Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

I wake up in the bedroom area of the tunnels, the same place as I woke up after the party, except last night was anything but a party. Pretty much everything hurts right now, and there’s a pounding in my head like someone just dropped a ceiling on it. I don’t really care though. Even after everything I had to go through last night, I’m glad I did, because it only happened because people cared that I stayed how I was. There are people who like me exactly how I am, uncured, fucked up as that may be.

Before I met Vic and Alex and Jack I was always sure it wouldn’t be long before my little experiment was abruptly ended. I always figured that since everyone else in the world thought what I was doing is crazy, eventually I’d have to fall in line. I hated that, I was so angry but there was no other options for me. At least, that’s what I thought. I had no friends. Nobody ever liked or cared about me since I stopped taking cures. But these people were willing to do anything to get cures out of my system, it’s probably the most amazing thing I have ever even heard of.

Once I get myself together a bit, I try to sit up, and I manage, but painfully. I’ve never really felt sick before last night. Why would I? Even without taking cures, there’s no illnesses left to spread, plus I’ve probably been vaccinated for everything under the sun. Come to think of it, I’m not sure what cures do besides mess with your head at this point. Hm.

I can’t stand up, at least not without being in a lot of pain, fortunately though, my attempts seem to have woken Vic, who was sleeping on another fold out bed right beside me. He looks at me cautiously.

“Morning Kellin,” he says a bit sleepily, which is cute, “how are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” I respond honestly, “but it’s okay. At least I can think again.”

“Can you?” he asks, and I’m a bit confused. I’m supposed to be better right? Now that I focus on it, I still feel pretty calm as compared to before the doctor. I thought maybe that was just because I’m so glad to have some support and friendship, but maybe it’s more than that. Maybe I’m still brainwashed. Maybe I just can’t be a hundred percent in my thoughts right now because my whole body is aching and my head is pounding like crazy.

“I… I think so,” I tell Vic.

“Jack said it might take some time… for you to be back to how you were. I’m so sorry this happened Kellin,” he looks down, looking upset. I can’t handle that. I don’t want Vic to be sad, especially not because of me. I go over to him and pull him into a hug. I don’t know if I’m myself or not, but I know I care about Vic. And he cares about me. Enough to do whatever it took to get me here and get me better because he knew that’s what I would’ve wanted. “I’m gonna be here, I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get you back to yourself okay?” Vic continues talking, “you just have to talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. I’ll do everything I can, I promise.”

“Of course Vic,” I tell him. And and he’s got his arms around me tight like I’ll float away if he lets go.
He looks troubled, and I don’t quite understand it. I’m okay right? Before I can ask though, I notice Alex crawl through into the room.

“Ah, glad to see you two are up. Kellin, you should get dressed, we have to leave for class in about an hour,” he says. Class? Oh, singing, right. I still have to go today?

“I still feel like shit though,” I complain, and Alex laughs.

“Okay, why don’t you just call in sick then?” he jokes. Ugh. Between my pounding headache and general shakiness I don’t even wanna sing right now. Which is strange for me.

“C’mon Kellin. I’ll get you some coffee, I need to talk to you about a few things,” Alex says gently. Coffee? I’ve always wanted to try coffee, the people in the journals say it’s the best thing ever. Vic doesn’t seem enthusiastic about letting go of me, but eventually he does, and I follow Alex out to the bigger room, where he has a container of the warm drink already made. It smells amazing.

“You ever had coffee?” Alex asks.

“No. I didn’t know it still existed to be honest,” I respond. Doesn’t it have to be grown?

“Ha, America isn’t the only country that exists Kellin, it’s still a big market in the south. It’s a bitch to get it here, but we manage. Well, our friends manage and they share.”

“The ones in Baltimore?” I ask, wondering what else the revolution has been up to.

“Texas mostly, we are all over the country, all connected one way or another. Plus, it’s not like it’s illegal, so we don’t have to be too careful, just careful enough not to get anyone asking questions. Anyway,” he says firmly, handing me the drink and continuing, “you have a problem now Kellin. You have to keep acting completely and totally brainwashed, while also getting your mind back in order.”
I consider that for a moment, while also trying the coffee, which is surprisingly bitter and not very great. Alex notices me wince at it and pours some sugar in my cup, which makes it a lot better actually. I don’t think I’ll have a problem acting zombieish, today at least. I’m in too much pain to have a personality right now. Nonetheless, Alex keeps talking.

“From now on, you have two facial expressions, zoned out, and smiling calmly. You have to look like you aren’t ever thinking of anything but what is in front of you. It’s okay if you slip up once or twice the first week or two, because people will figure it’s just your new cures still taking some time to kick in. After that Kellin, it’s high stakes. Getting an injection is one step away from the hospital. You have to have an efficient, and non-suspicious way of taking care of the pills you have every morning. Starting today, when we stop by your house to get them. Don’t disappear somewhere right away. Linger. Hold it in your mouth for an hour if you have to. The best scenario is to bring it down here and flush it. It took the last few generations a lot to get bathrooms down in here, we might as well use them.”

“Okay. Okay I think I can manage that,” I say, trying to convince myself more so than Alex.
“Good. I hope so. You don’t wanna end up in the hospital. Anyway, can you tell me what you remember from the last couple days?” he asks. I think about that. I remember the doctor’s, vaguely. I know I was listening from the bathroom and then they gave me a shot. From there, I don’t remember all that much. I mean, I remember things, but it’s fuzzy. I remember the song we started in class. I remember that Alex and I are on almost opposite sides of the room because we are organized by the pitch we sing and I’m with all the girls on the Soprano side. I remember coming here, and not wanting to. But I have no details. No idea what I was thinking or feeling. Shit I fucking hate doctors.
“I remember what’s happened… I don’t remember details. I don’t remember any feelings or thoughts,” I tell him, and he nods, like he expected that.

“Probably because you didn’t have many. They made you basically a logic machine. I bet you remember every note of the song we did in class, but never pieced together’ the meaning of the words or the tone it creates. It’s a pretty sad song actually, but nobody sings it that way anymore.”

“No, I didn’t notice that,” I admit, though I think I know what he means now that I think of it.

“You weren’t supposed to,” he says sadly.

“I thought songs in school were always just meaningless.”

“The new ones are. Not the old ones though. They just make you sing it without the meaning. They take it right out of it. I’m not even sure how they even manage it sometimes,” he gets quieter at the end of the sentence, I might have to start looking at songs a little closer. “Anyway,” Alex says, “it’s about time to go. You ready?” he asks, and I try to make a really zoned out face, which I think I accomplish because he smiles and leads me out of the tunnel.

Sure enough, when I we get to my house my mom watches me take my cure, and I even swallow some water for good measure and after chatting for a few minutes to not seem suspicious, I go upstairs to get ready. Once I’m in my room I slip the dreaded white pill into my pocket and head back down, remaining zoned out with ease. My whole body still hurts after all. My mom and Alex are talking in the kitchen and I decide to observe for a moment. Alex is smooth, he seems like the happiest person in existence, but still calm and collected. I’ve never seen him act like that, if I’d ever noticed him at school before I knew him, I more than likely would’ve taken him for someone just as brainwashed as the rest.

Finally, I join in the conversation, making my presence known. They were just talking about class, the teacher, the lessons, the other kids, etc.. It was very casual, like most conversations, and I kept trying to see that… something in Alex’s eyes that first told me he wasn’t on cures, the same that I would see in Jack or any of the people in the tunnels, but I can’t find anything. How does he do that? I guess I will have to learn soon. I hope I can be that good. I’m glad I have a friend like Alex to teach me.