the words, but they sing for him. It’s like there’s a whole secret language, a method of communication that requires no speaking. I’ve heard real music before, but I’ve never felt anything like this. This is what they meant in the journals when they talked about concerts. This is why they missed them when they are over. I feel like I’m actually living way back in 2010, like I am allowed to feel, to express, to be free.
I don’t join the crowd though.

~Vic~

The music. It’s all I can notice. There’s so many parts to it. The stringed instruments, they look vaguely like guitars I’ve played at school, or perhaps more like the ones in history books, the originals, old models. There’s drums. I don’t know how I know that word. Then there’s the singing. I can’t even comprehend how something so emotional, so filled with meaning and undertoned with the thoughts of someone who feels so many things they must be mad, can come from a real human being. I’ve nothing to compare it to. The words, the sound, Alex’s voice, and more important, more breathtaking and fulfilling, the combination of how it all fits together, I almost can’t handle it.
By the time Alex speaks again I have forgotten everything, why we’re here, the tunnels, Kellin, my brother. All I know is the sound. I can’t stand that they’ve stopped.

“How are you rebellious little fucks tonight anyway,” Alex says, and as if on cue the crowd cheers. I have never heard the word “fucks” before and I almost flinch at the sound. It’s one of the Forbiddens, we learn early never to say words like that. I’ve never met anyone who thought to use them, they could hurt someone after all.

“Alright, alright,” Alex responds, he seems to have been measuring how loud they cheered and is only slightly satisfied. It’s clear he’s just messing around, but I can almost feel in the air the urge to cheer louder, to please him, it’s overwhelming almost.

“We’ve got some more music for you if that’s alright.” The cheer from that is louder than anything I’d ever imagine could come from this number of people, but Alex is still acting dissatisfied until quite suddenly he switches modes, hitting notes on his guitar and singing, throwing himself into the song.

Manage me, I’m a mess
Turn a page I’m a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because
I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

I try to focus on the words, make sense of them, understand. But it’s too much right now. They detail thoughts that have never crossed my mind, though for some reason I wish they had. Something about the room, the sound, the very air around me makes me wish more than anything to relate. I have never wanted so much to have a certain feeling, or any feelings at all really. I suddenly remember Kellin is still beside me, so I grab him and pull him over to kiss me. He responds immediately, as if the thought were his as well. It’s immediate that our tongues are interweaving, both of us with arms around each other, holding tighter and tighter, as if there’s nothing more important than somehow getting closer.