Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Vic~

It’s been two weeks since I helped try to get Kellin back to himself. I’m exhausted. I have no idea what to do for him because, to me, he still seems… different. I guess it’s not bad different. He’s a lot more optimistic, and he isn’t scared of things like the tunnels anymore. But there’s also something else. Something missing, and I can’t seem to get it back. I don’t even know what to do. I remember how intensely he looked at me the first few days after we met, and I can’t find that… whatever it was. I can’t find it when I look into his eyes anymore.

Jack says Alex was a lot worse. He wouldn’t talk to him about anything and was always acting zoned out. He said he even considered going back on the cures a couple times, which is insane to think about knowing Alex now. All Jack tells me usually is to just pull through, stay by Kellin’s side and don’t stress too much. The last part I have been unsuccessfully trying to follow. None of this is fair. Doctors aren’t supposed to just do something permanent and partially irreversible without permission. I just don’t get it.

Alex has been helping me get rid of my cures. Basically I’m supposed to keep hold of them throughout the day then bring them down here. I have a little box for now, then once in a while one of us will crawl to the larger rooms and dispose of them. I’m sitting in the little tunnel where Kellin and I first met, contemplating everything. It’s weird, there’s a lot more stuff in my head now that I’m not taking cures. I don’t know how long I will do this, but for now, I kind of like it. I’ve had a couple hard nights. It’s harder to sleep because I don’t calm down instantly. Suddenly sleeping is like this whole, slowly moving process of calming your thoughts one level at a time. Don’t even get me started on waking up.

I’ve been listening to a lot of the music in here. There’s thousands upon thousands of songs on these ancient little square devices. At least 30 people contributed to this particular little time capsule in some way, and each left their full music libraries of anything from 500 to 10,000 songs. It’s amazing. All of this is amazing. I wish people would tell me more about why it’s all here and what I’m supposed to make of it, but Alex doesn’t think I’m ready yet. I know they’re planning something, but I don’t know what. I don’t know if I’d want to be a part of whatever it is or not. I don’t know if I’ll just spend the year with these people and then carry on my original plans of joining the military, or if I will change my life completely. I could play guitar I think. Playing the pieces I’ve found here has helped me learn so much better, faster. I bet I could outdo a lot of my classmates now, not that I’m bragging. Maybe me and Kellin could do something together.

My thoughts are interrupted when Jack comes in and joins me from the tunnel that eventually leads to their big party-living-meeting-whatever room. He looks a bit upset so I put my guitar aside and ask what’s wrong.

“Alex and I are fighting,” he answers simply, “and I think I need your help.”

“Of course, what’s going on?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you this but… what they’re planning… it’s dangerous and Alex thinks that they can pull it off… but the part that Kellin and Alex are gonna do it isn’t even necessary and… Vic… I think they’re going to end up in the hospital and I just… I can’t talk them out of it I don’t know what else to do,” he sputters out, sitting down next to me and leaning against the wall. Oh shit. What are they doing? Do I even want to know? What am I going to do about it? It’s not like Kellin would listen to me. Both Alex and Kellin are the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.

“What can I do?” I ask cautiously.

“I don’t know, try talking to Kellin?” he says quietly, but I think he knows that won’t work just as well as I do.

“He won’t listen to me any more than Alex will listen to you,” I say, and he nods sadly.

“We need a plan then.”

“What kind of a plan?” I ask him, still a bit worried.

“Vic,” he sighs, “I don’t want to ask you to do this, but I’m out of options, we need a plan to break them out, once they get taken to the hospital, which, if they go through with this, I am almost totally sure they will.”

“Well that doesn’t sound illegal or dangerous at all,” I smile a bit, trying to lighten the mood, “I’ll definitely help you Jack. You’ve basically become my best friend this last couple weeks, and, besides, I don’t want Kellin and Alex there either.”

“Okay. Okay… I don’t know how much I should say because I’m not supposed to tell you anything until you’ve officially ‘joined’ or whatever and Alex still thinks you aren’t ready…”

“Can I ask why not?” I venture.

“You still care about other things more than this I guess. Still want a normal life. Maybe I really shouldn’t be asking you to do this…” he goes quiet, but I can see the desperation in his eyes. I’m his last hope on this matter.

“No,” I say, surprising even myself, “I don’t know what I want. But I don’t want what I used to. I don’t want to be a zombie. I especially don’t want to see Kellin or my brother or anyone be what I used to think was normal. I want… this,” I say, gesturing to the guitar I’ve been playing, and to the other things in the room. I don’t think I knew that was how I feel before I said it, but I’ve never been more sure of anything.

“Okay,” Jack says, seeming to feel better, “can I tell Alex you said that? This will go smoother if you get involved in the revolution and become part of the plan,” I nod that it’s okay before Jack goes on, “try talking to Kellin… just in case. It’s worth a shot.”

“I will,” I agree, and he looks so distressed about this I don’t know what to do. He always seems to know the right things to make me feel better, but I can’t seem to do the same, “I’m sure we'll figure it out.”

“Did you know Alex has been to the hospital before, Vic? Last year, we got into some trouble. We were really just fucking around, testing boundaries, we weren’t doing anything productive, and he got caught and I didn’t,” Jack says sadly, and I guess I should’ve caught on to that earlier now that I think of it, considering all the times they have mentioned it indirectly.

“But… he couldn’t go again then could he? I mean, they always say nobody has to go to the hospital twice, ever…” I ask, getting a bit concerned about what this could mean.

“Nobody leaves the hospital twice,” he corrects. The little room falls silent at that, and the air feels heavy. We stay that way for a while, just sitting, when finally I hear Kellin crawling through the tunnel, so we sit up a bit and try to seem like nothing is wrong.

“Hey guys,” Kellin says cheerfully, “I didn’t even know you were here, you’re so quiet.”
“I’ve got to get going actually,” Jack says, giving us a very forced looking smile, “there’s a party tomorrow night, by the way,” he adds as an afterthought.

“Later Jack,” Kellin says as Jack leaves, he still sounds too cheerful, which for some reason kind of annoys me right now.

“Kellin,” I say seriously, trying to bring him to the same tone, “I have to talk to you.”