Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

“No.”

That’s what Vic said when I asked him to promise he’d be okay if something happened to me. It’s been weighing on my mind all night, and I didn’t get much sleep, which is bad considering I have to see the doctor today, and they can tell if I’m sleep deprived. Oh well. I’ll just tell them me and my boyfriend had a disagreement. That’s not super unusual and hopefully they will understand. I’m trying to relax, I just have to sit through this and then I can start my singing lessons tomorrow and get ready for the mission.

I just have to get through this. It’s just like every other time. I will be alright. I look at my hand and it’s shaking. Both of them are. I really hate the doctors. I am so afraid they will figure me out or try to fix me, and I hate seeing everyone else there, coming out with those stupid bottles of white pills. It makes me sick. I slowly get ready, trying to drag out each task as long as possible, as if I can somehow make the time between now and when I have to go last longer.

I reluctantly get downstairs for breakfast with my mom, suffer through mundane conversation and continue trying to get my head together. We finally head to the doctor’s office, where I’m again stuck watching people clutching their cures like it’s their lifelines. I sigh. It’s okay Kellin, you’ll be out of here soon. I can’t seem to convince myself though. Finally, it’s my turn to go in and talk to the doctor. He says hello, takes a blood sample and puts it in the analysis machine, then he starts asking the routine questions.

“How have you been Kellin?” he says, way too cheerfully. I try to remember what I practiced with Alex.

“I’ve been good. I met a guy, I’m making a lot of new friends, and I start singing class tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to,” I smile, trying to achieve that mundane combination of happy and zoned out that I see in everyone else, every day.

“That’s great, Kellin, you seem to be a lot better since the last time I saw you,” he says, then he looks at whatever the reading on the analyzer is saying and frowns slightly, “I take it the alterations we made to your cures helped then?”

“Yes, of course. How else would I be so much better, and more social?” I ask innocently.

“I don’t know, Kellin, can you tell me? Has anything else been going better that may have helped?” he asks. I’m suspicious now. My blood work must be telling him something.

“Well, like I said, I met someone, and I made some friends, and I have pretty much decided to pursue music and become an Entertainer, which is really exciting. I’ve grown up a bit I think, and I’ve been getting more exercise, going for walks” I say and smile, hoping that was enough to tide him over.

“Alright, Kellin, are your parents here today?” he dismisses my statement almost condescendingly, and it takes nearly all my willpower not to get angry and storm out.

“Yeah. My mom is here. Would you like me to get her?” I ask, and he nods yes, but before I go I decide, on an impulse, to ask, “what exactly, um, what is my treatment? I was just wondering. I have a friend who wants to be a doctor and it’s really interesting, how much we can fix.”

“Well other than the usual vaccinations and preventions that we give everyone, you are being given things mostly for anxiety and mood problems, last time I added some antidepressants, among other things. The whole list is available to your parents only,” he eyes me suspiciously, but not condescendingly, and I go to get my mom, who he asks to speak with in private. I notice a bathroom right next door though, so I go in there, lock the door and put my ear to the wall, like I’ve read about people doing back in the day, to listen in. To my surprise, it works, and I can faintly hear the conversation.

“...I’m a bit concerned that Kellin hasn’t been taking his cures. His blood work should show much higher levels of certain chemicals than it does…” my heart drops as I hear the doctors droning voice.
“But that’s ridiculous!” my mother shouts, “he’s been doing so much better! Last time you said he might have to go to the hospital, but now he’s making friends and being kind! He doesn’t often disappear for hours anymore… except the other day….”

I step away before I hear any more, I need to process this. They were gonna send me to the hospital? They only send people there in the extremely rare instance that they can’t be cured. Was my last change in dose the most extreme it can get? I’ve never taken a single one. What would it do to me? I finally force myself to listen again, and what I hear is worse than I could have imagined, my mom is crying.

“...s-so I can’t make him take the cures? I just have to see if he does? And if not… you’ll take him away? But he’s doing so well! I thought he was better!” I hear something clanging, she probably hit something, a natural maternal reaction.

“Only for a while, ma’am, he just may need some more intensive and moderated treatment to give him a head start. Here, take some literature so you know the tricks a kid might use, in order to keep track. This is an important task I am giving you, you understand? Teenagers who refuse help are a threat to all of us. Please do this with care. Do you need something to calm you down?”

With that, I step away. This is so fucked up. Fucking fuck. SHIT. I take a deep breath. What do I do? What’s in that literature? I can’t take the cures again. Especially not if it’s a heavier dose than normal! What did I say wrong? I did everything Alex told me and he said I’d be fine! Fuck. Okay, today, I will do what I usually do, and hope I get past my mom. Then I will talk to Alex. They can handle a lot of things, maybe they can handle this too. Yeah, that’ll do. Meanwhile, I have to get out of here without suspicion that I listened in.

I go over to the mirror and try to make myself look calm and collected. I’m surprised how easy it is. I just have to hold it for the next few hours, right? Okay. I exit the bathroom and find my mom and doctor waiting for me, my mother has also collected herself, and I wonder how many people are just faking it all day. Making it seem like they are as perfect as we are all supposed to be.

“Kellin,” my doctor says carefully, “we are going to give you your first new cure in a shot today, just as a precaution. I’m sure that’s no problem?” They’re testing me. This is a test. Fuck. Okay. I remember one time Alex said they can help bring people back if they get medicated again, but would they help me? Of course they would I mean, they need me right? I’m helping with the first mission. I can’t think about that, I might say something. I push it to the back of my mind, trying to forget the details, lock them away. I know nothing.

They lead me back into the room and I, for some reason, have no trouble staying calm. There’s some comfort in knowing I have no choice now, that I can’t escape this time. Maybe it’ll be nice to quiet down all my anger, for just a little while. Maybe it’d be okay to have just a few peaceful days. Perhaps Vic will even like me better when I’m not so crazy. The doctor takes my arm and injects a needle into it, and just as I expected the world gets calmer almost instantly. The things in this room no longer upset me, and I feel as though I am ready to have a nice, relaxed day. I smile calmly at the peace that radiates through my whole body. I’m no longer tense and irritated. I am how I should be.