Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Vic~

I haven’t seen Kellin in three days. I think he started his singing classes today. I’ve been hanging out in his tunnel, reading the journals and playing the guitar. I’ve been learning a lot, and I want Kellin to see how much I understand. I started taking my cures again though. I haven’t been able to figure out how to hide them. The one from that first day is still sitting under my pillow. I need Kellin. I don’t know how to do this. And without him, I don’t even know if I should. It’s crazy how much that boy changed my life in so little time. Some people in these journals warn us about falling too fast, because their person left them and they were hurt. But it’s already too late for me and Kellin I think. We’re probably just young and stupid, but I don’t care. I want to make young, stupid decisions with him. I can’t believe he thought I’d promise to be okay if “something happened” to him. Of course I wouldn’t. He’s important. Where is he?

I’m interrupted from playing when Alex comes through the tunnel from the side that eventually leads to where the party was. I don’t know why he doesn’t just take the rails. It must be a long crawl.

“Have you seen Kellin lately?” he asks me, looking kind of frantic, “I was hoping he would be here.”

“So was I,” I reply honestly. I wonder what the problem is.

“Fuck!” he shouts and now I am getting worried, did he miss class? Is he okay?

“We have to go get him,” Alex continues in a hurry, “it could get ugly. Either you can help, which would be best I think, or I can call Jack and you can stay out of the way.”

“Woah woah what’s going on?” I ask, this sounds way too serious.

“He’s out of it. I think the doctors got him on cures again but it’s something strong, not like they give most people. He’s fucking faded. You in or out?”

“In. Of course,” I say without hesitation, but for some reason Alex pauses and looks at me, and he doesn’t seem satisfied with whatever he is seeing, but he carries on through the tunnel anyway and I follow, trying to keep pace with him.

We get to Kellin’s house in a rush, and thankfully (and curiously) neither of his parents appear to be home. Alex somehow knows the combination for the keypad on the door, but I don’t understand why we can’t just knock. We get into the house and find Kellin mindlessly watching TV, and he smiles lazily at seeing us.

“Hey, Vic, sorry I haven’t been by, and Alex! I was wondering if you wanted to help me with some of what we learned in class today. I’ve been having trouble…”

“Yeah, Kellin,” Alex says, somewhat sadly, “why don’t you come over? We can work at my place. I have a soundproof studio.”

“Awesome!” Kellin replies and wanders slowly upstairs, presumably to grab a sweater and his class assignments.

I’m wondering where we are actually going when Alex leans over and whispers to me, “we are gonna take him to the place you guys slept over after the party. We need to keep him fooled though. When we get there, you need to either make sure he’s gonna come quietly or help me force him if all else fails. Can you do that Vic?” I nod. Forcing him doesn’t sound appealing at all, but whatever is best. I think right now Alex might be the only one of us who knows what’s best.

We make it to the rails and Kellin seems happily oblivious to... pretty much everything. I actually don’t think I’ve seen anyone quite so… obedient, before. I don’t know if that’s because of my new perspective, or because of how Kellin was before, or because he is on something way stronger than anyone I have met. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. Everyone is supposed to have the cures that give them a perfect balance, put everyone on the same health and happiness level. But Kellin right now is way beyond that. He does everything we ask, smiling lazily, it’s so unlike him. Cures or no cures, I’m starting to panic.

We finally get to the station closest to the tunnel we need, and Kellin walks with us a few yards before stopping in his tracks.

“I thought we were going to your house,” he says to Alex in a monotone. Alex looks at me before replying. I know what he means, it’s my turn to convince him.

“C’mon Kellin,” I say softly and grab his hand, “just trust me okay?”

“Why would I do that? I have not known you long. I think you two want me to do something bad,” he replies sternly, and Alex glances at me again, this time more sadly.

“Alright,” I say quietly, mostly to myself, “I’m sorry Kellin,” I whisper as I lean to pick him up, knocking him off his feet and catching him with my other arm. I carry him this way up to the tunnel, and he doesn’t struggle, but he does protest, saying things along the lines of “this is wrong,” “this isn’t how you should treat someone,” “I can’t believe you are doing this.” I almost feel guilty, but I remind myself of the first time I met Kellin, how sad he seemed that he’d be “fixed” soon. I remember how he begged me to help him trick his parents so that he wouldn’t have to see the doctor. This is what he was afraid of. He’d want me to do everything I can to get him back to how he was, I’m sure of it. And that is what I am going to do.

We finally make it to the tunnel, and Kellin refuses to crawl. I look at Alex, I have no idea what to do now. He sighs before saying, “keep him here. Keep trying. If he doesn’t go by the time I get back, I’ll have a way.”

Alex crawls into the tunnel and Kellin doesn’t move, “I won’t go,” he tells me plainly, “it’s wrong. I want to go home.” He turns to walk away, so I grab his arm and pull him back, then pin his arms against the concrete wall.

“No you don’t Kellin. You don’t want to go home,” I look him in the eyes, desperately hoping to reach the boy I met running away from Announcement Day, “you were so afraid of this. I know you’re still there Kellin. I’m gonna get you back damnit and you’re not gonna fucking stop me.”

Kellin doesn’t react except to test and see if he can escape my grip on him, which he can’t. I’m strong from training for eventually joining the military and I’m a lot more motivated than he is right now. I keep trying to catch his gaze, but even when his eyes meet mine there’s nothing in them. My Kellin is missing and it’s breaking me. He’s right in front of me but he is so far gone. I can’t take it. I keep whispering things to him desperately, trying to get him to remember. He says nothing. He doesn’t protest nor does he agree. He’s just blank, empty.

“It won’t work,” I hear a gentle voice behind me and a suddenly feel soft hand on my shoulder, I turn my head and recognise Jack, “Alex called me… we’re gonna get him inside, do everything we can okay? But you can’t talk him back from here. There’s too much in his system.”

Jack hands me something that resembles a blanket, but seems a bit sturdier.

“Wrap him tight in this so he can’t fight back with his arms, though I doubt he would at this point,” he tells me and I do so as gently as possible. Kellin still doesn’t react, even to protest. I notice Alex peeking his head out of the tunnel, and I wonder how long he’s been there. He has what looks like one of the fold out beds, but it’s still flat and is re enforced on all four sides. It’s basically a stretched piece of fabric. I catch on pretty fast and get the zombie that was once my boyfriend laying down on it. Alex and Jack seem to have a system of pulling and pushing it through the tunnel, so I just follow closely behind, which is difficult because they are moving so quickly. I wonder if Kellin’s condition is time-sensitive. Maybe they have to act fast to keep him from being this way forever.

I feel sick. I literally think I might throw up I am so scared. It’s not like he’s dying. I’m sure he’s safe on the doctors’ meds, but he isn’t him. The boy I have come to be so fond of is not here right now, and that terrifies me. I’m starting to understand this rebellion so much. I just can’t think how awful the world would be if it lost someone like Kellin. And surely it has lost many great people, but we have to do something. He’s different. We can’t lose him. I can’t lose him.

After what seems like a decade, we finally make it through the tunnel, there’s a couple of the people that I think I’ve seen before. I think they shined lights at me that night that I drank while on cures. There’s four guys and two girls, and they’re scattered between working with what I assume are chemicals or something that might help and hounding me and Alex with questions about Kelln.

“Okay,” Alex says, grabbing their attention, “all we really know is that he went to the doctor three days ago and he’s faded as fuck, more so than I’ve seen since… well, since me last year. I highly doubt he’d take anything willingly, so he probably had an injection. That’s it, that’s all we know.”
I should probably process what Alex means by “since me last year,” but Kellin is my main concern right now. Three of the people who were hammering us with questions have gone over to Kellin, putting machines on him to check things, shining lights, they aren’t talking though. I decide to go over and try to get something out of him myself.

“Kellin,” I say gently, sitting on my knees like the others so I can be closer to Kellin, who is on the bed thing on the ground, “these people are doctors, like the one you saw the other day, but they’re different because they are friends, and they would rather you be yourself than be perfect. Because you are perfect. How you are. Naturally. Please tell me what happened at the doctors the other day Kellin,” I plead with him, hoping he believes me, at least a little, in his semi-comatose state.

“They gave me a shot,” he says to my surprise, and the others stop what they’re doing to listen, “they said all they could tell me about my treatment is that it’s for anxiety and mood problems and there’s also antidepressants, but that was about my last set of cures, the ones I never took. I feel peaceful now. It is nice. Are you gonna take it away?” I sigh at that, I know he just isn’t himself, but the others pause, and I think they might be reconsidering when they look up behind me. I turn and see Alex, who looks at me sadly.

“You guys know what to do. It’s too late now. You all know it. I’ll talk to him,” he says, gesturing to me, sounding resigned, maybe a bit regretful, I can’t tell. He helps me up and leads me to the other side of the room, not letting go of my arm, which I don’t quite understand, until he starts talking. He keeps his grip firm but speaks very quietly and gentle, but his words are like knives, tearing me apart with each sentence.

“Vic, I’m sorry. We have to do something, Kellin knows too much, so there’s no choice for him. What the doctor’s did was something that people used to call along the lines of a ‘chemical lobotomy,’ it’s meant to be permanent, and in some ways, it will be. But we are going to try to get as much as we can out of his system. It’s a delicate combination of herbs, chemicals, blood work and good old laxatives that we have to do. It’s gonna be a long and painful night for him, and this is risky. He… he may or may not survive the night, Vic.”